Writing. We're all inspired by someone. Anyone. Something. Anything.

Now, a combination of keys, and every "Enter" will make a breathless thud. Inspiration drawn from all that I have ever known, at no pressing demand, materialises. Not more what some deem a faceless picture, but to some credit, pointless banter.

All literary merit is incidental.


They've never related, understood? Less so.

It is a law of nature that no life shall be a carbon copy of another. Mimicry is permitted though. Just like how three-leaved clovers, no matter how populous in clusters from Asia to Europe, each one is similar but not the same.

Perhaps writing might induce some notion of understanding. Then again, only those who listen with an open mind will be more likely to go home with enlightenment. I'm a fool. I'm expecting inconclusive, cold judgement to do the impossible.

We all make passing remarks, but we never fully understand. Automatic thoughts spill off one's tongue as fire would consume a building. By then, is it too late?

For some, it has been. I live to tell my story until mankind stops belittling the wisdom of the ancients: The tongue is the most poisonous part of the human body.

Having never expressed this clearly enough, depression is the parasite of the mind. It never has enough; it never eats its fill. By the time it has, all that is left is an empty shell, or memories of the strange fellow who once was.

Some have sold their souls. Similarly, you sell your mind to control. Yes, you control. Unfortunately, you are also controlled.

Not everyone makes a shrewed businessman. There is great potential in the human race. Almost every hour, an idea or a shadow, is born that will someday revolutionise the way we live. Now, if life is about the extremes... there is the extreme alpha good. Then, there is the opposite.

If we are capable of one, we are not incapacitated of the other.

You clutch the sheets of your bed. Keel over. Breathing to keep the body alive, and all else melts away to oblivion. All the drama of teenage angst. At some point, many would feel its trail. Hormones bubbling over the angry effervescence of water on a hot stove. However, less would go to the stage beyond typical rebellion. Even less would perish, but they still do.

So there you go. Dread awaits you everyday, so you live a life so surreal... you're not even sure if you truly exist...


Now, isn't that awful?

Now you know.

Had loads of fun today! Erm yeah, sugar highs give you that kinda effect... like, your mind races fast and your body keeps up, or the other way round. Unfortunately, now I'm so hungry I can't remember the last time I felt this hungry. Or sick, or exhausted because of this.

Sugar. Definitely not for champions. It's a not-so-harmful dope... giving you that extra spurt of energy to go vroom! That is of course, besides the fact that everybody seemed a little off today, on the energy chart.

Devised Drama, Lifespan Pysch and Effective Interpersonal Communication was good, except the last seemed like a gossip session, with the lecturer trying to be productive.

Honestly, it's only been more recently that I've noticed that huge potential in this course. I like everything that I'm taught, and yeah its empowering. Ooh, and go Theatre!

So the other highlight of the day was meeting up with Mythili and Sharon. I guess I don't have to explain how much I've missed them and all. Gossiping, bitching (girls bitch, guys feedback), swooning, complaining, discussing, unglam pics, we did em' all.


Aites, enough about my life in motion (which I should really talk more about). We all have something that we want to achieve.

If you don't know this already, this is a conversation I had.

Them: Can you play the cello? Or the violin? Or the piano? Or any musical instrument?

Me: Nope. Haven't got a musical bone in my body (bet you've heard this before so many times)

Them: Can you draw?

Me: Lousy copies, yes. They're still impressions okay!

Them: Can you fight?

Me: As in?

Them: Martial arts... Muay Thai! *squealing*

Me: ... Yeah I can lose.

Them: Dance?

Me: Am the most inflexible person I know. I just can't register physical moves and coordinate.


Yup, I've made myself come off as a complete loser.

Kinda makes me feel that their compliment before was kinda wasted on me.

Of course, then again, I can act, read (okay fine, I like to. Everyone's literate, ya?), sing (to a pathetic extent, but it's better than being tone deaf), and write. I like languages. Sadly, that's about all there is now to me.

I'm not so sure about teaching. Haven't done enough of it. One primary school kid threatens to make me throw in the towel.

Sucks.

Erm yeah, that's under supposedly... special talents. So, let's not count things like being charismatic, leadership etc. That is, until I get a clearer definition. More of, something you can do. A phenotype expressed... Genotype.

It is a time for us to expand that little circle of identity. There is so much in one's genes that Science can never fully decode and now I'm motivated to search within for potential or interests that has eluded me thus far.

Ah, drama. My first love. It is not just a trophy you can win, it is a battle that wages on now and forever as long as oppresion is in existence... but that's for another story.

I want to be better at this, in that. I can never write well enough. Maybe I won't ever. My blogging style has changed so dramatically, it reminds me of Piaget's Theory of Cognitive Development (HA! I GOT IT RIGHT!). Yeah, you know me. When I tell you something I know, you know it gives me great pleasure to enlighten... or confuse. Brand me mischievous or enthusiastic, bubbly (not perky). Okay so anyway, there is a time when toddlers go through trial-and-error learning (if you believe so) before they can achieve control by being able to solve problems like holding a milk bottle.

Same goes. Sensorimotor stage, tis' they call it. Sometimes, I write as if I speak, and I speak as if I write. At other occasions, writing takes a turn for prose or poetic lines... or overdressed content. Awkward, overdramatic, an insightful duh. It's a process where you explore the environment and your reflexes, then build upon that. Shit happens, but the world makes more sense to you when you can navigate better, doesn't it?

A conflict for every stage. We are at the forefront.

This post won't have much structure.


I'm going to try to update regularly. Feed off my writing bug. It's annoying how persistence and inspiration to write or study comes like, at 1130 when I'm supposed to be in bed. Hence, I'm never in bed early.

Well, to all who stereotype poly life as "slack", I suppose you're gonna have to eat crap, or your words, whichever. Now if you know me, you'd understand I'd be sniggering when I say this ;)

Poor Samuel's up to his neck in poly work, and so are some unfortunate souls that I'd rather not know of.

Maybe the real work hasn't come yet. All the crazy schedules and all...

Maybe the real work involves work that you can't see, like actually needing to study your ass off when they don't give you too much work.

Maybe I'm just not feeling so much pressure cuz of the JSS experience (which is everything but the Beyonce experience. Haha if only life was as easy, pleasurable if you want, as watching her unwaveringly shake her booty).

Maybe it is the patience that God has given me... or the patience that I have impatiently waited for God to give me.

I'm not that flustered. I'm very much in control of my own emotions, even though it's that time of the month. No PMS, just a little quieter than usual, quite comfortable with lounging in the background. I'm not particularly pissed when people keep asking me the same questions.

I feel the need to talk about this... porque, I'm crankier than your grandma when she can't find her dentures. On a bad day, the aftermath will look like Mount Vesuvius' exploded. Blood. Lava in a pot of negative emotions, trauma and pretty much nothing left of the tiny settlement at the foot of the volcano.



I need to sleep early. Or earlier. Gawd, it just so happens that my mind's in its most contemplative at this time of the night.


Poly life is okay, for me that is. Having CASS on the "mountain" (ouch!) ensures that you'll get a workout going around campus. Oh well.


I guess I'm not gonna join any other CCAs. Oh to fend off claims that I have been attention-seeking (not in SP though, thank God), I'm finally gonna talk about this.

Well, as much as I still do self-deprecating humour and laugh at my screw-ups a lot, I'm proud to say I'm not afraid to laugh at myself. I can totally parody Constance. Wanna see? So now I'm gonna say, boy am I a bit of a loser to ramble about some fault in the past that has probably forgotten about this by now. No. The hurt went beyond the exterior.

In the words of goth girl Janice when she lashed at Cady in the car that turned around the bend,

"You're a mean girl!"


I feel so ashamed. Yet I'm more than ever shameless. I wouldn't have addressed it like this in the past. And on a public space. At least not making it obvious enough that it (you hear me, IT) is a female (the more diabolical of the homos sapiens) and from my past, in a wretched present and self-imposed gloom-and-doom future.

Sometimes, I feel more sympathy than hatred and ridicule for you.

How is it true that you can do this. Are you the antagoniser, or the representation of my conflicts? I believe, both.

Oh how you give my insecurities and terrestial foes a face.

A dog-like face. Then again, it would be an insult to dogs.


First and foremost, yes to some extent, aren't we all attention seeking?

Could you, in all the honesty you have left in that little primordial skull, accede that in a bid to seek attention by creating negative attention and then directing it to so many others, you yourself, have given the game away? Yet, you are ever so unaware.

Aww, you don't even bother to give me ingratiating smiles. What a pity.

I'm just speaking to the past I guess... I don't even know where you are right now, whose life you're attempting (you've never succeeded) to ruin. Or maybe, time and maturity would make a direct correlation.

Oh well, in every high school drama, we all need an antagoniser. How cleverly you've played your role. Ooh did I mention that, somehow, statistics also show that 95% of the people you know will also fail to understand why he or she is your antagoniser and assume that you've lost it. Well I did lose it, but that's besides the point.

Guess what hun?

I am attention seeking.

YES I AM ATTENTION SEEKING.

LOOK AT ME!

I HAVE THIS BLOG. THIS IS MY SPACE TO TALK AS AND WHEN I LIKE IT. I WILL SAY THINGS I WILL REGRET BUT SCREWING UP IS A PART OF LIFE THAT I'M READY TO ACCEPT.

I HAVE THIS BLOG ALSO TO GARNER READERS. I FEEL HONOURED THAT PEOPLE READ. I'M NOT AFRAID TO SPEAK. I WON'T CENSOR MYELF THE WAY I USED TO DO. I WANT TO SHARE EVERYTHING I'M PASSABLY GIFTED (YAY GOD!) AT WITH THE WORLD, BECAUSE GOOD THINGS WERE MEANT TO BE SHARED. GOD GAVE TO ADAM, EVE, SO HE COULD SHARE THE FRUITFUL, BEAUTIFUL GARDEN WITH HER. SEE?

I SKIP IN PUBLIC SHAMELESSLY, AS YOU MIGHT HAVE SAID IT. WELL, I WANT TO. IT IS MY FREEDOM AS A CITIZEN. MY LEGAL AUTONOMY. SUE ME IF YOU HAVE THE MONEY AND LACK THE MATURITY. GO. SUE ME FOR EVERY POSSIBLE MOVE I MAKE. HAVEN'T YOU ALREADY ATTESTED TO YOUR CRONIES AND NON-BELIEVERS?

CHILDREN SKIP WHEN THEY ARE HAPPY. FORGIVE ME FOR INDULGING IN ALL CHILDLIKE JOY, EVERY EXCUSE TO BE HAPPY, THAT YOU HAVE BEEN DEPRIVED OF. MAYBE THAT IS WHY YOU ARE ALWAYS SO FULL OF REMORSE AND MALICE. FORGIVE ME FOR TRYING TO CHEER MYSELF UP. WHOSOEVER SAID I CAN'T MAKE THE SUN SHINE FOR ME? OR AT LEAST TRY TO?

THAT, IS THE LEAST OF HOW YOU HAVE WRONGED ME. AND YES I AM IN DRAMA BECAUSE I LOVE ATTENTION LIKE THIS. IT'S HEALTHY ATTENTION THAT MAKES ME MORE CONFIDENT OF MYSELF, PLAYING A ROLE THAT MOST HAVE NEVER COME INTO CONTACT WITH, SPEAKING WHEN IN CHARACTER WHEN I AM CRIPPLED IN PERSON.

I'm a diva like this. I'm a self-professed drama queen. I couldn't keep my emotions in before.

Thank God... you have always failed in dragging souls into your bottomless pit. You, have made us stronger, You, have brought us together. You, have made us fighters.

Reverse psychology? You bet.

Of course, you can't do all that. Don't give yourself so much credit, we all have lives that preferably include other obstacles.

You and your cronies. You and everyone like you.

Speak if you would. Nobody has ever spammed me in a negative fashion, and I don't see why they should. If they do, all I can say is, idiots refute all reason.

That is, beyond the scope of me apologising for mistakes I've made, of course.

You have silenced me for so long.

Today, I will silence you. Maybe not. He who is in the heavens and on earth shall pass judgement.

I am imperfect, hence my following statements...

Oh, I've learnt this in Spanish class:

Estupido. Loco. Idiota.

And this from the TIME magazine on how Indians feel after terrorists bombed Mumbai:

SCREW YOU.

I shall now enjoy this triumph of mine, bask in all the attention my diva-ish self so hungrily feeds on.

I need to get my act together.

Thank God I'm still not as busy as my friends' in SP/other polys' courses. Or JC.

Thank God I didn't go to JC. It's not for me, an A levels' cert is not worth what JC students cough up. Well, that's just me. Of course poly's gonna get tougher than the honeymoon I'm in now, but yeah.

I'm still a good girl, I pay attention when I have to, the homework (or am going to get to that), extra reading (not a lot on psych/lifespan/applied drama yet), do my fair share of work in presentations, agonise with my group mates over choosing to use applied drama to teach Science, am still complaining (but not that much, and doing it for the sake of amusement), sharing unbroached topics with a bunch of people I've known for only 3 weeks...

Damn I'm getting bolder by the day. Refreshing as rain over the southwestern desert, where parched earth melts away and cacti blossom. For someone who's been in so many shells (not to say I'm not in one now...), at least those that do me more harm than good, it's... it's...

Breathtaking.

I love being a part of this world. This is my reality now, the way I choose it to be. It's a delicate balance, in tandem with other worlds. We're on one planet, but on the expanse of blue, white, green and surprising man-made brown, there are many more worlds than we know of. Geography reminds me of how I constantly failed at that dumb textbook munching subject, mostly because my sense of direction was (and still is) atrocious.

Okay that's not the point. I've dropped Geog since Sec 2 and can navigate better in Shakespeare's crummy elizabethan speak and sexual tendencies in his plays. Oh my. So anyway, I'd like to think of myself as having a different view. I will go the other way with a compass, no matter where you put me, but if I were to test you my way, you'd be lost halfway through my question.

On hindsight, that probably explains why I'm a difficult person.

Thinking planet Earth... the Himalayas, Amazon, Mongolian Steppes, Northern Lights, Antarctic.

Narrowing down... Singapore City, indigneous Maori and Inuit, Moscow, Arizona, Brussels.

In detail... Mexican drug cartels, North Korea's showcase Pyongyang, Bullfighting rings in Spain, Cherry Blossoms in full bloom in Japan and Washington, Chinese New Year in Shanghai.

Zoom... An old lady getting mugged in London's mean streets, wageslaves on the Shinkansen, rubbing noses in Africa, Mas Selamat's capture, I step on chewing gum even though it's banned in Singapore.

More... She goes home fearful for the night, they are exhausted and trapped on the cycle, they are pleased and they flash an endearing smile, Home Team resuscitated in the cynical public's image, and guess what? I'm bloddy pissed. For once I'm glad they banned chewing gum cos sods like the jerk who glued the masticated piece of rubber with his spit to the ground ought to have chewing gum stuck to his nose.

Snap! She thinks about her son who is far away in the U.S, they have a reputation and a living to eke out, they are getting married, we are relieved, and now I'm sitting here, telling you all this. Is it realistic? Why not?

That camera-zoom and focus is to illustrate how there are worlds beyond ours. Of course, how you define 'world' is another matter. Makes me think about how everyone's got their own lives and, we're not so much living in seclusion, even if we want to be. One way or other, you're not really a hermit because your world (let's say you are one living in the mountains) is still in contact with nature. The valleys, the sun, the crazy altitude. Adapting in limbo. The earth shakes as if to scratch and shake off a pesky flea as a dog would. More subtle changes like rock wearing away to nothing also makes an impact. Now, you're living on a mountain. So when the earth speaks, you still respond. Do you move to a different spot with a easier access to a water source?

Damn I sound like a tree-hugging hippie now, but ever since Claire spoke of the idea of how when every muscle and nerve of our body is connected, anything out of place would disrupt the system. In a disruption, it can be as mild as your voice sounding funny... or as bad as getting lung cancer. Your conscious, subconscious and unconscious are a system of their own and in each other...

Everything that shapes you physically, mentally and spiritually.

Organs in your body.

Body in skin.

Blood in passage.

Person in comfort of home.

Person in need.

Person has freedom to give as much as he likes.

Person has friends and family and acquaintances.

Person has status.

Person has different priorities.

Person who goes to church on Sundays.

Person who has aspirations.

Person who is an inspiration.

Person who makes the world a better place.

Person who knows of other persons and how they too have this and more that you are not aware of.


See? I made good use of my holiday.

My world is no longer resistant to change but it doesn't always have to enjoy it. Flexible, tolerating, self-discovering, patient, tearing off hair at ends, laughing at every possible moment, a dose of freedom. It is letting go, especially of hatred. It still trusts, but not so blindly because it wears spectacles now. It's a world of quirky contrast, a paradigm and unashamed silliness. Oh and it's aware and should be allowed moments of drama that makes no sense at all.

Okay I should stop now. This post isn't getting any better.

Writing has been so thereupathic. I'm still obsessing over how everything can be one step closer to perfect. In the end, it's still trial and error. It got me to this stage of writing (this still isn't very good), it got me to finding true friends, and realising what is it that I really cannot stand.

I digress. There's a lot on my mind lately, but not enough to lock me away.

Oh gosh. My world has to go study other worlds now... Psychology and Lifespan Psychology. Freud is sexually obsessed. I totally digressed again.

Just to let you know, I've been beginning to read novels again, at least 30 minutes a day. People just don't update good blogs very often because they have lives. I take Spanish classes and I've joined Theatre Compass! Drama Olé!

Recently, instead of doing some really hardcore studying, I'm just adjusting, having fun and tying up the loose ends about myself. I know I'll have to continue the path to never-ever self-actualisation while studying, but hey. I've nearly lost my mind before, so all that work half a year fixing what I screwed up is worth it.

Well, today, I'm in SP studying Applied Drama and Psychology. I'd rather be stressed by Drama in Education than PW. Bugged by juggling the terms in Learning (Psych) than O level Math. This is the choice I made. For I have never had this much conviction and control, I'm not about to waste it.

3 weeks into school, I have yet to regret. I'm not about to do so, be it 3 weeks or 3 years.

identity-finder, half-thinker, thought-translater, life-pacer, adversary-fighter, grown-wiser, subtle-humour, nail-biter, indulgent-appreciator, pragmatic-dreamer, irony-murdered, unglamourous-puss, rocket-bunny

october 1st, sixteen, libran, singapore, tutor, christian, student, daughter, sister, friend, writer, artist, teenager, life, love

corny in a paradigm where sense and non sequiturs go together, taking it in like vanilla ice cream on a banana split, or sand on a boot. whichever goes.

Adelina Anjelica Cassandra Clarissa Daniel Esther E-von Geraldine Hairil HongWei Huiyi Jasmin Jasmine Jay Joseph Kenneth Marlyna Mythili Nadrah Samuel Sharon Sisi Shawn Stephanie Szeyuan Tivona YongQuan SHAKIRA Bare Feet JSS ELDDS

intricate-archiver

credit-or