Wednesday, April 22, 2009

It's been 3 official days of school.

I'm doing this to track my progress. Okay, quite sure I'll be loving what I'm gonna learn, yet somehow be driven mad at the same time. Nothing new.

Gonna need all the help I can get. Can safely say I'm ready for the real work. Honestly, I'll never get people who have to go to class, and realise that they don't want to do anything and just wanna be stuck at home for the next few years or so. The holidays were meant for you to do some prepping, not dread the coming days. It's like.. wasting your holiday and the past 5 months away.

Course
Lessons
Lecturers
Director

Sucks to have a lot on your mind at times. It silences you on the outside, and it won't stop talking on the inside. So yes, from the time orientation ended, it's happened.

Such is seeing things clearer than before, but feeling daunted by everything you see. Total teenagerdom. I guess that's why E-von said adolescence is the most troubling time of your life, cuz it's a time you have to give yourself a definition, an identity. Some of us struggle, some of us breeze through it with uh, blissful ignorance.

Again I find myself walking the line. I've been at this so many times already, but why am I so hesitant now? I'm functioning very well with say, only one person, or two other people. Shitz, gotta figure this out. Is it but an irrational fear? Part of me fear being judged, among other things, you are only really lonely when you feel alone in a big group.

Well as much as I'm studying psychology, all this... and the environmental factors, social cues, prejudices... I wonder if I'll actually be self-actualised. (No way Jose.)

Now, I'm just feeling bad I couldn't comprehend how Hongwei felt before, so I wasn't of much help. Sorry dude... gonna try my best anyway, with what I know.

At least I'm quite sure of God's instructions for me now... well only the ones I'm picking up.

I'm hiking where the road is long, the mountain high, the terrain treacherous.

Have I grown up too fast? Well, if I were to assess myself, it's in my nature and experience that I had to, for foolishness leads to demise. You'd be laughing at how rosy my world in an oyster used to be, and yet it still is.

Sometimes I don't get teenage emoness, it puts me off, yet somehow I understand it, I do it myself, I discourage it, I encourage expression, what a place to be.

And would you think I'm emo now?

Guess what, I refuse to be labelled as that right now. It is not a suitable description for this under-control mess in my head. I'm coping well. I have all the support I need. It's really just a matter of who's on the inside, and who's on the outside.

Note: Am only really emo when it's that time of the month. Emo means unnecessarily, unexplainably, nonsensical, unwarranted sadness. To think it's such a misnomer at times, simply because there's no other way teenage minds can express it.


On a different note... here's my take.

To all teens out there who keep complaining your life is boring.. I totally agree with Hon Beng (excellent director). My teenage life has never been unexciting, simply because I choose to make it not so.

Things don't always happen to you, but you can make sure they do.

So much for complaing life is "sian." and "more sian."

GET OUT THERE. THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD WAITING.

For you? Not necessarily.

No matter how much I've screwed up my life before, it's so much better than to just ... sit back and do nothing. Nothingness leads to more nothingness. At least what you do is a result of your actions, not a result of inaction. Trial and error. When you get there, it will be the second most beautiful place to be, the first being Heaven. The ardous journey would sometimes prove unbearable, but you've got to stop and smell the roses and the stinky friends who have always been with you, persisting with you til the end. Partner-in-crime or fellow crimefighters, give them the credit they deserve.

For every wound, there's a salve. Sometimes when you do something as silly as say, when you cut your finger, there might be someone to kiss where it hurts. It doesn't take the pain away, oh, but pain is more pleasurable like this. Okay I'm not masochistic/sadistic or anything, but really... knowing that they are there for you to cushion a fall, it's worth the fall.

God is good to me. Amen to that, continously. I might not be as 'fortunate' to get away with some things in life (hey, He's not responsible for THAT), but He makes sure I'm clothed, fed, studying, sane and living a meaningful life.

Oh, for when your eyes are opened, you won't like everything you see, granted. Just as we're told to live life the age we are, it doesn't mean we should stop believing in some worthy cause as a child should. Sincerity is still a virtue. The world needs a little bit of you. Guess what, as faith, love and trust are interlinked, eventually, imperfections are more beautiful than when you have initially perceived them to be.

Good, that's out of my system.

Could've wrote this one better... oh well. *publish*

Labels: Answers, Pondering

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