It's not easy being an older sister and the eldest daughter.

Right now I'm sitting next to the a very volatile bratty kid.
Gosh, why is he acting like he's having his boy period?!

I hate blogger right now. The fonts, sizes and colours are gone. If this (glitch?) keeps up, I might have to move to wordpress. *sniff* Blogger's falling back.

Sigh, what am I to do? The agent's most likely not gonna call me back anytime soon, simply because if parents had a choice, they'd pick the Uni student over the O level graduate. Til then, I'm very much jobless.

So now, I'm stuck with teaching my brother English. Somebody kill me. Ranting to be followed...

I HATE MY JOB! I'M NOT PAID ENOUGH! I'M PAID THE WRONG KIND OF PEANUTS TO TEACH THE LITTLE INFERNAL NUISANCE!

Gawsh. I know I have to do it. There's just so much pressure. My brother just HAD to be born 7 years later (yes who asked you to come into existence!). One day, I'm gonna tear my hair out.

We're all bound to our responsibilities and apparently, I am too. I'm just getting started ya'll. The taste of an unappreciative burden. He's giving me second thoughts if I should have children, and if I did, maybe leaving them with Michael Jackson and going to the Bahamas sounds pretty good too.

(just kidding, though for a second there I was thinking of leaving him to a pedophile pop-singing petrifi-er)

I'm immensely frustrated.

I have to teach and worst still, I can't protest. You know how they say siblings can't teach each other? Yeah that's not a myth.

No fancy talk here, but maybe a year ago, I would have thrown a huge drama queen fit. Talk about infringing on human rights! Perhaps I treated him like a total liability, like, I have my life to live, I have everything else to do and honestly, you're not in my list of things I bother about to associate myself with deeply. As far as I was concerned, he was my parents' unfortunate responsibility.

Well, if you've lived with him day in and day out, you'll know. Or you can just check out your sibling and think of the times he might've given you a stroke from frustration.

God help me.

As love would have it, finishing my O levels and progressing in terms of maturity puts such a huge strain on myself at times. I am getting my wiring done properly, yet I feel like I'm going insane. HA, too late now.

Sigh. He runs away to watch tv, use the computer, sleep, stare into space or eat a lollipop, every possible ignoring action you can think of. Then when I get him to sit down, he stares daggers (yeah he's had a bad history with learning) into the pages and forever becomes a pretty short time when he's scribbling the answers hastily in order to stop his self-imposed ordeal. And I mean it.

He doesn't read the questions properly, doesn't answer them properly, ... in teenspeak, a lot of fan-hogging and emo-ing and patience losing is done.

At least I do manage to give him the credit he deserves and if he tries making use of his neurons to get the mind machinery going, he gets it.

Oh and guess who's the target of all his outbursts, anger, plain lazines, frustration or otherwise.

Gee, don't blame me if I'm easily pissed too. Gosh I should stop getting affected by that little *censored*. I'm sorry but he is.

This doesn't happen a lot. I've been immune to most of his ridiculous behaviour but not entirely.

GIVE ME A BREAK. I'M JUST 16!

To think I tried to understand a kid. Gee, I should stop waiting around for somebody to cooperate.

*slaps forehead*

Unfortunately, simply because I'm more aware than before, my mind's already wired in my responsibilities. Again with the limitations!

I know how much this means to my family. Nobody's more qualified to teach the little bugger English, and I have to just in case he becomes a bigger liability if he sucks at his studies in the future. Tuition fees are too expensive and my parents are paying for it with my blood pressure and "patience-training". CRAP. I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS! 10 dollars isn't enough for 1 and a half hours. Yet, I can't ask for more because that would be turning a blind eye to preparation for the rocky year.

Yes, I have it worse than you think. At least in my mind I do.

Perseverance.

One day, you'll hear me say "Look ma! Top of the world!"

(And i wonder where my brother would be)

Labels: Teen Angst

Today was my off day with just lots of time to slack at home.

What I did:

1) Headed over to Steph's to kiap some brekkie and say goodbye.

2) Watched Food Lover's Guide to the Planet. Yum! Go young, new-age French chefs. Expensive gourmet though... I shall live it up in my fantasy or until I get a sponsor.

3) Read Nat Geo mag about Neanderthals (some of which I know) and pretty turqoise chested bee-eaters.

4) Read TODAY. No President has ever been as curious as Obama as been.
You have to go through a series of tests and produce evidence for everything you've done in your entire career to be top dog in his admin. The funny shit was the caption and the cartoon. The dude in the picture does the survey and the speech bubble says: I don't know Joe the Plumber!

5) Knocked out for 2 plus hours from drowsiness.

6) Added and customised my Cbox!

7) Chatted, played Neopets (while the novelty lasts), uploaded pictures to com and photobucket.

8) Folded the clothes and I did it better than my mama (on my to-do list to be helpful around the house)

9) Organised my textbooks, assessments and TYSes from Sec 3 and 4. Threw out all dusty shit that never made sense.

Sadly, I'm not done yet. Sigh, when, oh when will I be done. I hate cleaning things out. So much dust. Tsk! I swear that's the best excuse for a maid.

I have yet to organise it more thoroughly and wipe the bookshelves, then put back what I want, then put the rest in the storeroom. The papers go out to the karang guni.

Helpful mummy did the rest after I was too tired. Gosh, where the hell does she get her energy from, she just organised my brother's school things.

Had a yummy homecooked dinner. 2 failed attempts at making sausages today. Lunch was exam-style. Lazy to cook, lazy to eat. White rice to fill me up. Pulverised some ants, disgusting insects. Do them in with some spray. Watch them wriggle, pulse and ... stop moving. What a glorious sight.

Other than the fact that I have to do cleaning (I'd rather do the dishes), today's a relaxing day. Oh yeah. Nothing too pressing on my mind besides all the dust I have to clean out.

Well, for the more emotional part (it's just me), I get all angsty, angry, frustrated at everything like I'm on one of those days. I speak fast, my heart beats with the stress in my head, I'm snappy, extremely impatient, torn up and all I wanna do is kill some people I don't like.

Oh my.

I suppose it's partly due to my mother's nagging. Now ya'll see why I don't find Mr Lim all that naggy. I got the worst hand.

I hate it when my mama acts like a know-it-all. Of course I know that I don't know my results yet and if I'm going to retake, she just makes it sound like I'm ignorant and NOT LISTENING TO HER. LISTEN WOMAN, THE MORE YOU TELL ME, THE MORE I'M LIKELY TO IGNORE YOU.

Okay drama-mama moment.

She doesn't want me to throw out my things, she wants me to reorganise painstakingly like the past few years of my life, she's acting like gee, for my next exam or working life, I have to write another SEQ essay. What are the odds of that? AND, I can start from scratch. esp if I'm unlikely to rummage through more dust.

I hate dust. I love vacuum cleaners.

And its also partly cos I'm haunted by the future and the past, how infuriating it all was. People don't know how to handle my academic weaknesses and I just get trapped in the terrible never-ending cycle.

No worries. I'll handle whatever comes, and overcome it.

What I want is just a fresh start.

So many dead trees from wasted paper.

It's only a waste if students don't do the work that teachers print for them right?

Not the fact that the teachers care about us enough to give us practice when we need it, right?

You know what?

Why are we given so much holiday homework? I can't remember a single holiday that was a holiday. Such is our society.

We know you care about us and the trees, yes Mr Lim (and Mdm Rani hehe. Huiyi totally hugged a tree), but if u give us so much, we can't finish it cos we're all not the pros or the elite, or just plain muggers (crazy shit), even if we want to, the stress just piles up and it drives us away.

Eventually, it works against you. Students don't care because they feel so pressurised they turn off, and the trees die because of students, and it's our faults. Another expectation to live up to. Hooray.

We love ya'll, we don't care how you're brought up cos we got our fair share of shit too. I do appreciate the work teachers do (have a post on this), but times have changed, move on with the times and different circumstances. And I love trees, mind you.

Well, maybe it's just me alone that's like that.

You can treat me as an isolated case who wants to do well and fit it to the fabric of success.

Pent-up emotions are still with me. Awwwww... gotta find some way to release em'.

At least I'm not living in Seoul, sitting for their CSAT. Life's much worse over there. Poor kids. So much for the Asian models. I do wish to see a shift in attitudes.

:)

Like the bit of wisdom imparted to me today: God gave us contentment in living, not disappointment in trying to live it up. Life's worth should not be priced with anything except life itself.

Just depends on how someone defines life. We all accept simple pleasures deep down though.

My, I tend to get emotional. Time to find a counsellor. A professional one, mind you. Non-professionals haven't been all that successful with me.

Labels: Family, Teen Angst, What's up or new, WhatcausesJoy

This is bad. I have to stop this. Let me entertain you with my intelligent, quirky banter in a narration of today's events, that will somehow link to your lives through mine. Go storytelling.

Woke up at 7 to sms HuiJuan about Physics lesson, cos I'm not going to be late again (like I have been for all my Physics lessons on Saturdays), especially not 1 plus hour. Drifted back and forth to sleep wondering if she'll sms back, keeping me on the edge of "Should I skip this or not?".

Why I'm a bad student

1. Why wake up on a Friday morning during a holiday to go all the way to school?

2. My SPA file is less than ready. (Guilty as charged) Yeah... I'll probably end of doing copies of SPAs I didn't bother to dig out.

3. When I get there, I'd probably feel like tearing my test to shreds cos it wouldn't make the least sense to me.

4. Falling asleep in class sounds tempting, might as well snuggle up in my nice warm bed.

5. Don't think I'll understand everything that Mr Ng will talk about, the rest of the class will be like "OOOOOOOOO~" and Hui Juan will be like "But why?!!" and I'll be like "Relax, it's probably *crap explanation*, I dunno *slips into lalaland*" . Then Mr Ng will be slapping his forehead (inwardly, i can read teachers okay.) and say erm... logic governed by the laws of Physics that don't make any sense.

Why I'm a good student

1. I can't stay in bed past 10 or 11 anymore, and have the temptation to slip back into sleep. Being forced to go to school is a good thing. No more of such terrible habits that spring their ugly head during holidays.

2. I'll feel really really really bad about skipping. My conscience wouldn't forgive me for snubbing Mr Ng like I was some kind of diva by turning up fashionably late (it's never fashionable to be late though...no matter how late I turn up, I do understand this and try my best to get my lazy ass off the bed), or not turning up at all (it really bugs me, especially if I know I did have control over my actions, it's not like I was knocked out completely. I was half-awake at 7 for goodness sake)

3. Kept awake by the word to be a good girl, and it doesn't help that it so happened to be the birthday of the friend my mouth had to open and say "okok I'll try". As again, I was half-awake. It's a concious effort.

4. Damn, I have to stop saying things I might not be able to fulfil. I made a big big promise (to Someone more important of course, so going to need all the help I can get) to take care of myself. And going for Physics is like, a huge neon sign going blink blink "What are you waiting for? Get off the bed you... sloth? (so my friends, do not commit one of the seven deadly sins, especially if you have control over yourself)". Oh yeah... running from temptation is definitely better than resisting it headfirst.

5. If I never went, I'll never know. He might not ask for the SPA file, I'll magically know how to save my Physics test (fat chance), Data Source questions are actually my thing and I can do them so much better than Literature (sarcasm to be taken at the fullest). Or I can mooch off Hui Juan's data source and expect myself to understand everything that he says.

6. Maybe there'd be so little people turning up he wouldn't even touch SPA or Data Source. *crosses fingers* Eventually, I'll have to do both anyways, if not today, next next week in school. Worst still, have the test when I go back to school staying back like a sucker.

You can guess which was it that I picked. For the 17 other classmates that turned up that is.

Amazingly, simply because within the time I waited anxiously for Hui Juan's sms, and never once hoping that Mr Ng would cancel the lesson, being thrown back and forth to sleep and my conflicting thoughts, simply on whether I should turn up or not, would lead me to a descision that I should fulfil if not for anyone else, myself.

I guess it's a good thing I was unable to fully go back to sleep after 7am messaging Hui Juan. Simply from that one hour of questioning the 2 sides in my head, I guess it's brought home a bigger conflict that goes beyond going for Physics lesson on a Friday morning in September's bestest non-school week, which I guess I've got that covered.

Well... Physics was just a test and going through of the test, after that consultation which I didn't stay for, since I came empty handed for consultation materials. No SPA file, no Data Source (oh yeah!) *uncrosses fingers*

Despite being groggy, it's quite impressive that I'd probably have scored the same (as badly) as when I'm fully awake. At least I didn't panic ... just stare at the paper and reason with the little I remember, before deciding Faraday's Law (the only thing I really studied) would come into handy. Still can't believe I scored full for a.c generator when I don't know all the shit about it.

(I've never had alcohol as itself, though don't partake in vodka, bacardi, booze etc. will explain this later). Like being all groggy, half-asleep, half-dreaming, like running through virtual reality, all detached and pale. Sniffling and my mucus tap just won't turn off, my hair looking sick, yup sick. I'm more inaudible than usual, mumbling things that I don't hear and expect fully of others to hear it. And I feel like I can push my hand into anyone's face just to shut them up.

Mhmm hmmm girl you gotta stop this. I know I can't wake up every morning like I've gotten a hangover though I've never drank before. I guess the bigger conflict resolved would be knowing that besides laziness, it is just the fact that I don't want to get up at all cos getting up just reminds me of a school day where there's so much shit ahead.

I'm not a morning person, and it certainly isn't one of those rare days when I get up and say "Today, I shall conquer the world".

I suppose the reason why I don't want to go to sleep would be that it would be ending my favourite part of the day, which involves no school and no stress, well not a lot of it anyway. (This is after much thought. Not very much an excuse to me)

Time to stop running away. I guess I just gotta let it stop getting to me and biting me in the ass. Maybe that's why I had to make that promise - I never trusted myself to overcome this demon alone because it sure goes beyond liking to hibernate. More of the alluring comfort of sleep, that when I'm in a different realm, at least the subconcious where no one can touch me.

Perhaps because I felt so weak wanting to keep this to myself and not talk about it that I've never really given it much thought. You don't say prayers without a reason and I suppose when I was half-asleep, I've been wanting some help with this. And there the promise slips through my lips, since I know I won't ever be alone on this.

There's a whole day ahead for me to go after, and too much sleep will deprive that.

Goodnight and Good Morrow.

Labels: Accomplishments, Blogs, Essence of Sprouting, Questions, Quirks, Real Life, Seeds of Smartness Sown to Show-off, Teen Angst

This is a blog post for the sanity of us all.

Anyway darlings, this is for you too. Just so happened today I'm shifted to the back of the class, after the previous seat arrangement with lots of grievances involved. However, when I'm back with Sharon, it means I let my guard down and start giving off a dangerous vibe. Otherwise known as "emo-ing".

I hope I didn't scare Don too much, really I don't mind sitting next to you, in fact it's my pleasure to sit next to an untidy math nerd/pro (yeah.. your math skills are just as ... distinguishable as your handwriting, no one really beats you at this!) REALLY! If you're reading this: You'll get to know me better, and I'm harmless when I emo...well at least it wouldn't be directed at the parties not involved. See I'm a good girl.

So there, emo-ing in my seat cos I was feeling frustrated at everything, especially the shit of kinematics (settled today by my wonderful, preetyful, smartass Grace LOVEYOU i can't survive without you oh great lifeline paid 50 bucks per 2hours to be forced to sit next to me). Well, Math's gonna give me a brain tumour soon. Seething emotions and a headache, like when Gek Kim doesn't get the debate motion after more than half an hour, which by the way is 'Non-biodegradable materials should be charged more in consumption'. And some other issues that seem like such a waste of time.

It's the idea of how Prelims is in 20 days, O's in 75 days that really scare the shit out of me, and yeah I felt like breaking down during Amath. I wonder if it's a mental thing to feel like I'm not doing anything though I'm trying.

Anyway, thinking of how many other must feel the same way, I guess what we can do is be mutually supportive in every way we can... Okay that sounds so MsOng.

Since I'm currently unable to spend my time with you guys (aww), but here it is anyway... Will be updating on individual dedications like everyone's doing. I'm jumping on the bandwagon to spread the loooove. Do follow the link :) Yeah it means this much that i'm posting both the vid and the lyrics, don't disappoint me! GOGOGO!!

Christina Aguilera - The Voice Within

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWixUIMTjYc

Lyrics:

Young girl, don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl, it's all right
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl, don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl, just hold tight
And soon you're gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you're lost outside look inside to your soul

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Yeah...Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll ever need to know

You'll make it
You'll make it
Just don't go forsaking yourself
No one can stop you
You know that I'm talking to you

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall


Yup... That's about it, shall blog more about this, plus the dedications tomorrow... Just some things I wanted to say but couldn't. Yeah and now I do love Christina Aguilera, don't care if some people find her annoying. I just like her vocals and strength. As usual.

Goodnight! I shan't be late tomorrow... corright Mr Ang? (Damn he still has hallucinations about me being late and starts lecturing me!)

Labels: Darkness, Essence of Sprouting, Friends, Real Life, Teen Angst

Changed my blogskin! Yup, definitely a breather from the bandwidth
exceeded photobucket shit. GRR! Ah well, I've grown to like my new skin already. At first I was so pissed off at blogskins cos there wasn't any skin that really appealed to me.

The basic writing styles etc. wouldn't change (back to skimming through my blog posts), but I guess from here, it would take a more analytical, 3rd party, Freudian perspective. Like I said, "more". :) I ain't going nowhere. Not planning to!

BTW, I'm not emo in this post, haha you should know me. Just being contemplative here.

Well it's just that some serious things happened lately, and by 'serious' it really is an understatement. *shifty* Just didn't know how much it snowballed. So there, I'm using this bloggy to do reflecting and all, so be happy Ms Ong. (don't come here after I've graduated thank you! I still need you and your impression of me to write my testimonial HEHEH)

Come on over, come on over baby.

Personally, I feel that because of my ambiguity (well more so than others), I really do leave it up to people to decide who I am, as in what they think of me. So, they just map out a picture of what they think, and react accordingly. Ah well, as much as it's not been an easy ride this way, at least it's told me who I can really trust to give me hand to, and take their hands. Again it's up to them to think if it's their loss or gain.

Suddenly I have to face the fact that I've a lot more internal and external mazes that I'd like to face up to. So yeah, a lot has got to do with perspective, from the most subliminal to the blatant. Tough nut to crack eh?

It's just, I had no idea that things snowballed to this state today, it's almost subconcious. Haha, this would be a good time to say that I might be taking drama too seriously. Wait, everyone's got drama in their lives.

Take acting.

There's the actor who just does whatever the director says.
There's the actor who goes against the director and does her own thing like a freaking diva. (Please don't bring Queenie into this! I'm the biggest diva here can!*flips hair* Check me out Queenie! I can do this hair flipping thing better than you can rock your silver strappy attention-deficit sandals)

See!! RAWR that's what I mean.

Then there's the director who's pretty much blur on how to do blocking, deal with difficult actors, then just decides "Let's just get this over with" and does a shitty job.
Or the perfectionist director who's getting walked over by everything. Exerting control is futile.

The frustrated senior and the impatient junior.
The perfectionist and the slacker.
The train wreck and the completely normal person.
The girl who scares Mdm Priya and also scared by her.

But I haven't lost my sense of purpose and sanity yet.. I think. Purpose definitely not. The people around me and the world, plus some reflections have settled that. Thank you guys (: For you all mean so much to me, I've gone to this extent.

Time for the tough to get going!

(And yes, I will do what I have to do. Sounds familiar, Sec3s? Look I'm doing it too!)

That aside, DAMNIT I WAS LATE TODAY. Woke up at the same time, stood at the bus stop at the same freaking time, maybe even earlier. 3 buses went by cause of the crowd... GRR. Darn, it's always the adults (at my stop) that are the frigging hell most kiasu ones. I can't tell you how many times i got shoved, pushed, ignored and treated like... just so they can get on the bus first, though we've been waiting earlier. We gots to go to school people. LOL, trying to beat the ERP is it? Damn, and to think the school always gets complaint letter about teens. Sure they're inconsiderate but not all of us. Uncivilised? We're not always in the wrong dammit. Look at yourselves. Yes it's coming from a teenager, call me defiant and rebellious and I haven't got parents for nuts. I'm just stating a fact.

Okay la, that's not the reason why I'm late. It's just 3 buses too crowded.. so it wasn't really my day. But I'm not gonna ruin it. :)

Hmm, I wonder if some teachers got something against me already. Ah well, I try to stay out of shit anyway. HOHO I CAN READ YOUR CUES PEOPLE. So yeah, i realised that whether or not you get punished for latecoming is mostly due to the teacher's mood. Observe.

Teachers in bad mood usually seem like they're having menopause (for women) or men-opause(for men) Thank you Shawn for this bit of info. I do feel sorry for you knowing an old man in his mid life crisis having problems with that. Would a gynae help?

Well...
They almost seem like Christopher Boone. 3 red cars makes it a good day. 5 yellow cars is a black day. Seriously! Like, 3 strikes and you're out. 3 good things happened to me before 7.25 and you're all scot-free.

Good mood: HELLO STUDENTS! Ya, what to do, the bus like that today! All write a complaint letter to SBS okay! For 45 years, and still like that. We have a world class service, so we should do something about it.

Me (under my breath, deadpan stare): Sure... world class service. Like what happened when mas selamat escaped. They're not going to respond to some dumbass letter. Hundreds of these must've been written 45 years ago, don't you think so too, Mr Ang? Common sense, I might be late, but I'm not as tired as I seem.

Who knows we can do another musical about his capture 45 years later to celebrate: Our Pride, Our Toilets.

Bad Mood: Today would be a splendid example.

Now I know how it feels like to be in one of those war movies where Jews and their buddies get locked up in Naze concentration camps, ooh ohh with an oversized Nazi prison warden too! With a deep scary voice, and a burly physique. Well, today I was 10 minutes late. Sat with Anjelica at the latecomers parade, human zoo, museum, whatever you want to call it. It's a free exhibit where people can go tsktsktsk, make dumb comments, or laugh and wave HI! to the exhibits and hope they respond. HI SHAWN! YOU SAW US TODAY! *waves*

Anyway, saw Huiyi, Syafiqah, Ann Perng etc. too... haha not me alone. Ah well, at least i didn't waste 55cents more than those people who chose to switch to 154 thought they would most likely be late. Well, let's put things into context.

We were living in fear and boredom, just chatting, thinking of the optimisms and downs in life... then the warden came. Silence. Then an order to have a small space, with a specific distance from the other souls. Some barking, discussing with a higher-up, seperating the persistent cases ... and then the meting out of the physical labour.

I sigh and I would rather be let back into my ghetto. C'mon it's bad enough to be there, here too?! 1 round around the camp within a stipulated time. Making the best out of it, Anj and I took our time and laughed our asses off. She was to lose an important personal possesion because of the sweat from her forehead wasn't very friendly.

Yippee, sentenced to another round. (damn, haven't done running in sucha long time)

Oh come on, it's so... freaking alike, except that the context is different. We get cleaned up and I went for English class 40 minutes late. So tempted to tell Mdm Priya that I went for a trip to the Nazi camp, then decided to tell her I was late. Ruined the fun.

Wow, I realised that I'm becoming a lot more harsh and critical about things, rather than choosing to sit on the fence... Guess I just can't shut up anymore. LOL, my mouth isn't likely to take a holiday anytime soon.

Like what Mark Lee said:

Actually I was very quiet in primary school, but when I went to secondary school, i discovered the joy of talking. And I haven't stopped since.

OH MY!

Labels: Darkness, Essence of Sprouting, Real Life, Secondary School Life, Seeds of Smartness Sown to Show-off, Teen Angst, To-do list

'Mocha Chocolatta ya ya, Creole Lady Marmalade"

Gotta love the food references. A lady called Marmalade. She goes well with your toast. And look, she comes with a mocha chocolatta latte.

Haha, like how Scarlett is a name asking to be raped.

It's gonna have a terse tone.

Darn, I let many days pass me by without blogging, and it just so happened that so many things ... well happened. Will be catching up on those though. So here's the latest thing that came into the mind, along with swimming in a chocolate pool. I'm so fidgety these days. Yeah must have something to do with Shawn being vice-Pres. I'm so restless and I can't read an essay properly without getting distracted. (ya maybe ms phua can have something to say about this) Been like this the whole morning and now I'm still twitching in my seat when I couldn't stand still just now. - eats more chocolate - - drinks more coffee - - caffeine overload - - sugar rush-

Well let's explore the cause of my abnormality, despite my usual .. abNORMAL SELF. Have this strange itch to disturb everyone I see.
I want a Macadamia Muffin. (okay random)

Let's see. 745-845 English lesson with Miss Phua and the all the English pros in JSS. The best of the best, the cream of the crop, erm erm the nut in the chocolate. For nuts-with-chocolate lovers, this bunch of people make the school academia look good. Adds extra taste and finer quality, plus something new. For people allergic to nuts in chocolate, or have a distaste for ruining the original taste, this bunch of people try to hog all the attention? Ruin everything? Such that good, solid chocolate doesn't have so much space cos all the bits and pieces, or huge bits and pieces of nuts are overcrowding the area in the entire chocolate bar.

Just put that into perspective ... think somehow any situation fits whatever people are experiencing now. Okay wonder how I managed to link academics to chocolate, from an original topic of hyperactivity.

Anyway, understandably people are pissed about the English banding. Then again, who wouldn't feel pissed. Like classing students out. WOW i can't imagine if the classed us for Math. The humiliation (don't get me started on the damned INTERGRATION test. WHO GIVES A (censored) ABOUT INTEGRATION?). Was so pissed off during the Math study camp anyways.

Digression: Why is it that I can study my arse off and I just don't get it! LIFE SUCKS. It's like, I'm always asking Sharon how to do this, how to do that. So annoying (prob to her. Sharon im so sorry) and so paiseh (me lah). Why is it that everyone gets things so much faster than me?! Feeling like I'm on one of my frustrated modes again. It just won't leave me alone, since kindergarten for God's sake.

Anyways, I know some things the teacher does is bound to piss some people off. Haiz, I don't know what to feel. First the favouritism and the stress of being in such a class with the elites, like I'm not willing to share all my ideas, thinking that they'd be disrespected anyway. (bad experiences. had lit with the elites before. hey it rhymes, but it sure doesn't take away the bad taste in my mouth). Then the stress from all the structure of "The Ultimate Essay". Why should we have all these imposed on us? If people really are this good, they should come up with their own ideas, not everyone jumping on the bandwagon. Like an abortion plotline for the compo "Loss".

Well of course, there's always the contradiction. Do I want to be on the favoured side? I can't answer that, but it sure is convenient. And yeah, since people have been saying this about me, well I can't control what other people's actions are, except my own. So don't you get all flustered at me and think that I did something when you weren't looking. (sad case, the people i trust the most in school before and now thought so)

Still remembered this point of time when i was yearning for a 4-3 English lesson with Mrs Aidil again. COME BACK TO ME! NOOOOO WHY DID YOU LEAVE US!

I do admire those that write for the sake of a good essay, rather than hankering after an A1, determined by what the marker wants to see. Why conform, when you can explore and discover so much more? This way, essays won't ever be a chore. Well at least a bore. Gotta love the originality too :) even if the idea of a love-based story in a tsunami setting seems laughable.

So there... now you know. Specifically, today we were told to write an essay within 45 minutes. So you gotta concentrate, right? Sweet irony, the teacher talks about techniques from one person's essay for 45 minutes, expects you to copy down, and somehow finish the essay she told you to write a few minutes ago. Then when you say you can't finish it, hand in on Monday, she says "Like this you will keep on stretching the date! Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday..."

You get the gist. Of course, there's always an element of maintaining individuality. I don't want to be like the rest. Surely there must be other ways of getting an A1! EMBRACE THE NON-CONFORMITY! Okay, too much sugar. Or frustration for that matter. It's fighting the pressure to be the same, and I'm losing my concentration on the process.

I pledge allegiance to the underworld
One nation under dog
There of which I stand alone
A face in the crowd
Unsung, against the mold
Without a doubt
Singled out
The only way I know

I'm getting into my Sec 1 stress again. Feeling the stress of being different, and first glimpse at how people turn up their noses. Who would've known that it would continue till now? Wait, I had known anyway.

Stepped out of the line
Like a sheep runs from the herd
Marching out of time
To my own beat now
The only way I know

Sometimes I feel like I'm the chocolate with nuts, sometimes I feel like the chocolate without nuts. (Anjelica don't think horny) Or I'm looking at the chocolate with nuts, or the chocolate without nuts.

Nah, I'll always be the macadamia muffin. :)

Ending Note: To all of the musical cast/chorus/everyone, thank you for the memories that we created from scratch. Yup we sure did watch our seed of a musical grow. Day by day, inch by inch, little by little, the magic shows~ Especially you muffins. Ya, so I won't miss the guys as much cos they're don't have a muffin name, because guys have no muffins.

There I've said it. It's just the caffeine talking.

Really!

Labels: Accomplishments, Real Life, Secondary School Life, Seeds of Smartness Sown to Show-off, Teen Angst, What's up or new

Labels: Darkness, Essence of Sprouting, Food, Friends, Seeds of Smartness Sown to Show-off, Teen Angst, WhatcausesJoy

Hey now I''m hanging out at StephL's. Hmm, JCs aren't really that reliable, seriously. Take a certain JC, leadership things over grades? Gee I don''t know, plus I've had enough of cheena school environments that are boring. stuffy, and not a hotbed for creativity. In fact, it can literally be a thriving ground for communistic tendencies of keeping a propagandish media, say China/Russia/North Korea/Myanmar? Food for thought.


Besides, i seriously doubt their student welfare. Gosh i can't live with that. I've had enough of this, seriously, ever since pri.sch. Like, the people at the top just care about you giving academic achievements to the school, or those cca awards etc. This shouldn't be the case la... Ever heard of nurturing learning?


Oh yeah, the school banners (not very truthful arh) are afterall school banners. How far can you trust them? Hmm, anyways, since checking out DSA for AC, I've seriously decided on poly. Even DSA Drama, gosh I had no idea the awards in their list even existed. See? So stifling xP. I'm on the side for polytechnic education. And i ain't slacker. Though poly students are a lot of hyper fun and eat a lot :p


DADP again. Gotta get past COP 12. Aim single-digit still the best, though sometimes it's kinda out of my league. Anyways, you gotta pass an aptitiude test first too. Ha, and didcha know that even if you don't have anywhere near 12, can appeal de! xP, of course not that easy la, got so many smartasses wanting to take your place. Ah well, such is the competitive world.

Singapore's environment isn't anything like the Western countries, at least not in the schools I go to or am aware of. There's actually a lot of difference. For one thing, you can choose to be an Art of Science major, and still be respected all the same. Crappy environment la .. here you study Arts and people laugh at you. And for a good reason actually, what's there to look at for Arts in Singapore? Land area too small, money no enough for Arts as much as Sciences. Seriously, I have never doubted the supply of ideas in this country. Maybe you can't be a tech hub etc. and be an art hub at the same time ... the result of wanting to mash up the two in this very small land area seems kinda wannabe-ish.

It's a bit impossible to say that Singapore is cosmoplitan like, say, London?

Oh well ... poly prepares you for the industry? Till now I don't get the differences fully, guess time will tell. :p So Mr Ng kinda wasted his breath trying to explain to me.

It's sad how some things work at times, but we're not in control. Therefore, we can only hope for the better and just laugh along with all the shit. So there, like the musical. Yeah, it's merely for publicity - the image that the school wishes to portray. Gosh I tell the hard truth, tongue-in-cheek. It's my little bit of cyberspace anyway.

Still, looking at everything in the musical, so much more can be done. Like, everything's fine actually, in fact, I happen to think that lots of people in this school are more talented than they're given credit for. It's the same as with Singapore and this school. If you keep picking from the same pool of talent that you know, and don't keep a lookout for more undiscovered raw talents, people are never gonna realise a full potential due to the vice of laziness and convenience. Then, someone else is going to pick them and give them better opportunities. And which nitwit would stay to help somebody who doesn't give a shit about them? Still wanna complain about brain drain?

Damn, it's like, so much talent with expensive help. Why throw it to waste with a crappy musical storyline? Pro-pa-gan-da. Now struggling to cover the costs? Harhar, thing is, if it was a better, different storyline, a lot of people would pay even more to see it. Rather than an hour of crap they've been told over and over again for $30. LOL, we even thought that a spoof would be worth 5o bucks and 2 shows won't be enough okay!

Sigh, gotta keep the image and the donations pouring in, right? What's the point? Tsk, some sort of giving the Arts a bigger scene. That's like saying ELDDS/any other arts group gets to have the Pulse Studio for practice sessions. Yeah, only in the case where you need us to bring home an award or something.

As much as the Alumni are probably people with small fortunes, with very traditional Chinese values, and with company names like "Tan and Ah Kow Holdings" who will be confused at something artsy and would rather watch something that they wanna see, like say, history of JSS? Gosh, I mean, what's there to brag about? Honestly! Our school history so exciting meh? xP it would be if they cared more about us. Ah, every organisation has it's flaws and preferences, yes?

What we all have in mind, is a musical that's more intelligent than that, I think. These words are my own. Wouldn't it be great if we can showcase JSS as a school that welcomes the Arts instead of the heavy censorship that blocks out the "wrong stuff"? We have to learn to laugh at ourselves, seriously. The atmosphere's too tensed and we're not getting anywhere. Art is an expression. Talent is to express what people feel effectively, yes? It's a great pity that all is going to waste. You say how you feel, not how other people want you to feel. That's what I know.

From the more pragmatic side, fine. I can be realistic too. If you get a role, yay! It's difficult to make money as an artist, that's for sure. Oh well, that's just the vision in my idealistic head. As my uncle would say, I'm too young too be pissed at such things that cannot be changed. Might as well accept. Uh uh, I won't embrace it, but make the most of it.

Next post: What's wrong in the first place? Other than all these heh heh, my rants are neverending. RARRAR

Labels: Essence of Sprouting, Questions, Quirks, Real Life, Secondary School Life, Teen Angst

Third post for today, but I'm just feeling inspired, so 'DON'T STOP ME NOW, DON'T STOP ME CUZ I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME, HAVIN' A GOOD TIME!', hehe ya James aka Shawn?

Two issues will be discussed. One based on tourism (from inspiration from Redtail's blog) and another on -gasps- something taboo, like say ... t.A.T.u? Hmm, possibly another on scammers with preety heart-shaped paperclips.

t.A.T.u is a female Russian singing duo formed out of a children's singing group. They're very talented, and generate publicity and do marketing through the use of controversy (of lesbianism) and a fair amount of skin. The Russian name of t.A.T.u is painfully long (much to Shawn's delight) but it just means a shortened version of "This Girl Loves That Girl". It becomes "This Loves Her" for short.

Their English debut single "All The Things She Said" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K54p_fCrGL8) made waves throughout the world. or the world with the Internet, MTV or pop radio. Never a player of "playing safe", they're marketed as lesbians. Their sexual orientation is unclear though. Or at least I have no idea la, but I won't write them off as lesbians. Oh well, it's a bit sneaky and creative to market singers like this, though it has clearly worked. It's really your opinion. Though I'd like to think they do have it 'It" factor, solid singing voices and harmonisation and really are more intelligent than people want to see them in their fetish schoolgirl outfits and revealing shots. Oh well, sex sells.

In their video of the song, well yeah there's shots of them engaging in kissing. So, yep, don't watch that if you have a weak constitution for shock. Thing is, as much as publicity is involved, notice that at the end the girls leave and it's the closeminded people who are really behind the fence and contained, while they are free to go after being scrutinised. The rain clears. So the message is to tell people to be more understanding, which i believe is what a lot of people lack. It does no good to anyone.

Anyway, how does that relate to me? Or possibly you. What I really like about t.A.T.u, besides two talented European girls is that they really are smart in the sense of what they believe in, and what's really in their lyrics and albums. It's raw expression through use of music and singing voices. A pity not a lot of people give them credit for that and choose to slam them for being cheats (not really lesbians) or lesbians (this world is weird). Very liberal though, I might not agree with some of the things they do, but that's just the conservative Asian in me. I'm not a Westerner this way.

Which brings me to the question: You might say it's how they deserve it by wanting to market themselves as les-es want to make controversy to be famous, but that's their and their manager's problem really. But they do make a strong solid points about the truth with a lot of people. Simply having people judging a pair of girls like this says a lot about people doesn't it? And it's reflected in their songs. Fine by me if you say I'm a weirdo.

"You the cutest jailbird I ever did see" - Jailhouse Rock, Elvis Presley

suggesting a form of gay-ing in an all-males prison :p

Section 377A of the Penal Code of Singapore: (AH! HERE IT COMES!)

Section 377A of the Penal Code of Singapore is the main remaining piece of legislation which criminalises sex between mutually consenting adult men.

Section 377A ("Outrages on decency") states that:

Any male person who, in public or private, commits, or abets the commission of, or procures or attempts to procure the commission by any male person of, any act of gross indecency with another male person, shall be punished with imprisonment for a term which may extend to 2 years.

Hmm, so the law only penalises gay men? What about lesbians? Okay nevermind that, i do not wish to be dragged into a debate with lawyers and the like. Haha, that's not my main focus. I'm not one to question the Constitution, not at my age though. Thing is, even without this written law, isn't it so that there's already a de facto one? One that's unwritten, but yet clearly stated through social norms?

Ah, I'm already a weirdo before being introduced to the subject of 'Conformity' by DADP immersion. Oh, the irony. I mean I've experienced the consequences of non-conformity so many times before that it really sucks to be me. "It sucks to be me, it sucks to be me"- Avenue Q HAHA, but somehow I'm proud of it, not like I'ma rebellious wannabe. I just do what I think is right and what I feel that judgemental people have no right to take away from me. Like, I don't care what your excuse is, seriously. I have done nothing wrong. You're a biased freak, that's what you are, without peppering my words. Note the word usage and labels, smartass. Lookie!

Anyways, I guess you people stuck in the same rat hole as I am, that actually understand me, all while being confined and silenced is that I am in fact labelled, though subconsciously now. My jelly backbone-less black pencil case says "I'M NOT A RULES KINDA GIRL" in silver lettering. I guess nobody really understood what it meant, cuz I'm not a rulebreaker in school. heh, I'm not even rude to teachers that I don't like, let alone some people. By rules, I never meant for it to be school rules, but unwritten societal rules, some of which is perpetually unnecessary for a free spirit. And yes, all these in Sec2.

The pencil box might be slightly tattered now, but it signifies no change in my thinking. Independent, I might add. In some ways I am deemed to be a fool, and yet I don't think it's the wrong choice to make. Life's too short for regrets. Stuff like wanting to ask questions, but being too afraid to ask is fine, but when fundamentals like friendship, moral propriety and love is involved, I gotta put my foot down.

As an example of the most extreme that has happened, hmm .. I do have a label as a les. So when I joke about them, I never really mean it. Cuz it's how you're made, and so be it, even if it's not a majority orientation. So look at me, I've got nothing against gays. My specs are purple, by chance of course ;D.

So yeah, to clarify: I'm not a lesbian. I don't like girls that way. Okay? No matter what I do, or what I say. I kid around with people, but no, don't take that seriously. Lightens the mood, ya?

I may give girls dramatic flirtatious looks if I'm really good friends with them, kid about being a les with them, up the extent of giving girl hugs and actually holding their hands is fine too.

Take StephanieL for example. After this post, I would like the skeptics and haters to shut up (like that's possible). Sometimes, it does hurt me to think that you really think I'm a lesbian. StephL, by the way. Oh and um StephK's taken by Shawn. Aww. xP!

I'm just really good friends with her, best friends in fact. I know some people who have been really close to their buddies too, okay? Closer than I am in fact. I shan't say what, since I think the people in question would like me to be quiet about this.

Thing is, I might get all high, laughing-mad etc. with StephL, and hang outside her class etc. but it doesn't mean we touch each other the wrong way or anything. And it certainly doesn't mean I stick my tongue in her mouth either. Think of your reaction now. How do you feel? Reflect.

Thing is, some things are okay for friends to do together. Okay? Don't you see people sharing the same shower stall for camp? Don't friends hold hands too? Is it such a crime that I hang outside her class, or she does the same, or maybe enter the class? Well, what do you know, some people think so, simply because it's not right for a senior and a junior to be friends this close? Hello?! Wake up your bloody idea, she's not my CCA junior or anything, how the hell can I be biased to her? That aside, is that so wrong?

Well, guess what. It is to some people. Say, her previous classmates? And possibly mine. Or any member of the student body? How close-minded and homophobic can you people be? Or worse, so assuming and smart-alecky.

Thing is, we don't drag each other down, we encourage each other, stick up for each other, do the stuff that friends do together. And we're just more open than others about wanting to share how wonderful this friendship is to the world, yes spreading the love. Anything wrong with that? Thing is, you might not like her or like me, but you cannot deny the fact that our friendship is strong has weathered many storms. Okay? You don't know the full facts behind it. Why be so judgemental? I never said you were a gay or a lesbian, in fact, I'm sincerely nice to people I detest at times. If I have to say "hey, good luck" I mean it, even though I usually don't like you.

Are you capable of that?

Ask yourself. Do you have the slightest hint of a conscience?

It might be subconscious to you, but as respect for a human being, I suggest that if you truly feel this way, I'd like you to stop it. Okay? You may joke that I'ma lesbian or she is, but never do it till the point where we feel hurt or if that's what's really on your mind. I've clarified. Plus, no matter how holy you think you are, God or your Jiminy Cricket of a conscience would want you to think before doing or saying anything. Be understanding and accepting, it's not a crime to be a good friend dammit. I never discriminated against you for that now, did I?

I would never hurt anyone, at least I try, no matter how much they've hurt me. Which is why when i try to control, sometimes I hurt myself in the process. As long as I don't go mad, that's okay. 2 wrongs don't make a right. Now i really get "turn the other cheek". Okay? People can vouch for that. Why do you think I'm always so emotional? Well, yeah, I don't kick kitties in their bodies when i feel pissed, nor do i yell at a domestic help as and when I like.

So there, I've done what I needed to do. Speak up and stick by my beliefs. It's up to you now. Do you really wanna remain stubbornly incurable?

And yeah, i might have hugged her onstage in sec 2, haha maybe it's when I didn't realise how much "trouble" I'd be getting into. Oh the social stigma, how it stings when you're not looking. And we do have the same design of a bag. It's a friendship bag, for God's sake. Is that so wrong too? Doesn't it seem all very ludicrous now, now that you've looked at it in a logical manner? And yeah, I got it myself, with my own money, to match hers, as a symbol of friendship. It's freedom of expression too, by the way. Are you too stuffy to box that too? Gee, maybe i should migrate to the U.S. I do like their freedom. "Land of the free, and the home of the brave".

Yes, no guy bought that for me. I don't mooch off guys, thank you very much, though you've insulted me, thanks for the awareness anyway. Wish you had some of it too.

So there you go. This is my speech, and my ode to friendship, acceptance, and expression. Can swallow? i won't be sorry for what I haven't done wrong.

F = ma

Force = Mass x Acceleration

Friendship = Maturity x Acceptance/Appreciation. (i'm smart, okay fine credits to Alvin)

Recently, friends have again never failed me. I'ma lucky duck, yes siree. (References from Dictionary.com) Oh yeah, and it's no big deal being friends with anyone, guy, girl, lesbian or gay, or bi.

Ludicrous (adj.): causing laughter because of absurdity; provoking or deserving derision; ridiculous; laughable: a ludicrous lack of efficiency.

Stigma (noun): a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one's reputation.

Homophobic (noun): unreasoning fear of or antipathy toward homosexuals and homosexuality.

Perpetual (adj.):
1. continuing or enduring forever; everlasting.
2. lasting an indefinitely long time: perpetual snow.
3. continuing or continued without intermission or interruption; ceaseless: a perpetual stream of visitors all day.
4. blooming almost continuously throughout the season or the year.

Conformity (noun):
1. action in accord with prevailing social standards, attitudes, practices, etc.
2. correspondence in form, nature, or character; agreement, congruity, or accordance.
3. compliance or acquiescence; obedience.
4. (often initial capital letter) compliance with the usages of an established church, esp. the Church of England.

Skeptic (noun):
1. a person who questions the validity or authenticity of something purporting to be factual.
2. a person who maintains a doubting attitude, as toward values, plans, statements, or the character of others.
3. a person who doubts the truth of a religion, esp. Christianity, or of important elements of it.
4. (initial capital letter) Philosophy.
a. a member of a philosophical school of ancient Greece, the earliest group of which consisted of Pyrrho and his followers, who maintained that real knowledge of things is impossible.
b. any later thinker who doubts or questions the possibility of real knowledge of any kind

Propriety (noun):
1. conformity to established standards of good or proper behavior or manners.
2. appropriateness to the purpose or circumstances; suitability.
3. rightness or justness.
4. the proprieties, the conventional standards of proper behavior; manners: to observe the proprieties.
5. Obsolete. a property.
6. Obsolete. a peculiarity or characteristic of something.

Labels: Accomplishments, Darkness, Essence of Sprouting, Family, Friends, Quirks, Real Life, Secondary School Life, Teen Angst, To be a Child, WhatcausesJoy

I can't help it if my mum doesn't see the times that I study. How would I know if I have studied in school, and refuse to study anymore at home when she's around? Stroke of no-luck. I'm so ignoring her now, if I talk to her, I'm gonna lose control of myself. Of course I admit that there are times when I choose to slack off, but really, most of the studying is done when she isn't around.



I want to swear my mouth off again, for the tenth time this week.



This is just wonderful, my parents discussing what to do about me.

My life rocks. You must be so envious or rolling off your chair now.



Sometimes, it's just a whole load of shit, and you get nothing in the end. To put in effort, try to juggle and do everything right, and nothing is done. Worst still, done wrong.



5 minutes ago, I've lost my temper as of again. Crap, I'm losing the ability to form complete sentences and there's a headache drumming the back of my skull. Anyone who tries to talk to me now, will only make me fly off the handle.



Resist. Endure. Resist. Endure. Ommmmm ~



God I hate my brother now. Wonderful, I've just lost it again, and told my brother to shut up his mouth. It feels as if, I'm just letting out this stream of emotions in one scream. Shut up, shut up, shut up. Who cares if "your son is a bubbly boy full of wit and charm". Watch my foot go up your ass if I hear someone say this. He isn't that academically capable, and definitely lazier than I was. Which is why ... Life's all screwed up for me now. I hate it when my brother tries to act smart bout everything. If you say he's cute now, even if you're Mythili, I am going to yell at you or throw my stick at you, like Fanny. Don't piss me off now, I'm a soon-to-be-exploding volcano.

I've remained dormant ever since getting the results.



Great, my mum's trying to be all concerned about me now. All I want to do is just shut off and die. Kill me now. Think I should try to walk into a blind spot onto the road. Bang! and I'll forget everything.



Smart ass. I've only told my mum today, that I failed four subs. Wanna know which ones? Enjoy my pain, I'm hanging it out like linen that stupid upstairs-neighbours can dirty. I failed my Maths and Sciences. Ha ha ha!

Like wtf, I screwed up, for the millionth time. Ah well, not even English and Lit can cover my ass now. My L1R5's probably the same number as the years Lee Kuan Yew has been in power, which he still is now, by the way.



I have chosen not to tell my Mum until today.

Labels: CCA, Darkness, Secondary School Life, Teen Angst

Second post for today, since I'm in a fairly unpleasant mood and I gotta vent it out to have a good night's sleep. Or even some revision. Sporadic renewals of pissiness since last year. My patience exceeds my expectations, time and again. Sweet Mother, refreshing oranges, I do love you so. I sense a headache coming ... The following of this post shall be explained in a non-reporting style, unlike my previous post on musical training.

I do adore Shakira's songwriting skills for a reason you know, somehow I find that I am able to relate or find that her words ring true in many situations. So in the musical mood now haha ~

Poem to A Horse - Shakira (check it out on Youtube or something, the tune brings out the meaning even more)

You’re too far to bring you close
And too high to see below
just hangin’ on your daily dose
I know you never needed anyone
But the rolling papers for your grass
How can you give what you don’t have?

The context of the song is about drug addicts, and well, their addictions (if you don't know, grass is what they call a drug to be smoked). Somehow, it can be applied to individuals that aren't really on literally drugs, but drugs of their own kind, that might be of their own undoing, which happened to be a product of their creation in the monster of their minds.

They can be so ... so self-deluded in their own world, so self-centred, egoistic, ego-centric (ha! learnt this word from debate). Their ditzy illusions have unfortunately blinded them, and they can't really see the truth, even though it's right smack in front of them. Everyone is aware, except for those living in lala land. It pains me to think that they think that I am the one who is hopelessly blur and confused, and too nice to care. Oh sweet irony, open the eyes that your mother blessed you with. You are the one who is unaware, even though you think you're oh-so-smart.

It's as if, without being a total friggin' ass, you can't pass a day. No words can express my sympathy, I know not whether to feel any anger, or pity.

How can you give what you don't have?

You keep on aiming for the top
And quit before you sweat a drop
Feed your empty brain with your hydroponic pot
You start out playing with yourself
You get more fun within your shell
Nice to meet you but I gotta go my way

It's difficult for me not to feel sorry for you. When will you wake up? Somehow, I do have a nagging feeling that your attitude will lead to incompetence, which will eventually pull you down in a world that is more unforgiving. Cross the limits! Come on, nothing will happen, as far as you are concerned. Sweetie, life isn't a bed of roses. Cliched, but the thorns shall slice into your flesh sooner or later, take caution. Go ahead, some of us might enjoy your pain. Not necessarily me, no matter how many times you've hurt me. To have a heart of gold ... is priceless nowadays. I'm not Mother Theresa, even though I do try to be rid of negative emotions.

Nice to meet you, but I gotta go my way.

Chorus:

I’ll leave again
Cause I’ve been waiting in vain
But you’re so in love with yourself
If I say my heart is sore
Sounds like a cheap metaphor
So I won’t repeat it no more

For everyone, one must never judge them beforehand. Tried and tested, and many chances have been given, but unfortunately, it's hard to cooperate isn't it? I'm sick and tired already. You can be such a paradox, whenever you judge me. Ever heard of "LOOK WHO'S TALKING?"

As is Myanmar, a country brimming with precious stones, but they're all worthless when the junta squanders the cash away, ruining the people and the land. I don't need to get started on human rights or lack of labour safety.

I have to leave now, what others are showing you have fallen on deaf ears or blind eyes. Were you born like that, or grown to be like that?

Whatever, I'm wasting my time. Only typing this post to vent frustrations and improve my writing flow. You mean nothing to me. Afterall, indifference is the most effective tool of self-defence. If you hate someone, it means you still care. Good morrow, 'scholar'. I can't help you anymore. Amazing, one of the rare times I gave up on somebody like you.

So I won't repeat it no more.

I’d rather eat my soup with a fork
Or drive a cab in New York
Cause to talk to you is harder work
So what’s the point of wasting all my words
If it’s just the same or even worse
Than reading poems to a horse

Gave up, give in to your ridiculous ways. Stubborn, spoilt and impaired. To be materially blessed guarantees nothing about character. I give props to the person who is able to play nice in a world that's rough and tough. I find that if I lose control of myself, it's equivalent to have lost the battle completely. Though I do feel the urge to show physical violence, I shall not resort to that, though I do feel that if we were ever caught in such a situation, I can take you. Out, that it. (: I might be small, but don't underestimate me. I do know what to do, and as long as you're not those ladies who wrestle on wwe (shit show, btw) or something, you're not much of a threat either. If we both go down, you're going down first. Ah well, physical violence is not the answer, that we should be matured enough to know. As much as I do have the ability to make you cry like a limping puppy, I choose not to. So, don't shit with me. Karma's a bitch. Alas, I shall be more civilised than you, since you've already proven to be otherwise, I see I have the upper hand. Strength, I shall always have control over myself. Since I do receive very helpful advice from people, it is possible that I can adapt, or to live in a bubble, and to remain true to myself without letting you walk all over me like this. What I lack in physical strength, I shall make up for it with brains, wit, intelligence (omg, I'm so proud of myself), endurance and communication skills. Suddenly, I don't feel so bad about myself anymore, cuz you clearly have none of the above.

Many had hoped that you would learn, but no, you didn't. Did you even try? If I did something wrong, I do try my best. So, you're actually given many chances by many people. Unwittingly, you threw them all away. Go back to preschools, you barely know your ABCs - Attitude, Best and Compassion.

I'm sorry I can't change the world's perception or your attitude, or lack thereof. - Sniggers - Ah, it's much to be desired. My A maths results might suck, but then, why do I feel it's much easier to change that than an attitude? Consequences, remember that. I cannot allow myself to stoop to your level, we all know I'm too good for that.

Reading Poems to a Horse.

If you're the Chinese person, it's a metaphor, like 对牛弹琴.

Sure you might be able to read those four words, but you don't really get it do you?
Slammed, before being slapped, and now, Good-Bye. Kisses.

♥Peace out♥

Disclaimer: I've never specifically said who, so don't jump to conclusions, ya?

For nice and nasty readers alike ... (References from Dictionary.com)

Sporadic (adj.):
1. (of similar things or occurrences) appearing or happening at irregular intervals in time; occasional: sporadic renewals of enthusiasm.
2. appearing in scattered or isolated instances, as a disease.
3. isolated, as a single instance of something; being or occurring apart from others.
4. occurring singly or widely apart in locality: the sporadic growth of plants.

Paradox (noun):
1. a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth.
2. a self-contradictory and false proposition.
3. any person, thing, or situation exhibiting an apparently contradictory nature.
4. an opinion or statement contrary to commonly accepted opinion.

Egoistic (adj.):
1. pertaining to or of the nature of egoism.
2. being centered in or preoccupied with oneself and the gratification of one's own desires; self-centered

Egocentric (adj.):
1. having or regarding the self or the individual as the center of all things: an egocentric philosophy that ignores social causes.
2. having little or no regard for interests, beliefs, or attitudes other than one's own; self-centered: an egocentric person; egocentric demands upon the time and patience of others.

Indifference (noun):

1. lack of interest or concern: We were shocked by their indifference toward poverty.
2. unimportance; little or no concern: Whether or not to attend the party is a matter of indifference to him.
3. the quality or condition of being indifferent.
4. mediocre quality; mediocrity.

Labels: Darkness, Essence of Sprouting, Secondary School Life, Seeds of Smartness Sown to Show-off, Teen Angst

Thursday was wonderful while it lasted .. all the way to 12am. It was as if, as if somehow I knew .. I knew .. today was going to be the biggest shit ever. And shit not in a good way.

Today's friggin fked from the start. Woke up to pathetic results, worst I've ever gotten, and then to upset people, then to the pathetic musical training with Fanny yelling at me when I'm already demoralised. Feels as though all these torture took me by the flanks first, then worked inwards to my demented mind, damaged nerves and you guessed it, a broken heart. Not in THAT way la .. think so much for what.

If I were to see a doctor for this, my conflicting complaints would look like this:

1) Hysterics
2) Blankness
3) Worry
4) Panic
5) Concern
6) Couldn't-care-less-ness
7) Pain
8) Temptation to swear and kill someone
9) Frustration
10) Laughing like a hyena/lunatic
11) Tears falling the next moment
12) Mental and Physical Instability
13) Optimism
14) Pessimism
15) Wanting to yell at the guy who thinks it's very funny to say "OI CONSTANCE YOU CRY ARH!"
16) A mess inside my head
17) Smiling for no reason
18) Giving a black face to a lot of people
19) Having the least normal behaviour (as usual) people cry, go quiet, laugh, complain, rant, shut off etc. and i do everything. smartass me, so versatile.
20) Encouraged and Discouraged

Har .. and they're all not the same :p. Damn, it's very difficult to understand someone like me I am sure of that. Sharon's already confused, and I have no idea if I'm in the right state to talk to anyone. Just blasting the music, watching leaves and sitting in a corner and finally admitting Fanny might be getting on my nerves, but I forgive her, cuz I don't have to do as much as her.

Yes shit is shit, and shit happens in life.

life is shitty, so i might as well give you some shitty meanings here. okay, it's so shitty i don't even bother to do some shitty linking. im in deep shit. (References from Dictionary.com) ... shitionary.

flanks (noun):
1. the side of an animal or a person between the ribs and hip.
2. the thin piece of flesh constituting this part.
3. a slice of meat from the flank of an animal.
4. the side of anything, as of a building.
5. Military, Navy. the extreme right or left side of an army or fleet, or a subdivision of an army or fleet.

Labels: Darkness, Essence of Sprouting, Questions, Secondary School Life, Teen Angst

hey ya'll.. i'm back, that is if you're still there, by the way the title above totally reflects what I will be typing. Fear is a thing with forty-eyes, and from the hours of 7 to 11, the fear's real and larger than life. Thriller night, I know .. just about as scary as a little boy spending the night with Michael Jackson. (disclaimer: no offence mj, just kidding)

Most recently i have developed a form of claustrophobia. And recently is actually half an hour ago.

Sorry if you all happened to be the one that i disturbed in the past weeks. If you got this treatment, ha too bad! HEH HEH HEH. oh well, you wanna be my friend right?

I'm sure you guys know why is this girl running around like a train that's lost control. Lord if You love me You'll rescue me now. Please. Knock me out, anything, just get it over and done with.

Am i for a dose of retalin?

If you have no idea what that is, ever heard Billie Joe from Green Day singing "soda pop and retalin, no one ever died for my sins in hell". Okay you haven't. Retalin is a medicine used to treat hyperactivity, except that the one i suffer from isn't the one like my brother is constantly experiencing.

It's a lot deeper that that. Ever felt like being on crazy clockwork and going tick tock tick tock on a time bomb? Yes, that's what i'm getting. I feel the panic rushing through my veins, and my eyes are wide open though i should be sleepy by now. Tick tock, watch the time on my radar, you're losing it.

I hate this, i want to concentrate on studying. I could, last time though .. I could bury myself with a textbook, you know, jump into an open grave and let the textbooks pile. Or I could use the very thick amaths text to hit my sardonic head with. (re: sardonic = mocking. yes my sanity is becoming an insult to mankind)

Or i could distract myself with some TV, newspapers, the Net, friends, i love you people.. now i can't be left alone. I am claustrophobic because ..

Because.. I'm starting to fear loneliness. Yes, that's a fact. The house is empty, and I don't like it like this. You can't understand this! You just can't! I'd give anything for my brother and mother to come back. Come on home! Nag at me! Annoy me!

I'm not an attention seeker. Really, haters, if you thought so, you don't know me. Something is wrong and I know it. I'm aware. I feel only the cold rush of air through the steely window and the fan. It's not boredom, save me from myself. I want to hang out at Stephanie's, if this can cure this fear.

I'm doing anything to fill up the house ..and and keep myself occupied. It's too silent, too empty, too blank. It musn't reflect my soul. It can't, i wouldn't allow it. DARN I WISH I WENT SWIMMING INSTEAD! WHO CARES IF I HAVE 2 DUMB PAPERS I'M GOING NUTS HERE.

I can't stand the silence, it's creeping up to me, leave me alone i tell you! SHOO! Don't make me set my Dad's outdated luo han on you! It bites and you're not going to like it.

Soo now we know my symptoms .. fear of being alone, fear of uncertainty, fear of a large and empty home, constant panic, u name it.

It's so stupid, trust me to do something stupid. At least watching That's So Raven took my mind off for a while. Thank God for SCV.

I seriously hate you now, why are you doing this to me. Bet you can't even understand it, you just won't. Congratulations, you picked the right idiot to mess with.

Be thankful if you don't have the foggiest idea when it comes to vocabulary (References from Dictionary.com)

Claustrophobia (noun) =>
an abnormal fear of being in enclosed or narrow places.

Sardonic (Adjective) =>
characterized by bitter or scornful derision; mocking; cynical; sneering: a sardonic grin.

Labels: Darkness, Essence of Sprouting, Teen Angst

identity-finder, half-thinker, thought-translater, life-pacer, adversary-fighter, grown-wiser, subtle-humour, nail-biter, indulgent-appreciator, pragmatic-dreamer, irony-murdered, unglamourous-puss, rocket-bunny

october 1st, sixteen, libran, singapore, tutor, christian, student, daughter, sister, friend, writer, artist, teenager, life, love

corny in a paradigm where sense and non sequiturs go together, taking it in like vanilla ice cream on a banana split, or sand on a boot. whichever goes.

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