Wednesday, May 13, 2009

This post won't have much structure.


I'm going to try to update regularly. Feed off my writing bug. It's annoying how persistence and inspiration to write or study comes like, at 1130 when I'm supposed to be in bed. Hence, I'm never in bed early.

Well, to all who stereotype poly life as "slack", I suppose you're gonna have to eat crap, or your words, whichever. Now if you know me, you'd understand I'd be sniggering when I say this ;)

Poor Samuel's up to his neck in poly work, and so are some unfortunate souls that I'd rather not know of.

Maybe the real work hasn't come yet. All the crazy schedules and all...

Maybe the real work involves work that you can't see, like actually needing to study your ass off when they don't give you too much work.

Maybe I'm just not feeling so much pressure cuz of the JSS experience (which is everything but the Beyonce experience. Haha if only life was as easy, pleasurable if you want, as watching her unwaveringly shake her booty).

Maybe it is the patience that God has given me... or the patience that I have impatiently waited for God to give me.

I'm not that flustered. I'm very much in control of my own emotions, even though it's that time of the month. No PMS, just a little quieter than usual, quite comfortable with lounging in the background. I'm not particularly pissed when people keep asking me the same questions.

I feel the need to talk about this... porque, I'm crankier than your grandma when she can't find her dentures. On a bad day, the aftermath will look like Mount Vesuvius' exploded. Blood. Lava in a pot of negative emotions, trauma and pretty much nothing left of the tiny settlement at the foot of the volcano.



I need to sleep early. Or earlier. Gawd, it just so happens that my mind's in its most contemplative at this time of the night.


Poly life is okay, for me that is. Having CASS on the "mountain" (ouch!) ensures that you'll get a workout going around campus. Oh well.


I guess I'm not gonna join any other CCAs. Oh to fend off claims that I have been attention-seeking (not in SP though, thank God), I'm finally gonna talk about this.

Well, as much as I still do self-deprecating humour and laugh at my screw-ups a lot, I'm proud to say I'm not afraid to laugh at myself. I can totally parody Constance. Wanna see? So now I'm gonna say, boy am I a bit of a loser to ramble about some fault in the past that has probably forgotten about this by now. No. The hurt went beyond the exterior.

In the words of goth girl Janice when she lashed at Cady in the car that turned around the bend,

"You're a mean girl!"


I feel so ashamed. Yet I'm more than ever shameless. I wouldn't have addressed it like this in the past. And on a public space. At least not making it obvious enough that it (you hear me, IT) is a female (the more diabolical of the homos sapiens) and from my past, in a wretched present and self-imposed gloom-and-doom future.

Sometimes, I feel more sympathy than hatred and ridicule for you.

How is it true that you can do this. Are you the antagoniser, or the representation of my conflicts? I believe, both.

Oh how you give my insecurities and terrestial foes a face.

A dog-like face. Then again, it would be an insult to dogs.


First and foremost, yes to some extent, aren't we all attention seeking?

Could you, in all the honesty you have left in that little primordial skull, accede that in a bid to seek attention by creating negative attention and then directing it to so many others, you yourself, have given the game away? Yet, you are ever so unaware.

Aww, you don't even bother to give me ingratiating smiles. What a pity.

I'm just speaking to the past I guess... I don't even know where you are right now, whose life you're attempting (you've never succeeded) to ruin. Or maybe, time and maturity would make a direct correlation.

Oh well, in every high school drama, we all need an antagoniser. How cleverly you've played your role. Ooh did I mention that, somehow, statistics also show that 95% of the people you know will also fail to understand why he or she is your antagoniser and assume that you've lost it. Well I did lose it, but that's besides the point.

Guess what hun?

I am attention seeking.

YES I AM ATTENTION SEEKING.

LOOK AT ME!

I HAVE THIS BLOG. THIS IS MY SPACE TO TALK AS AND WHEN I LIKE IT. I WILL SAY THINGS I WILL REGRET BUT SCREWING UP IS A PART OF LIFE THAT I'M READY TO ACCEPT.

I HAVE THIS BLOG ALSO TO GARNER READERS. I FEEL HONOURED THAT PEOPLE READ. I'M NOT AFRAID TO SPEAK. I WON'T CENSOR MYELF THE WAY I USED TO DO. I WANT TO SHARE EVERYTHING I'M PASSABLY GIFTED (YAY GOD!) AT WITH THE WORLD, BECAUSE GOOD THINGS WERE MEANT TO BE SHARED. GOD GAVE TO ADAM, EVE, SO HE COULD SHARE THE FRUITFUL, BEAUTIFUL GARDEN WITH HER. SEE?

I SKIP IN PUBLIC SHAMELESSLY, AS YOU MIGHT HAVE SAID IT. WELL, I WANT TO. IT IS MY FREEDOM AS A CITIZEN. MY LEGAL AUTONOMY. SUE ME IF YOU HAVE THE MONEY AND LACK THE MATURITY. GO. SUE ME FOR EVERY POSSIBLE MOVE I MAKE. HAVEN'T YOU ALREADY ATTESTED TO YOUR CRONIES AND NON-BELIEVERS?

CHILDREN SKIP WHEN THEY ARE HAPPY. FORGIVE ME FOR INDULGING IN ALL CHILDLIKE JOY, EVERY EXCUSE TO BE HAPPY, THAT YOU HAVE BEEN DEPRIVED OF. MAYBE THAT IS WHY YOU ARE ALWAYS SO FULL OF REMORSE AND MALICE. FORGIVE ME FOR TRYING TO CHEER MYSELF UP. WHOSOEVER SAID I CAN'T MAKE THE SUN SHINE FOR ME? OR AT LEAST TRY TO?

THAT, IS THE LEAST OF HOW YOU HAVE WRONGED ME. AND YES I AM IN DRAMA BECAUSE I LOVE ATTENTION LIKE THIS. IT'S HEALTHY ATTENTION THAT MAKES ME MORE CONFIDENT OF MYSELF, PLAYING A ROLE THAT MOST HAVE NEVER COME INTO CONTACT WITH, SPEAKING WHEN IN CHARACTER WHEN I AM CRIPPLED IN PERSON.

I'm a diva like this. I'm a self-professed drama queen. I couldn't keep my emotions in before.

Thank God... you have always failed in dragging souls into your bottomless pit. You, have made us stronger, You, have brought us together. You, have made us fighters.

Reverse psychology? You bet.

Of course, you can't do all that. Don't give yourself so much credit, we all have lives that preferably include other obstacles.

You and your cronies. You and everyone like you.

Speak if you would. Nobody has ever spammed me in a negative fashion, and I don't see why they should. If they do, all I can say is, idiots refute all reason.

That is, beyond the scope of me apologising for mistakes I've made, of course.

You have silenced me for so long.

Today, I will silence you. Maybe not. He who is in the heavens and on earth shall pass judgement.

I am imperfect, hence my following statements...

Oh, I've learnt this in Spanish class:

Estupido. Loco. Idiota.

And this from the TIME magazine on how Indians feel after terrorists bombed Mumbai:

SCREW YOU.

I shall now enjoy this triumph of mine, bask in all the attention my diva-ish self so hungrily feeds on.

identity-finder, half-thinker, thought-translater, life-pacer, adversary-fighter, grown-wiser, subtle-humour, nail-biter, indulgent-appreciator, pragmatic-dreamer, irony-murdered, unglamourous-puss, rocket-bunny

october 1st, sixteen, libran, singapore, tutor, christian, student, daughter, sister, friend, writer, artist, teenager, life, love

corny in a paradigm where sense and non sequiturs go together, taking it in like vanilla ice cream on a banana split, or sand on a boot. whichever goes.

Adelina Anjelica Cassandra Clarissa Daniel Esther E-von Geraldine Hairil HongWei Huiyi Jasmin Jasmine Jay Joseph Kenneth Marlyna Mythili Nadrah Samuel Sharon Sisi Shawn Stephanie Szeyuan Tivona YongQuan SHAKIRA Bare Feet JSS ELDDS

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