Friday, May 8, 2009

I need to get my act together.

Thank God I'm still not as busy as my friends' in SP/other polys' courses. Or JC.

Thank God I didn't go to JC. It's not for me, an A levels' cert is not worth what JC students cough up. Well, that's just me. Of course poly's gonna get tougher than the honeymoon I'm in now, but yeah.

I'm still a good girl, I pay attention when I have to, the homework (or am going to get to that), extra reading (not a lot on psych/lifespan/applied drama yet), do my fair share of work in presentations, agonise with my group mates over choosing to use applied drama to teach Science, am still complaining (but not that much, and doing it for the sake of amusement), sharing unbroached topics with a bunch of people I've known for only 3 weeks...

Damn I'm getting bolder by the day. Refreshing as rain over the southwestern desert, where parched earth melts away and cacti blossom. For someone who's been in so many shells (not to say I'm not in one now...), at least those that do me more harm than good, it's... it's...

Breathtaking.

I love being a part of this world. This is my reality now, the way I choose it to be. It's a delicate balance, in tandem with other worlds. We're on one planet, but on the expanse of blue, white, green and surprising man-made brown, there are many more worlds than we know of. Geography reminds me of how I constantly failed at that dumb textbook munching subject, mostly because my sense of direction was (and still is) atrocious.

Okay that's not the point. I've dropped Geog since Sec 2 and can navigate better in Shakespeare's crummy elizabethan speak and sexual tendencies in his plays. Oh my. So anyway, I'd like to think of myself as having a different view. I will go the other way with a compass, no matter where you put me, but if I were to test you my way, you'd be lost halfway through my question.

On hindsight, that probably explains why I'm a difficult person.

Thinking planet Earth... the Himalayas, Amazon, Mongolian Steppes, Northern Lights, Antarctic.

Narrowing down... Singapore City, indigneous Maori and Inuit, Moscow, Arizona, Brussels.

In detail... Mexican drug cartels, North Korea's showcase Pyongyang, Bullfighting rings in Spain, Cherry Blossoms in full bloom in Japan and Washington, Chinese New Year in Shanghai.

Zoom... An old lady getting mugged in London's mean streets, wageslaves on the Shinkansen, rubbing noses in Africa, Mas Selamat's capture, I step on chewing gum even though it's banned in Singapore.

More... She goes home fearful for the night, they are exhausted and trapped on the cycle, they are pleased and they flash an endearing smile, Home Team resuscitated in the cynical public's image, and guess what? I'm bloddy pissed. For once I'm glad they banned chewing gum cos sods like the jerk who glued the masticated piece of rubber with his spit to the ground ought to have chewing gum stuck to his nose.

Snap! She thinks about her son who is far away in the U.S, they have a reputation and a living to eke out, they are getting married, we are relieved, and now I'm sitting here, telling you all this. Is it realistic? Why not?

That camera-zoom and focus is to illustrate how there are worlds beyond ours. Of course, how you define 'world' is another matter. Makes me think about how everyone's got their own lives and, we're not so much living in seclusion, even if we want to be. One way or other, you're not really a hermit because your world (let's say you are one living in the mountains) is still in contact with nature. The valleys, the sun, the crazy altitude. Adapting in limbo. The earth shakes as if to scratch and shake off a pesky flea as a dog would. More subtle changes like rock wearing away to nothing also makes an impact. Now, you're living on a mountain. So when the earth speaks, you still respond. Do you move to a different spot with a easier access to a water source?

Damn I sound like a tree-hugging hippie now, but ever since Claire spoke of the idea of how when every muscle and nerve of our body is connected, anything out of place would disrupt the system. In a disruption, it can be as mild as your voice sounding funny... or as bad as getting lung cancer. Your conscious, subconscious and unconscious are a system of their own and in each other...

Everything that shapes you physically, mentally and spiritually.

Organs in your body.

Body in skin.

Blood in passage.

Person in comfort of home.

Person in need.

Person has freedom to give as much as he likes.

Person has friends and family and acquaintances.

Person has status.

Person has different priorities.

Person who goes to church on Sundays.

Person who has aspirations.

Person who is an inspiration.

Person who makes the world a better place.

Person who knows of other persons and how they too have this and more that you are not aware of.


See? I made good use of my holiday.

My world is no longer resistant to change but it doesn't always have to enjoy it. Flexible, tolerating, self-discovering, patient, tearing off hair at ends, laughing at every possible moment, a dose of freedom. It is letting go, especially of hatred. It still trusts, but not so blindly because it wears spectacles now. It's a world of quirky contrast, a paradigm and unashamed silliness. Oh and it's aware and should be allowed moments of drama that makes no sense at all.

Okay I should stop now. This post isn't getting any better.

Writing has been so thereupathic. I'm still obsessing over how everything can be one step closer to perfect. In the end, it's still trial and error. It got me to this stage of writing (this still isn't very good), it got me to finding true friends, and realising what is it that I really cannot stand.

I digress. There's a lot on my mind lately, but not enough to lock me away.

Oh gosh. My world has to go study other worlds now... Psychology and Lifespan Psychology. Freud is sexually obsessed. I totally digressed again.

Just to let you know, I've been beginning to read novels again, at least 30 minutes a day. People just don't update good blogs very often because they have lives. I take Spanish classes and I've joined Theatre Compass! Drama Olé!

Recently, instead of doing some really hardcore studying, I'm just adjusting, having fun and tying up the loose ends about myself. I know I'll have to continue the path to never-ever self-actualisation while studying, but hey. I've nearly lost my mind before, so all that work half a year fixing what I screwed up is worth it.

Well, today, I'm in SP studying Applied Drama and Psychology. I'd rather be stressed by Drama in Education than PW. Bugged by juggling the terms in Learning (Psych) than O level Math. This is the choice I made. For I have never had this much conviction and control, I'm not about to waste it.

3 weeks into school, I have yet to regret. I'm not about to do so, be it 3 weeks or 3 years.

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october 1st, sixteen, libran, singapore, tutor, christian, student, daughter, sister, friend, writer, artist, teenager, life, love

corny in a paradigm where sense and non sequiturs go together, taking it in like vanilla ice cream on a banana split, or sand on a boot. whichever goes.

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