It's been 3 official days of school.

I'm doing this to track my progress. Okay, quite sure I'll be loving what I'm gonna learn, yet somehow be driven mad at the same time. Nothing new.

Gonna need all the help I can get. Can safely say I'm ready for the real work. Honestly, I'll never get people who have to go to class, and realise that they don't want to do anything and just wanna be stuck at home for the next few years or so. The holidays were meant for you to do some prepping, not dread the coming days. It's like.. wasting your holiday and the past 5 months away.

Course
Lessons
Lecturers
Director

Sucks to have a lot on your mind at times. It silences you on the outside, and it won't stop talking on the inside. So yes, from the time orientation ended, it's happened.

Such is seeing things clearer than before, but feeling daunted by everything you see. Total teenagerdom. I guess that's why E-von said adolescence is the most troubling time of your life, cuz it's a time you have to give yourself a definition, an identity. Some of us struggle, some of us breeze through it with uh, blissful ignorance.

Again I find myself walking the line. I've been at this so many times already, but why am I so hesitant now? I'm functioning very well with say, only one person, or two other people. Shitz, gotta figure this out. Is it but an irrational fear? Part of me fear being judged, among other things, you are only really lonely when you feel alone in a big group.

Well as much as I'm studying psychology, all this... and the environmental factors, social cues, prejudices... I wonder if I'll actually be self-actualised. (No way Jose.)

Now, I'm just feeling bad I couldn't comprehend how Hongwei felt before, so I wasn't of much help. Sorry dude... gonna try my best anyway, with what I know.

At least I'm quite sure of God's instructions for me now... well only the ones I'm picking up.

I'm hiking where the road is long, the mountain high, the terrain treacherous.

Have I grown up too fast? Well, if I were to assess myself, it's in my nature and experience that I had to, for foolishness leads to demise. You'd be laughing at how rosy my world in an oyster used to be, and yet it still is.

Sometimes I don't get teenage emoness, it puts me off, yet somehow I understand it, I do it myself, I discourage it, I encourage expression, what a place to be.

And would you think I'm emo now?

Guess what, I refuse to be labelled as that right now. It is not a suitable description for this under-control mess in my head. I'm coping well. I have all the support I need. It's really just a matter of who's on the inside, and who's on the outside.

Note: Am only really emo when it's that time of the month. Emo means unnecessarily, unexplainably, nonsensical, unwarranted sadness. To think it's such a misnomer at times, simply because there's no other way teenage minds can express it.


On a different note... here's my take.

To all teens out there who keep complaining your life is boring.. I totally agree with Hon Beng (excellent director). My teenage life has never been unexciting, simply because I choose to make it not so.

Things don't always happen to you, but you can make sure they do.

So much for complaing life is "sian." and "more sian."

GET OUT THERE. THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD WAITING.

For you? Not necessarily.

No matter how much I've screwed up my life before, it's so much better than to just ... sit back and do nothing. Nothingness leads to more nothingness. At least what you do is a result of your actions, not a result of inaction. Trial and error. When you get there, it will be the second most beautiful place to be, the first being Heaven. The ardous journey would sometimes prove unbearable, but you've got to stop and smell the roses and the stinky friends who have always been with you, persisting with you til the end. Partner-in-crime or fellow crimefighters, give them the credit they deserve.

For every wound, there's a salve. Sometimes when you do something as silly as say, when you cut your finger, there might be someone to kiss where it hurts. It doesn't take the pain away, oh, but pain is more pleasurable like this. Okay I'm not masochistic/sadistic or anything, but really... knowing that they are there for you to cushion a fall, it's worth the fall.

God is good to me. Amen to that, continously. I might not be as 'fortunate' to get away with some things in life (hey, He's not responsible for THAT), but He makes sure I'm clothed, fed, studying, sane and living a meaningful life.

Oh, for when your eyes are opened, you won't like everything you see, granted. Just as we're told to live life the age we are, it doesn't mean we should stop believing in some worthy cause as a child should. Sincerity is still a virtue. The world needs a little bit of you. Guess what, as faith, love and trust are interlinked, eventually, imperfections are more beautiful than when you have initially perceived them to be.

Good, that's out of my system.

Could've wrote this one better... oh well. *publish*

Labels: Answers, Pondering

To Sec 4 grads, pretty sure you've been flooded with poly ad mails.

Heh, and somehow, on every issue and/or cover, there's always a cheerleader in all her short-skirt, midriff, pom-pom exposing glory. Mmm, people who create those ads sure know how to market.

Come to X Poly and you get a once-in-a-lifetime-never-seen-in-secondary-school chance to look at preppy girls in tiny outfits very happy that you're looking at them.

Okayokay, anyway, the results have been getting me down. When I think of it, I experience physical side effects like a funny tummy and loss of appetite. No nightmares, my brain only chooses to dream about irrelevant things.

Besides the fact that I'm itching all over from a sunburn and apparently no bath, I'm just glad that I'm able to wake up on Sundays at 7.30-40. Strangely how on every other day I'll make animal noises if I'm woken up before I choose to wake up, which can range from 8 (rarely) to 12.3o AM.

So there's nothing like welcoming the new year by going to church regularly and exploring YMM and the lovely people (one of whom enjoys ties adorned with adorable porcupines), oooh and taking the first steps to spiritual growth.

Reminders...

If logistics, Pastor Tim and God allows, the lovely Aunty Michelle will be my mentor after the seminar, then we'll do basic Bible and navigational study and I'll be plopped into a cell group. Apparently, I'm s'posed to move on from there alone since I'll have the basic skills and then comes everything else I'm supposed to do.

Okay, dinner! Update about today's, interesting service later.

Labels: Pondering, To-do list, WhatcausesJoy

Ooh la la! Not going back to school yesterday - totally awesome. neh-neh-neh-neh-neh-neh.

For all sec 4s this year, no complaining. We finished our prison term so we deserve to shake our asses about it. Plus, I believed we had more on our plates. Believe that.

I still woke up at 6.10 though, which is silly. Then, I woke up my brother (WHO HAS TO GO TO SCHOOL so I'm doing him a favour). Only woke up myself cos I had a tummyache. Then, I felt a strange urge to go down to the bus stop and laugh at people who have to catch the bus to go to school.

mmmm even better when I'm catching the bus to go someplace fun.

Aherm, we all have moments. Mine just comes in a quick, articulate outburst.

Okay enough rubbing it in. I don't get to do this, usually. :P

Mmm if its a solution you need, numb the feeling of going back to school and having work to do, and try to get it over with as fast as possible, give your plate as little as you can and give it all a spoonful of sugar.

Occasionally, scream into a pillow and ensure that you clear your head (for the sake of sanity) and make yourself happy (without harming anybody), as fulfilled as possible, talk to someone, live your life, do what you gotta do.

Hehs, now that I think of it, I think its true that more people read your blog than you are aware of.

1) People that like you and wanna check you out,

2) People that admire your literary aspirations and successes or your pictures that are worth a thousand words or the great intelligence poured forth from a passing thought, or

3) People who don't like you and find your day-to-day activities or the slightest occasional brain activity amusing.

So... now I have two sets of swimming slippers and a set of home slippers. Yay for shoes indoors.

The last quote of the day: You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

- Mandy from Grim adventures of Billy and Mandy.

If you wanna know, its a creepy, gross cartoon (episode where Billy jumped into Mandy's head and made her do stupid things like rolling in the mud and kiss her parents (Mandy is evil and probably doesn't care for her parents), smile (she never smiles) and of course, pick her nose.)

Labels: Pondering

Houston, we have a problem.


Haha, did you watch this cartoon... astronaut says that line and people at the control station are like: Always problem, problem, problem. Don't you ever call to say hi?!

(NASA is in Houston btw)


This is to all my friends with problems with your daddies and/or mummies:

(okay forget that, sounds wannabe. its like: this is out to all my girls who suffered a broken heart. let's annihilate the XYs once and for all)


Anyway, back to the point, parents are parents. They read your blog and get mad about it, they accuse you of the most ridiculous ... accusations, they are really prickly when it comes to bedtime, they lied when they said after O levels can stay up all you want, they are terrible drivers, they emotionally scar and traumatise you, ....



and they think it's okay.


Damn did I make it worse? Alright, damage control.

With a bit of Jun Hong's 4 points ...

1. S'pore is small, therefore competitive. Kiasu parents.

2. Different era. Parents more protective cos they don't want you to suffer like they did.

3. Different era. They don't understand you and vice versa cos they were brought up differently.

4. (Sorry I can't remb the 4th one...i'll make this one up) They are parents.


Well, I won't be of much help since I don't know how to help myself much on this one.

1.Talk to them and 2. do whatchu gotta do.


Well, think of this, I'm very sure, one day.. many many years from now... you'll be telling yo'mama:

Look ma! Top the world!


Over and out (okay that line is just... cya later, alligator. lame and acting cool)

Labels: Answers, Pondering

I can be so inattentive when I cook. Rice turns out.. yucky.

I know, how much can you mess up making rice???

It gets all clumpy and feels uncooked, which is bad when it's meant to be porridge.

Okay enough of the porridge-talk. It's time for a deeper post other than my "frivolous" activities.

A crappy take on serious .. things:

From a conversation yesterday before sleepytime with Smarties, it did make me wonder if at some point in our lives, all humans would have attempted to seek something beyond our earthly grasp. Not necessarily succeeding, but attempting, and questioning the existence of a higher power.

Hence, religions, agnostics, atheists, free thinkers. Since they have at some point pondered the question itself, they would've picked a belief, not necessarily religious. More of formed an opinion of the world, the otherworld and how it all works.

Then of course, for every person who puts forward a point of view, there would be many challenging it, that are by reason not too incoherent.

Then again, it's called faith yo. Faith with reason hardly makes any sense to non-believers of any kind, whereas a believer would probably find that it makes all the sense in the world, and if it didn't (because of our limited experience and knowledge), how strange is it that they still believe in it.

Self-delusion or divine intervention?

Sidenote: This is why I'd rather not read anymore materials that challenge any point of view. It's like, we all know (common knowledge) we don't know everything (aka not omniscient), and by insisting that somebody doesn't know everything because he doesn't know the things you know (arguing that one point of view is false or incoherent), it seems to say you know everything from the things you already know (your limited knowledge), thus you are challenging the knowledge (that we all know) that we don't know everything (biting yourself in the ass).

HEHE, just say the whole paragraph without the brackets.

Of course, this is just one point of view if we take into consideration we don't possess all knowledge as of now. Some of us might choose to believe that we'll know in due time, but the irony is well... a bit of a headache. Cos we don't know everything now, how do we know if we'll know everything in the future?

If the serious crap (oxymoron alert) I'm talking is confusing you, you can stop now haha.

So anyway, I shall state my stand in a world of differing views. Being a Christian, of course you'll know what I believe in (duh). Not too complicated to know the basics of the basics.

Therefore, I believe that there is indeed a higher power. A 3-in-1 that is. (well it makes the concept a lot easier to understand, and don't mistake it with coffee).

Like every other Christian, in all innocence, I do seek connection with God. Which brings me to this: How am I going to do that?

Not like I have an answer of course, this blog poses more questions than answers, more opinions (sometimes emotional) than facts (then again, what's a fact? Until someone can prove that Newton's laws are false, we take them as it is, yes? And everyone studies them til their eyeballs drop out and one day they decide that "oh sorray, some genius proved centuries of Physics wrong" then we gotta re-study everything. Of course, this is just an anachronistic setting).

Mmmm, well the last time it was a nice, reassuring, engulfing warmth that took away all my troubles and made everything more beautiful than I had noticed before, like a mother's touch, but more surreal and having a strange otherworldly quality. The stresses of the world melted away like butter on hot toast, leaving a delightful aftertaste and a more confident corn.

The air was pretty still but for that to happen, I seriously doubt it was self-delusion because for the people who might argue I was feeling warm cos it was a night with still air, it's a little hard to explain how a rise in temperature (that I felt) could give me so much security and reassurance. A psychological working of it's own? I doubt it too, I can't manipulate my body and mind like that, and as far as I know, I've only done it in a negative way.

Perhaps that is how it's going to be done for me. If He comes in ways that we are most receptive to... of course to only selected people, I suppose it's going to be how I'll be spoken to. Not say, in a dream (I have weird dreams), an audible voice (that could freak me out, so no. I'll think I'm hearing things), a chorus of angels (dramatic seh), a moment of realisation (okay maybe).

Well I guess that warmth works best for me, because for the proceeding months, I kept that experience in mind, knowing that I was definitely safe and taken care of. Which was what I need, and I was able to withstand any challenges to my adversaries and doubts of that experience.

Smarties might be of the prophetic kind, Steph might have dreams that she was so sure it was more than something her brain was capable of ... for me,

I'll believe it when I feel it.

Time for some card-making and Ruffles.

Labels: Pondering

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