It's been 3 official days of school.

I'm doing this to track my progress. Okay, quite sure I'll be loving what I'm gonna learn, yet somehow be driven mad at the same time. Nothing new.

Gonna need all the help I can get. Can safely say I'm ready for the real work. Honestly, I'll never get people who have to go to class, and realise that they don't want to do anything and just wanna be stuck at home for the next few years or so. The holidays were meant for you to do some prepping, not dread the coming days. It's like.. wasting your holiday and the past 5 months away.

Course
Lessons
Lecturers
Director

Sucks to have a lot on your mind at times. It silences you on the outside, and it won't stop talking on the inside. So yes, from the time orientation ended, it's happened.

Such is seeing things clearer than before, but feeling daunted by everything you see. Total teenagerdom. I guess that's why E-von said adolescence is the most troubling time of your life, cuz it's a time you have to give yourself a definition, an identity. Some of us struggle, some of us breeze through it with uh, blissful ignorance.

Again I find myself walking the line. I've been at this so many times already, but why am I so hesitant now? I'm functioning very well with say, only one person, or two other people. Shitz, gotta figure this out. Is it but an irrational fear? Part of me fear being judged, among other things, you are only really lonely when you feel alone in a big group.

Well as much as I'm studying psychology, all this... and the environmental factors, social cues, prejudices... I wonder if I'll actually be self-actualised. (No way Jose.)

Now, I'm just feeling bad I couldn't comprehend how Hongwei felt before, so I wasn't of much help. Sorry dude... gonna try my best anyway, with what I know.

At least I'm quite sure of God's instructions for me now... well only the ones I'm picking up.

I'm hiking where the road is long, the mountain high, the terrain treacherous.

Have I grown up too fast? Well, if I were to assess myself, it's in my nature and experience that I had to, for foolishness leads to demise. You'd be laughing at how rosy my world in an oyster used to be, and yet it still is.

Sometimes I don't get teenage emoness, it puts me off, yet somehow I understand it, I do it myself, I discourage it, I encourage expression, what a place to be.

And would you think I'm emo now?

Guess what, I refuse to be labelled as that right now. It is not a suitable description for this under-control mess in my head. I'm coping well. I have all the support I need. It's really just a matter of who's on the inside, and who's on the outside.

Note: Am only really emo when it's that time of the month. Emo means unnecessarily, unexplainably, nonsensical, unwarranted sadness. To think it's such a misnomer at times, simply because there's no other way teenage minds can express it.


On a different note... here's my take.

To all teens out there who keep complaining your life is boring.. I totally agree with Hon Beng (excellent director). My teenage life has never been unexciting, simply because I choose to make it not so.

Things don't always happen to you, but you can make sure they do.

So much for complaing life is "sian." and "more sian."

GET OUT THERE. THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD WAITING.

For you? Not necessarily.

No matter how much I've screwed up my life before, it's so much better than to just ... sit back and do nothing. Nothingness leads to more nothingness. At least what you do is a result of your actions, not a result of inaction. Trial and error. When you get there, it will be the second most beautiful place to be, the first being Heaven. The ardous journey would sometimes prove unbearable, but you've got to stop and smell the roses and the stinky friends who have always been with you, persisting with you til the end. Partner-in-crime or fellow crimefighters, give them the credit they deserve.

For every wound, there's a salve. Sometimes when you do something as silly as say, when you cut your finger, there might be someone to kiss where it hurts. It doesn't take the pain away, oh, but pain is more pleasurable like this. Okay I'm not masochistic/sadistic or anything, but really... knowing that they are there for you to cushion a fall, it's worth the fall.

God is good to me. Amen to that, continously. I might not be as 'fortunate' to get away with some things in life (hey, He's not responsible for THAT), but He makes sure I'm clothed, fed, studying, sane and living a meaningful life.

Oh, for when your eyes are opened, you won't like everything you see, granted. Just as we're told to live life the age we are, it doesn't mean we should stop believing in some worthy cause as a child should. Sincerity is still a virtue. The world needs a little bit of you. Guess what, as faith, love and trust are interlinked, eventually, imperfections are more beautiful than when you have initially perceived them to be.

Good, that's out of my system.

Could've wrote this one better... oh well. *publish*

Labels: Answers, Pondering

I'm feeling like a little bit of inspiration...

Put me in your backpack

Together we will

We can

Travel the world,

You and I.

Catch a falling one and

Put into your pocket,

Never let it fade away.

For every apple that falls,

Enlightenment it bestows.

Wisdom pertaining to

The mysteries of life

We hold in our hand.

The less we know the better?

I beg to differ.

Putting in that little bit of

Inspiration

Comes forth a pouring rapid;

Mona Lisa, Oliver Twist and the Moonwalk.

Relativity, Plato and everything that goes BOOM!

No matter what the motivation

No matter what the circumstances

No matter what the consequences

What all of us need

Is that little bit.

It's here somewhere,

but I'm such a scatterbrain,

I've think i've lost it.

Eluded sight,

Memory and pleading

Left in all that confusion and urgency.

Oh wait,

I remember now.

It's in my backpack.

At the back of my mind,

In the boot of my car,

In Picasso's paintings,

Uh,

It's black and white,

Colours more vivid than light.

Lost in time travel,

Bending all of space and physical laws.

For a song, my song,

But for nothing else in the world,

My little bit of

Inspiration.

I am esctatic.

Now... I can get to work

Fluid as the Magdalena,

Beauty unsurpassed,

No constellation outshines it,

My muse returns.

Heralding my next invention,

The next song I will write,

The greatest discovery to be made.

How to placate a fuming woman,

How to bring peace to the Middle East.

I looked for you up and down,

Earth, heaven and my heaven.

Now I found you.

All because I started,

Looking in my backpack,

Where I put it,

And there it shall always be,

My little bit of

Inspiration.

Labels: Pieces

This is gonna be a short post to end my writer's block. Decipher if you must, though it's confusing me too. Or, let the words flow as music would in a private studio at night.

*****

Disillusion is caused by illusion. Who really gives birth to ambiguity?

Philosophers, questionable sub-species of Homo Sapiens. She hears silence and nothing else, but he is audience to a riot. You seek, hence I question. I seek, but you question more. You are my answer. What's yours?

My love for you spans across languages. Even, if I were blessed with the gift of the Babelfish, infinite vocabulary and beyond would never suffice for a song for you and of you. So, I never write poetry.

*****

Yesterday she was here. She hardly faltered. She pries into my visually, logically helpless head. 2 hours of working at that damned thing. Her work was eventually rewarded, but she doesn't know. Grace, amazing Grace.

Closer to today than yesterday, You were here. You never faltered. You, Omniscient One, saw me. A lifetime of eternity working at that damned thing. Your work is rewarded in the past, present and future tenses. I bet You know it too. Lord, Grace, my Amazing Grace.

In fact, you'd happen sooner, a step faster than the next second, a leap before tomorrow.

*****

Is there no justice in this world? I tremble in fear and anticipation of my thoughts. I am their mistress, but I am also at the mercy of my mind.

Life imitating art imitating life. I slipped. I'd rather live in art, or so I thought. Catch you in the next production or the painting next door.

Laugh if you must. And laugh they did. For every vibration that comes from resonating laughter, I understand that your criticism, aurally, needs no Simon Cowell.

Pain ranges from a ticklish scab to a searing scald.

Lingua franca, inane failure! Many tongues in one universal speech, but nobody understands the other, since the beginning of the end of the Tower. Unfortunately, nobody ever minds their own business anymore.

We have nothing more to fear than fear itself. Wait, isn't fear a product of fear?

*****

I choose to be aware. I choose to listen. I choose a path out of Fear.

I became aware, a welcome visitor stays in my heart. I listened, His voice louder than all depressing distractions. I chose Peace.

A carnival inside of me. One that is more colourful, louder, livelier and more celebration than Mardi Gras and Barranquilla put together.

I was colour-blind, deaf, bedridden and an overstayer at the psychiatrist.

From Peace onwards, You changed it all.

*****

Love, in all I see. Love... love... words elude me. Who invented this wondrous entity? I must personally shake His hand.

Love is an overpowering emotion that seeps into you as water would a sponge. I want to be the second most emotional person in the world.

I'd let You and you, be the most emotional.

*****

LIFE! is art itself. This is my conclusion, my theory of relativity. Never seperate. There is art in life, and life in art. My dear I shall never stumble when I put on my glasses.

*****

From 1.15 Am to 1.50 Am, from 1.50 Am to 1.15 Pm, 1.15 Pm to 1.50 Pm, 1.50 Pm to 1,15 Am, so on and so forth. My mind centres around You.

You who gave birth to all from the beginning, O Creator. Apparently, You're also the maker of my beginnings.

Eventually, my ends.

Maybe for You there is no concept of Time, only Beginning, In Between and End.

I still have to live in the human world, so in everything I do,

I'll go full circle for You.

*****

Labels: Pieces

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october 1st, sixteen, libran, singapore, tutor, christian, student, daughter, sister, friend, writer, artist, teenager, life, love

corny in a paradigm where sense and non sequiturs go together, taking it in like vanilla ice cream on a banana split, or sand on a boot. whichever goes.

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