WorldOfMakeBelieve

pop!

2009-10-31T13:31:00.002+08:00

MOVED HOUSE!

Explained disappearance all here:

http://cornariffic.tumblr.com

3 full pages to catch up on, lots of reblogs (posts that are not originally mine) and the magic of tumblr!

Links will be posted soon... and a profile picture I guess.

I hate asking this, and I've never done it. Do post the updated tumblog link. Grazie. :D

If you have a short attention span:

http://cornariffic.tumblr.com

aqui!

2009-09-22T17:18:00.003+08:00

I see Shah's jumped on the post-tips-for-your-ailing-juniors-who-are-taking-O's-in-a-matter-of-4-weeks bandwagon.

Honestly, nobody should take any advice on decision-making when it comes to Math and/or Science.

So...

http://seanliveshere.blogspot.com/

You know, just in case you didn't know.

2009-09-19T12:25:00.002+08:00

My wonderful blog readers, whom I have no intention to stalk by switching to Wordpress, installing a live traffic update thingy, blog counter et cetera, will now be privy to my list of conquests (of books la!)

Meanwhile, Generation Y has been very uh, intellectually inspiring. :) Whether or not you know all about Cuba, famously the backdoor of the US of A, get your ass to http://www.desdecuba.com/generationy/.

There we go. Cuba, as seen in the eyes of the working class. The political concepts are still in limbo, but the emotional reactions give a face to the social and political situations.

What do you think of a guy who sports a Che Guevara tee/sling bag? How about a couple of JSS students going to Vietnam, and at least one came back with a yellow star on a red cap? Bluetooth technology at the forefront of a brand new revolution? Did you ever have to use dish soap to wash your hair?

Decades of political drought leading to an intense thirst for change. Enough is enough, repression has a limit and c'mon, they're sick of the same old shit that happens everyday.

Yup, that's Generacion Y summed up in a few sentences.

It's time for a good doughnut.

Yes this is how I've been spending my holidays. Intellectual pursuits, putting off chores, lots of catching up, celebrating, assisting, minimal job-hunting, reading, attempting to exercise, eating, thinking of urgent needs and wants, going to church, feeling guilty, watching lots of Desperate Housewives, going for family/school obligations, being introspective, grasping with concepts (be they grandiose or uncommon common sense), a couple of surprises here and there (including one this morning), birthdays and a list of things to do.

Wonder how people can turn up in school for school-related events every other day. Doesn't it tire you out? Maybe nobody likes to stare at an empty calendar. Your physical lives are so darn busy. Come to think of it, I've been occupying myself emotionally and mentally a lot, even though my calendar has a mark on it almost every day.

I still cannot figure out what makes a holiday.

I suppose its the Singaporean way of life. You just can't do nothing. Everyday stress over head-exploding immobility and boredom. Is it so? I'm sure there is much to do just sitting around. You just need to find it. Well, after robbing 10 years worth of holidays from me, this is my breather. Much needed therapy, just to slow down and find myself.

I need to start writing more seriously again. Catch up on vocab, put writing styles through trial and error, and go with the flow.

Ugh. I sound... blah. Half-washed blog entry.

Or perhaps that's just how life works. Like it or not, when I write a post like that, it's still undoubtedly a document of development in a greater sphere. Popping one bubble after another on the inside. Oh well, every dog has it's day.

Arf!

another one

2009-09-18T19:52:00.002+08:00

Another helpful post, hopefully.

With the up and coming O's, it's time to put on your armour, as my mama used to say. Or sharpen your weapons.

Since I'm practically no help at all when it comes to many subjects (I've got my O level cert to prove it), barring Literature, Social Studies, History and English, here's a tip.

*pop*

Even though you ought to have started earlier, it really couldn't hurt to read. Remember, reading helps. Not only does it tell you to propel the force of your hand forward when the sign says "PUSH", it also saves you from much embarrassment.

To be more exact, pick up a newspaper. Never mind the Straits Times if you don't want to swim through it. TODAY will do. (I've done it since I was 10, so you have no excuse) Selectively read the articles, and have the columns (articles that are more opinionated, rather than reported news) and have a serving of PLUS. It's hardly ever boring. Everything from the political observations, quips, random thoughts about pimples overblown into a column article, movie reviews, music/concert/food/fashion reviews and commentaries.

Whether you're going to be doing a narrative or an exposition for your essay, it helps to uhm, borrow without asking, some writing styles. People don't study journalism for nothing, and obviously there's something about them that makes their work very readable, especially over a cup of morning coffee.

Of course the heavier content will go to exposition. It's not that difficult to be convincing. Also, do try to be more flexible. There is no solid mould as far as I can see, just a guideline. Personally, I'd be able to tell if writing is constricted. That's where I'm not proud of my essays.

As for how it will help with narratives, it's got a lot to do with how you make a piece entertaining. Spinning a story with a message.

Plus, the usuals. Vocab, grammar, and a dip in spelling, grammar and word use mistakes.

Yesterday, I asked Professor O'Connor (sounds much more important than Peter) about red tape in the business of Applied Theatre. So yes, lots of "???" went off. If you have to know, you experience red tape when you wanna do something, but you can't due to the political or social situation (usually political).

Here's a related word:

Bureaucracy

–noun, plural -cies.
1. government by many bureaus, administrators, and petty officials.
2. the body of officials and administrators, esp. of a government or government department.
3. excessive multiplication of, and concentration of power in, administrative bureaus or administrators.
4. administration characterized by excessive red tape and routine.

There we go. This is why even if lots of money pours into aid for Africa, people are still not better off. Say, foodstuffs goes into the warehouses in Africa, and it isn't distributed to the people and aid pretty much rots away or ends up in the homes of those in power. Lots of reasons actually, this is just one of em'.

Alright sooooo... point is, reading helps. Beyond the O's, it's better to be equipped with a general understanding of global situations, and nothing better to hear it from the horse's mouth, also known as the news. It's a global market after all. To go into work, and have thought out how you were going to promote, carry out and evaluate, and then to be met with a roadblock that could have been avoided if you were aware of the situation... well it's a waste.

Many thanks to my gracious audience. Even if you don't tag, I know you're there. ;) Totally appreciate the tags. Steph, Jasper, whoever takes their O levels sooner or later, this one's for you too.

2009-09-09T14:47:00.001+08:00

I can't believe this. My brain's kicking into uh... an English O level nazi mode. (well to give credit, Asy started the use of "grammar nazi". Love it.)

I can't look at a word that I don't know the meaning of without the urge to know what it means. Curiosity might've killed the cat but once I get curious, hardly anything stands in my way. On the other hand, if I can get myself to brush it off, then all is at peace.

Arcane means to know a lot about something that most people don't know about, especially if it is very mysterious, obscure or a secret.

Cosseted means pampered.

To vindicate means to justify.

For English compre, there's a section that can be a total pain, an extra present right before the summary section. It's a vocab section where you have to explain the meaning of the word given in the context as clear as possible.

So, if they give you a word that nobody's heard of, and you can't read, reflect or connect the dots for nuts, then you're screwed.

Of course when you get an easy word that you know the meaning of, but you've got no idea how to explain it, then you're also screwed.

Proverbial (no dictionary this time and in 7 words or less), would mean a figurative description of a non-existing thing.

Of course, this is to say that I'm referring to it in this sentence: "The she-wolf that has come out of the proverbial closet".

Apparently, the dictionary says,

1. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a proverb: proverbial brevity.

2. expressed in a proverb or proverbs: proverbial wisdom.

3. of the nature of or resembling a proverb: proverbial sayings.

4. having been made the subject of a proverb: the proverbial barn door which is closed too late.

5. having become an object of common mention or reference: your proverbial inability to get anywhere on time.

Taking into account our pop culture references, like how "She-wolf" has become a gay anthem simply because of the sentence "There's a she-wolf in the closet". "In the closet" is associated with say, a gay person that is not publicly gay, and if he is, then he has "come out".

So looking back at my answer, I'm not exactly wrong.

The closet isn't physical. It's a state of mind, or a social state. I wouldn't know, cuz I'm not gay.

(This is making me think of Avenue Q: If you were gay... that'd be okay... If you were queer... I'd still be here! Constance *hearts* Avenue Q!)

Of course sometimes you have go back to root words, which you probably have to explain, like what a proverb is. (an untrue story with a message)

Right. So only the first 4 meanings given by the dictionary would be right if the context is "Alison made a soured expression at the proverbial sour grapes".

Sidetrack: A prerequesite is a needed requirement before starting a task. As again, find the root words, break it up, pray hard you've come across this word and note the prefixes and suffixes.

Someone hire me to teach already! I NEED THE MONEY!

Okay so there we go. Pardon me for putting you throught his. I've got a brain to dissect, some possible future jobs to consider, and 2009 O level grades to salvage.

(Does a degree in English get one anywhere?)

Hmm, language is very rooted in our cultural influences, past and present.

I can only imagine how many of Claire's students will think this is sick and wrong when I say I really don't mind studying the phonetic alphabet. Don't you just hate my curiosity?

Still, I won't deny that this curiosity has gotten me this far, especially with all that crazy nitpicking at pronunciation my teachers used to engage in. Like how calendar is pronounced as "cat-lender". Or rendezvous being "ron-deh-vu". Stuff like that just doesn't leave me.

Maybe that's how people like Mr Hans can be a walking Psych dictionary.

Oh oh, last note.

http://encarta.degreesandtraining.com/articles.jsp?article=featured_the_7_secrets_of_highly_successful_students>1=27004

Apparently, this is the 7 secrets of highly successful students, applicable to students in U.S colleges, and most probably Singaporean universities.

Let me draw your attention to this exhibit:

"2. Visit professors outside of class
Professors are people, too. They worry about being liked, whether they're gaining a few pounds and whether or not they're good at their jobs. So go visit them. Ask them for clarification of some point they made in class. Try out your paper or lab ideas on them to see if you're headed in the right direction. Ask them the best way to study for the exams.

It's probably not a great idea to focus on grades only, as in "What do I need to do to earn an A in your class?" Get your professors to help you be a better student. And maybe ask, "Have you lost a little weight?"

In other words, suck up. *smiley-face*

Damn what are we learning in school? Abuse of human psychology? Knowing where your limits are? You can't get far in life on pure merit alone?

Totally screams grey area.

I'd rather not find out. At least, not now.

2009-09-07T18:47:00.000+08:00

Oh good Lord.

So I was scrolling down a webpage, and mother dear waswarning me about the implications of drinking scalding hot soup, and how it involves getting nose cancer (you burn the internal tissue, since the throat and the nost are connected).

This recollection is a wiped-up, cleaned out version of what actually happened. Inspected for excessive Singlish and how it'll strip every bit of my online dignity.

She piped,

"Hey are those tits?"

"No."

"But I thought I saw them."

"No..." *scrolls up the webpage*

"Oh. Then what's that arrow for? I thought it was covering tits."

"THAT'S A VIDEO! THE ARROW IS FOR PLAYING THE VIDEO LA!"

Yes my family is weird. I can't wait for the Martians to take me away.

avenue Q!

2009-09-07T12:00:00.000+08:00

Other than becoming desperate for the housewives (darn these women look really good for their age... or they have excellent makeup artists, lighting and/or surgeons), I am becoming slightly obsessed with Avenue Q of late.

With lyrics like that, how can you not love em' naughty puppets and wish you were older last year?

GARY AND NICKY:
Schadenfreude!

GARY COLEMAN:
People taking pleasure in your pain!

NICKY:
Oh, Schadenfreude, huh?
What's that, some kinda Nazi word?

GARY COLEMAN:
Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others!"

NICKY:
"Happiness at the misfortune of others." That is German!

Watching a vegetarian being told she just ate chicken

GARY COLEMAN:
Or watching a frat boy realize just what he put his dick in!

NICKY:
Being on the elevator when somebody shouts "Hold the door!"

GARY AND NICKY:
"No!!!"
Schadenfreude!

GARY COLEMAN:
"Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!"

NICKY:
Ooh, how about...
Straight-A students getting Bs?

GARY COLEMAN:
Exes getting STDs!

NICKY:
Waking doormen from their naps!

GARY COLEMAN:
Watching tourists reading maps!

NICKY:
Football players getting tackled!

GARY COLEMAN:
CEOs getting shackled!

NICKY:
Watching actors never reach

GARY AND NICKY:
The ending of their oscar speech!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!

GARY COLEMAN:
The world needs people like you and me who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us, they don't want to be us,
and that makes them feel great.

NICKY:
Sure!
We provide a vital service to society!

Have never looked at it this way, have ya?

ooh i get high with a little help from my friends - sgt. pepper's lonely hearts club band, the beatles

2009-09-07T00:03:00.002+08:00

Soundbites from the land of Hairilalaland, where the main religion is Hairilism, political party Hairil's (Diva) Party, social network Hairilster.

Hairil says:
sorry was busy webcamwhoring with myself
i need peektures on my blog uh
so boring siol
btw
as a midnight gift
i shall tell u a secret...
wanna know?

Little Miss Blessed says:
Uh sure.
Only you would say midnight gift.

Hairil says:
haha
my secret: im changing my url back to www.kosherkickkillsbills.wordpress.com
my free domain, www.hairiliskandar.com is expiring soon
but oh well
YOU ARE THE FIRST TO KNOW!
*pops confetti*

Little Miss Blessed says:
oh hairil you have changed my life.

teacher's day

2009-09-06T22:53:00.000+08:00

Teacher's Day has come and gone, and now I still can't believe I spent the day scouring my Lifespan Psychology notes. Hey if you wanna cancel on somebody, it'd better be worth it. At least it was all not for nought, I assure you.

A thought came to me just now. To be lost in love is certainly a mind-boggling, hair-losing experience. What more can a woman ask for in a man, that he would protect her smile? If the simplest answer is usually the right one, then obviously there is no reason for anyone to say "I will go through hell and brimstone for you", because technically, nobody can. And remember, Shakespeare doesn't like your emo poems.

On the subject of smiles, I had a teacher who brought it up.

If there is anything this country is known for, it'd be the strict testing standards, our fiercely-guarded meritocracy, and increasingly constipated, sexless, baby-less lives. Born and bred into the rat race, every milestone in our Singaporean lives is seemingly marked by an exam. PSLE, N levels, O levels, A levels, Final Year Paper, Final Year Project, Internship. If you were in secondary school, you'd be living four years of your life for four weeks of exams.

Is four years really worth that much? Are our little lives worth only a chockful of exams? What do those people at Cambridge care about when it concerns your humanity?

The truth stings like acid, and churns like alkali forced down your throat.

For some of us who haven't thought of it this way, or are successfully conditioned, or graciously numbed, it probably wouldn't bother you so much.

Maybe that is why, with the dwelling of the truth, wrought with the "hell and brimstone" of teenage years, we sometimes forget how to smile, because we know we can't escape it. That is why most people would say "don't think too much". True, because conflict without resolution brings no peace. Then again, people think in the first place for obvious reasons. So before you use that phrase, do say something worth pondering about to turn the situation around. It works better that way. Besides, too much bleach makes John a blank zombie.

Back to the teacher. Think of my brain juice dripping through a strainer. Yum. Okay you get the idea. That happened during the English prepatory oral exam. (Now that I look back, there is no experience that beats bombing Claire's presentation) Honestly, getting an A on that exam is of no importance to me now. It was what she said after the exam that turned my life around. (This is why you should always ask your teachers for feedback and advice, that is if, they don't secretly hate your guts)

Apparently, losing your smile is an equally unpalatable experience for your oral examiners. "It makes you come off as cold, steely, unwelcoming and scary". All JSS students ought to kiss my feet. I scared Mdm Priya.

She's got a point. Where did that smile go? Why didn't anyone notice it was gone? Did they forget?

If she had never noticed, or cared enough to notice, or was sane enough to notice, there would not have been a better hand (of cards), or playing style for me.

I have no doubt that she's the prime example of a psychologist/psychiatrist/doctor/teacher. For that line of work, it's not just all the studying and mugging for years you gotta do. There's the question of character and aptitude. If you don't care enough, you're not observant enough, that's not going to make you very good at your job. What gives you the right to say "How do you feel about that?"

Uh yeah, of course right after that she started the talk about finding an identity, which is obviously very important if I don't want to slip into maladjusment in adulthood. Go Erikson and all your crises.

A note. This is why I'm apprehensive of my *lovely* cousin Lucia (not Geraldine!) taking Psychology in Uni. Oh Santa Lucia, you couldn't look at us the same since secondary school. We are not of noble birth, unworthy and lacking in a CHIJ accent. Even if you always did the best in school, you're probably the last person I want telling me to tell you about my repressed memories. Here, I've unrepressed this one.

So yes, people don't like their doctors to be contradictory. When a doctor is contradictory, it's like having heart problems, and he prescribes flu meds. My mum used to yell at this opthalmologist who couldn't decide whether he wanted to proceed with an eye surgery for me. There came a fine young man, his confidence making up for his lack of experience (sounds like Obama) and said, "Ma'am, let's do this". The surgery was a success and today he is an advisor to Mount Elizabeth Hospital.

Happy belated Teacher's Day. Especially you, Mdm Priya. If there was anything I could give you, it would be to pass on the code of honour as a psychology student. Y'know, to someone who needs his or her smile back, way into the distant future.

nonsense

2009-08-24T14:42:00.002+08:00

An egocentric post to satisfy the cravings for an unpredictable, childish, easily tickled Id.

I have seven reasons to study.

Random fact: I like my Hello Panda fillings frozen hard. They just taste better that way. Unfortunately, I'm already sick of sweet stuff.

I need therapy. I want Rorscharch ink blots, psychoanalyst complete with a beard, and then I want to be told I'm afraid of my psychoanalyst.

Headaches suck, and I needed a one hour nap to offset one.

Oh look! A butterfly! Oh crap, I'm afraid of butterflies.

How can it be that I'm not really studying, and yet I am, considering how I can rattle off about what I've studied.

Geraldine wants to be a renowned psychologist. I don't want to burst her bubble, but personally I think she's better off a dental surgeon. That's okay hun, you can study my books. Dear me, a lot runs in the family. To think I can still be the sore thumb. Wanting to study psychology already says a lot about a person, and I shall be cryptic and not reveal it til my next post. For now, I just wanna plop on a couch, and play the cuckoo while she asks me "How do you feel about that?" That seems a lot easier. And I'll scream at her "Didn't I just say I was depressed?!"

The sweet smell of the day before two exams.

Oh Id, don't you see how ridiculous you are?

Stop. No more.

chocolate in fingernails

2009-08-24T11:38:00.001+08:00

There's a problem with my phone. I'll still be able to receive messages, but unfortunately I can't reply because my messages get stuck in my 'outbox' and refuse to go to the 'sent items box' no matter how many times I threaten to plonk it into the fish tank. In case of any emergencies, like the stretchy thing in your braces snapped and for some reason hearing my voice will rejoin it, give me a call.

I get stressed up studying about stress, mental disorders and how beautiful minds work. (Yes I do have to study about stress, no matter how seemingly ironic it is for me)

Hey on the bright side (positive reappraisal, otherwise a fancy term for focusing on the positive), I'm studying Psychology and Spanish, two very useful subjects, unlike say, A maths and PW.

Honestly, I doubt JC students actually get anything from coming up with surveys for their friends to do, besides training to become civil servants. Honestly, most of the surveys look like the kind the government would want me to do so I can become a statistical opinion on something as trivial as extra train doors. Whether I say yes or not, they're gonna build it anyway.

How do you people live like that?

Take me on an overseas holiday, with beaches, shopping, and culture aplenty. Viva Colombia!

battery ram

2009-08-23T20:44:00.002+08:00

Studying. My posts are getting shorter. Attempting to study.

Enjoy the breadcrumbs/croutons of blogging!

Timmy: Astro physics for morons? Who cares about astro physics!

Cosmo: Uh... the physics police?

Fairly Oddparents classic!

joan collins!

2009-08-22T16:44:00.001+08:00

http://lifestyle.sg.msn.com/fashion/celebrity/article.aspx?cp-documentid=3541657

Don't you just love how she talks?

Gosh I could listen to her all day.

"Beauteous Beyonce" and "fractious infant". Joan Collins, your use of vocab in everyday speech is fascinating, not to mention, fabulous, in today's terms ;)

I mean this in the most non-offending, honour-bestowing manner ever. She's a relic from another era, say, the golden age of Hollywood.

Damn, when was the last time people said things like "In Hollywood, they pay you a million dollars for a kiss and ten cents for your soul"?

----------

Shakira's still giving me ear-gasms with She Wolf/Loba when I plug in the earphones.

una loba en el amario, tiene ganas de salir auuuuuuuu!/there's a she wolf in the closet, open up and and set it free auuuuuuu!

Love the climatic electronica part! Give em' all your fast singing and melisma!

http://www.shakiramedia.com/video/detail/1412 How can anyone not be proven wrong? She's not a cookie-cutter pop diva mi amigos.

----------

More updates to come!

OCEAN The Big Five

2009-08-19T00:44:00.006+08:00

In psych (and unfortunately a test I have to study for), there is a certified personality test to look at how you score on the 5 major traits. Otherwise known as Openness to Experience or Intellect, Conscientiousness, Extravertedness, Agreeableness, Neuroticism (OCEAN).

Taking into account environmental factors and balancing out how I would react in those situations, a lot of which I have been in lately, I guess I've provided all the accuracy I can give.

So there you go. The main basis of my personality.

I'm" a O90-C41-E53-A50-N80 Big Five!!

kope-d from Nan's exkruciating blog!

So yes, I'm still rating high on neuroticism. No surprise, but I'm a lot better now I swear. You don't believe me?! I HATE YOU!!!

On agreeableness, I think I'm only agreeable when I've still got that patience. To me, patience is like a fuse on a bomb. I'll be "good-natured, sympathetic, forgiving and courteous", but for how long? Once I've reached the end, kaboom! Then I can be really mean, "critical", "rude", "harsh", "callous". Good news is, the fuse for my patience bomb is a lot longer now.

Extraversion... It's all a matter of who I'm hanging out with and depends on my mood. ;)

Conscientiousness... Strike when the iron is hot. If you can prove to me that whatever I'm supposed to be doing is of any good, or if I don't, your entire clan will be cursed and stuff and make me feel all guilty, then yeah I'll be conscientious. It's all a matter of motivation and interest.

Openness to Experience and Intellect! (Haha I'm open to intellect! It's like saying that people who get the opposite results are like dumb blondes. Allergic to all knowledge and intelligence. Making me think of the blonde joke now. The blonde says, "I think..." and lightning struck her dead.) Well, yes if the experience is within an enthusiastic yes. Intellectually, I'm very much a sponge.

So there you go, all the evidence for my ever contradicting self, past and present.

More fun stuff! The picture I was talking about is in this blog post, all the way at the bottom: http://www.kennysia.com/archives/2009/08/adv-duty-of-a-c.php

Totally made my morning. Insurance = toilet paper = maximum coverage for shit that happens.

Nightynight!

2009-07-25T00:27:00.002+08:00

There comes a time when every writer will question.

There also comes a time when every writer feels the urge to tear up his manuscripts and watch the digits on the soft copy disintegrate, on hindsight.

There comes a time when we'll click our tongues, purse our lips and assess the risks because there is a positive correlation between creativity in writers and mental disorders.

Then the writer goes back to writing.

Darling, aren't we all slaves to the art. Or some fanciful scheme should do.

Blogs are primarily for vocalising behind a screen to an audience that you cannot see, and for talking to oneself. Yabber jabber doo, we sure know how to talk.

Even mere ramblings are subjected to judgement. This is the world I have let you into, the inside of my head, and I assure you there is no party going on in there. From questioning myself as a writer, to questioning myself as a person. Days on a high lead to votes of confidence, while normal days lead to much pondering and realism in a wafer-thin wisp of surrealism. The stuff of life.

We'll never be satisfied. What I have over a blank slate now does not even touch the tip of the iceberg. Ladies and gents, we've got a long way down to the bottom of the Atlantic.

Maybe not tonight. How is it possible that there can be so much information contained in a head's width? How is it possible that there can be more information that you are aware of contained in the span of a neuron?

That, my friend, is to show you that God has a penchant for bytes in bits. If we were made in His image, then that explains the existence of USB flash drives.

How many dark eye rings in exchange for satisfaction that never will be?

It is all nothing but a dream-like state. Or maybe I'm just sleepy.

Sleep, before I stir up more demons and people tapping their feet.

banter

2009-07-21T09:33:00.003+08:00

So.damn.sleepy.

How am I going to get all the work done today?

Fat fluffy bunny rabbits, Anjelica blogs for no reason whatsoever.

I hate Mark for always managing to be 1/2-1-1 1/2 hours late.

2009-07-12T23:01:00.003+08:00

Much has happened lately that forced me to question Poly, and Singapore, and pretty much the whole world. Life turns around and surprises you with a disappointment that washes away the rose tint that you have no other choice but to see things as they are. Somebody shoves you and your tumble down the pavement. Other than the pain and the "WTF!" moment, the first thing you notice when you open your eyes is the grit between two slabs of concrete.

When people disappoint you, it is the greenish-black stuff that is between the gap-toothed ground.

I wonder how long I can take this. I'll probably be able to hold out with the support of God, my loved ones, my friends, people who will not sputter at the thought of a multi-dimensional view.

Am I so difficult to understand? Where is the stain on the lens of the telescope that is sending the observatory, then the entire country, then Google, into a flurry? Tell me where the smudgy extra-terrestrial beings are. Dear me. If everything is relative, there can only be these possibilities...

1) I'm not clear enough.

2) I don't make sense,

3) Because I'm stupid, I don't know what I'm talking about and I can't help starting by statement with a "Because".

4) But what if you're just not listening?

5) What if you can't be bothered?

6) Cuz everyone's falling asleep.

7) It is in our nature to bite the head off anyone who does not seem remotely intelligent or intelligible.

8) Cuz we just like to bite.

9) Because you're stupid.

10) Because you didn't bother to listen.

11) Because you're just not as smart as people who can actually understand it.

12) Because you just don't have so much patience for anyone but yourself. (Ego, ego)

Here I am, talking to myself. Damn I make me some good company.

brave new girl

2009-07-12T18:24:00.004+08:00

I've gots ze She Wolf/Loba fever.

AUUUUU!

Screw SG radio stations for being slow in releasing new music, especially new Shakira music.

Speaking of yesterday, I've made a descision to not be self-conscious, even when the situation prompts me to withdraw from rejection of the opinion that I am entitled to. I wonder how my defence mechanism is working, hope I've installed Bounceback 3.0 already.

So much for Poly and DADP. There is much to learn, even when we think we know.

This is all part of God's will I suppose, something to sharpen my incisors, senses and self-control. Something that I'll teach my kids. Until shit happens to them, nobody will change their minds. This is how beliefs are shaped by experiences.

I wonder if I'll be part of the rare few to achieve self-actualisation. I sure hope so. *crosses fingers*

note

2009-07-12T01:15:00.002+08:00

In this post, lemme say thanks to Miss Jennifer, even though she probably doesn't know this bit of cyberspace exists.

Considering how my personal tutor (a form teacher of sorts) showed her concern towards me when I let out the ILP problem during the EIC test, that's enough for me. I cannot expect people to do so many things for me now. Neither do I want them to be wrangled in potential politics. I'm 17 and am treated like an adult, so I have to live up to at least half the expectations of one. Yeah! Am so going to show that I deserve being in SP Dadp. Finding your way around life is one thing I'm learning now.

Oh and politics. If TC's politics spills over to my batch, I'll try my best to stay out of it. Politics: bloodsucking shit. Ain't no way am I wasting my energy on that anymore. I've had my fair share of office politics, which was a horrible experience, a taster of the real world, and one that is close to our nation (propagandish music).

Hasta la vista baby!

these words

2009-07-11T23:09:00.005+08:00

Thou shalt enjoy random banter and rant, for if satisfaction dost not sight thee, the disconcerting frustration shall cleft thee in twain.

Behold! For thy bitchiness knows no bounds!

Anyway, life is kinda suckish for me right now. I've lost my voice, and I'm supposed to deliver a rap on Monday. So it has been a lazy Saturday for me, considering how the inflammation developed into a voice-killing sore throat. I'm phlegmmy, it hurts when I swallow, it hurts when I cough, and I cough because it feels as though someone tickles the back of my throat every minute. Apparently, I slept a lot today to escape that.

Some people deserve rectal thermometers forcefully stuffed up their crackholes. If only I can bring myself to name names, or rather, name. It's a little pointless like this, but this is what non-confrontational people like me have to do. What lacks in confrontation is made up for in rants directed at the anonymous. As much as this stops me from being impulsive and having to pick up the pieces later, part of me wishes for the person in question to know it in his (HIS!) heart fully well that he's pissing me off really badly. I suppose not, since he's apparently not very smart, shallower than a puddle, ridiculously angsty and attention seeking in a bad way (and for terrible reasons, one of those is that he is himself. I know people get upset like that, but most of the time, people redeem themselves and I can understand them. In his case, he's just pathetically himself. It's hard to get mad at a person, not the circumstances, but now, even rhectoric would rather kill itself)

I don't know what to say. Except for, YOU SUCK.

I'm a lot more patient now, but you still manage to piss her ladyship off. Man you're good. If you ever decide to wear a Speedo, you'd probably choke yourself with it while trying to put it on.

I doubt he reads this blog though. Simply reading the first sentence would hurt his brain, and grey matter would become melted gelatin. Honestly, creatures like you are a disgrace to the male species and homo sapiens. Don't ever have children. It's the same reason why people don't want Paris Hilton to have kids. Gosh if you tell me that my post and blog is emo simply because I don't overdose on smilies or overtly happy signs, take your limited vocab, your assumptions, your intelligence of a beng away from the ground that I blog on. Don't soil it. Learn to read. Please.

Damn I'm catty when something gets on my nerves.

Shit happens. The circumstances are ever so frustrating. I love what I study, and I started this week with a renewed breath to enjoy every lesson and every bit of homework. Don't get me wrong, it's really effective in staving away procrastination and potential put-downs. Sometimes, life just disappoints you. To put it simply, grey skies are when the sun cannot be seen, but that doesn't mean the sun has been obliterated and painted a dull colour, then scattered across the atmosphere.

Speaking to Hongwei, I now understand why Poly gives you lots to talk about.

DD, AD, ILP, IP... God teaches me a lesson of His own while my lecturers impart their skills and sarcasm.

Oh yes. For improv, I've gotten 21/30 (sidetrack: Psych MST 31/40). Thank God results have been satisfactory (average results for both tests, really), especially when I'm finding footing on uncertain ground. I was certain I wouldn't excel at the start of the semester, but I needed my safety net while He prepares me and guides me though the manouvres, constantly reminding me that I'm very much lost without Him. Ah well, every day is a new resolution. Oh no! Time to get back to work > <

Anyways, DD has been off to a technically smooth and emotionally rocky start (contradiction!). It is time for me to learn the truth of drama. If you want dynamism, you're going to have to put up with all the differences and differences in egos. Yes, I shall solidify my stance while keeping the balance. That's always been my job, hasn't it? Hence, the non-confrontational tendencies. Moments of unhappiness have to come to pass, and, this is hard to learn, but... Whatever happens during DD stays in DD.

It's the stress of so many new bad experiences that put me off a little, I'll be up on my feet sooner or later, one day having the ability to slip through the cracks. At least the work is done.

I won't forget the good times though. Great to see so many sides of people that are hidden away from the majority. It's... humanising, to say the least.

AD forces me to question myself as a person. C is for Constance, and unfortunately also for Contradiction. How can someone so Cruel be able to display so much staged Compassion and Concern. Now I ask myself: which of it is artificial? Oh and my Classmates are a screaming riot. Love their sense of humour man.

Hmm, should I talk about my tests?

IP: *pats self* Not bad for the first MCQ test, and I'm so glad I studied in depth for some difficult topics. Making the right descision in a bid to win a gamble, and then actually winning it feels good. Note to self, always look long term. That shapes me up for the written tests. Fyi, I didn't study 3 topics of bio psych, and there were around 12 topics tested. Oh and IP's getting really fun. Gotta love Social Pysch. It makes me all... introspective. Haha total contradiction, considering how Social Pysch is about external influences.

Improv: Nervousness gets you nowhere, but I'm extending more control over my own emotions each day. I know I'll get better with more practice, and this is just where I am now. Drama is but a facade. The best actors are those with the strongest facade. Interpret this as you might. I think, the stronger the facade, the more comfortable you are exposed to the elements, cuz you're safe to be the character and some facets of yourself. Drama is such a contradiction.

ILP was okay I guess. Both good and bad. Good because I'm learning much about children, it'll make me a better mother. It gives me the opportunity to help Catherine when she doesn't get it. The more you teach, the more you learn, innit? I've learnt how to write better notes already. Maybe that's how teachers can stick to their jobs for decades.

Bad part about ILP? For one, the lecturer isn't exactly the most sensitive person in the world, yet she is. :) From informing us that she's going to cry to siding with the class on deciding to trample over a student's different perspective... she's done it all. I like her, but this calls for much forgiveness to people who don't understand that they have committed a crime against a soul.

What can I say? Some of us think heat always softens iron. Similarly, we think an unheard of, different perspective is wrong and ridiculous, without wanting to hear more of it. They said humans flying could never be, but people in those times would bite their lips if they now know of things like Boeing 747. What misjudgement!

Similarly, this is how people misunderstand MJ. They cannot accept the possibility that the dude has a fixation on childhood, without any sexual connotations. Why is this not possible? Why not? Naivete has many forms. We don't know the man, heck. We don't even know ourselves that well. Who are we to tell MJ who he is? You are a freak who penetrates little boys while their parents are not around. Yes, that and so many people wanting to suck the money outta him. People just choose to ignore what they cannot understand. When they agree with this sentence, they would probably not think that they have done it before. You know who you are.

Well, I'm not a pushover. I stop at a different opinion, because I am not all-knowing. It's called balance.

If I am but a fool to you, then I would rather remain in the light. ;) Those who fear darkness live in the light, while those who would rather remain in the darkness are doing so in order to indulge in their wrongs because no one can see in the dark.

Gotta love that kinda wisdom. Reminds me of Daniel saying those who are the most honest have the least to lose.

God help this contradiction, and this contradictory post. Haha, the very essence of me.

Pill-poppers can sleep, but how well can they sleep? Like insomnia, ignorance is restricted bliss. There is much freedom beyond. I might have lost the voice in my larynx (voice box), but I certainly haven't lost the one in my head. I'm very much sane, and still alive and writing. Composing words to defend, rebuke, praise and indulge. See see my vocab!

Okay whatever.

Good Night and Good Luck!

Footnote:

ILP: Intro to Lifespan Psychology
IP: Intro to Psychology
DD: Devised Drama
AD: Applied Drama

2009-07-08T19:17:00.007+08:00

Tis' a decent photo, that had to be edited Andy-Warhol style because...

1) I didn't really like how I looked in the original,

2) I haven't been very satisfied with a lotta pictures

3) Everybody needs an Andy Warhol!

Make one today!

Updates:

Anyway, I've done okay for my Psych test (the only MST that Yr 1 DADP has to take) and made 2 intelligent guesses.

Considering how I didn't study 3 topics of bio psych, it's very satisfactory.

On the other hand, I've lost confidence in the AD essay that I turned in. The ideas are considerably inspired and original, enough research, written and put together well enough, except for one problem: I didn't link the Singaporean problem to Image Theatre well enough. That's a huge chunk of the marks. Oh my. *frown*

Oh well, it sure is a thing to experience writing an AD essay and listening to everyone (including yourself) complain "I HATE AD ESSAYS!".

DD... HECK YEAH Yours truly is the scriptwriter for the devised piece! Storyline and characters are materialising already. Damn, being in total control (well, technically, shared control with your group) feels great. Ain't nobody's gonna censor us. Well, no one but ourselves.

There are so many things to turn in on Week 15 though. *boo*

Oh gawd. Lemme say. Foreign Language teachers (not just the Spanish teachers) are hawt!

They're so exotic. Oh and what if my classmates are right, "What if this is what a normal person looks like in their country?". Well, if that were true, I'm moving to Spain.

Was more blur than usual in Spanish class. Must be all that bio psych cramming I did before the 5.30 class.

Oh, and there's nothing like bonding with new and newer friends.

End of update! Besos.

grim and evil

2009-07-06T22:32:00.003+08:00

This morning I woke up with a cer-razy throat inflammation that I swear wasn't there the night before. No more Doritos, excessive practicing and whatnot, and not enough sleep and water.

So yeah... battling extreme thirst and this miserable hollowness in my throat, like someone surgically removed a protective layer.

On the bright side, I'm much better now.

One thing I've found myself wondering is why females and hormonal little boys have to be so cryptic in their speech, especially when someone's stepped on their foot. I guess I'll understand the slightly sadistic element of being totally enigmatic when one doesn't reveal where the source of pain comes from.

It's more than just not understanding where it hurts. For some of us, we'd tell you if we knew. A case of "I would if I could, but I can't so I don't".

Besides the occasional annoyance (you know who you are), sometimes we're just attention seeking, anal and ridiculously hopeful of any chance of telepathy like that.

From dust we came, and to dust we will return. Even a child is so full of evil, so they say, and I never understood why. Is telling a white lie that you ate one more cookie... evil?

Maybe it's the potential of evil that is being referred to. It's terrifying to be acquainted with the evil side of you, to know how every human can potentially destroy all that is good.

This is where guilt, laws and self-restraint, and God comes into order.

Guilt. Have you ever come back from an outdoor camp, under the hot sun, caked in a layer of dirt, and had a little encounter with mud and the 'great outdoors'? You smell of something unpleasantly peculiar, your hair is a rat's nest and of course, you haven't had a bath in ages.

Being a cleanliness freak, it's the same, considering how I can't stand being very dirty. When guilt engulfs and digests you like a carnivorous creature, I feel dirtier than a whore. I'm appalled by the evil that resides in me. Thank God it hasn't culminated into... I'd rather not know. Maybe that's why my conscience works overtime.

Words cannot express the regret and disgust, knowing that this is the darkness in me and fear that one day it would come to relish its consumption of me and God forbid, I cannot bring your names to my lips.

We're vulnerable in so many ways. Merciless in the face of fate and our inner workings, but also at the mercy of He who makes us and guides us.

May God protect us from bad thoughts.

Time for cleansing.

porque eres tu mi sol

2009-07-02T23:38:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, the world turns faster than we can catch up. It's like holding your breath, and upon the release, giving back what you received from your surroundings... the world has changed within the span of a breath.

Listening to Shakira's Laundry Service's Ready For The Good Times makes me think of how life would've changed for her. Maybe it's just this special intuition that artists and fans have of each other. Both as an aspiring artist and a fan(girl), I think of the path she has trod, with her share of embarassing mistakes and "what on earth did I agree to?".

When she was 17 in 1994, she broke a little of the Colombian music market (still a very small one, probably just a little bigger and more supportive than Singapore's) with 2 albums that flopped commercially and a cheesy soap opera Romeo-and-Juliet style where she found out that she wasn't cut out for acting.

She had a contract for 3 albums with Sony Colombia, and honestly, I don't think anyone has the same opportunities anymore. I must say that the first 2 albums did give her the exposure of making music, an insider's knowledge of the business and where she stood, and where she could go.

Exactly who's allowed to have room for mistakes like that? Guess I won't ever know how much loss there was in 2 ill-received albums.

Simply because she understood what happened during the production of the first 2 albums, she assumed control on the third one, which is now her first official album Pies Descalzos (Bare Feet).

I believe it was the first 2 albums that allowed her to make most of the mistakes in starting out, and Sony probably can't do anything about cancelling it because it was legally binding. As much as she'd like to bury the first 2 albums, together with the telenovela, it still serves as the reflection that I see in myself today.

Who knows? It's the screw-ups and doubts you gotta put up with, professionally and otherwise. Then somehow, as the years pass in an inhale and exhale, grace and self-assured confidence takes over. To make it seem it was all effortless. Seem.

"I would want her to know she didn't waste one second, everytime she let her imagination fly,".

Remembering how the first time I've heard her say that on a good interview, something in me was pushed up in the form of a tear to coat the rim of my eye.

Like a big sister telling you that she's been there and one day, all the persistent faith in the world in a petite body would overpower everything else to explode into undulating waves of passion and essence. Besides the physical frame that we share (me lacking the ass and the hips that can be dislodged at will), the spirit of an artist is one and the same, just expressed differently.

We walk 15 years apart, but the footprints she had left are still fresh on the ground that I press my bare feet into, as if they were imprinted the day before. Such is the relativity of time.

I turn my head, and the girl, about as tall as I am, with jet-black tresses and baby fat gives me a most peculiar wave with her head, nudging me forward. Then ahead, there's the girl with the straight black hair, then another with dreadlocks and coloured bits, and a redhead, then one with wild blonde curls, then a brunette, and the last I've yet to see up close. Her appearance and inspirations changes from time to time, but you could tell she's still very much the same person, still holding on to the dream that a little girl by the beach had envisioned.

So, what do I make of tomorrow? It has become clear to me that day I turn 32 is not far off. I'm not sure if I've drawn a breath yet. Being able to relate to her like this... I hope it's a plausible reason for why I'm easily excitable if we're talking about her. If there's anything I'm sure of tonight, it is that my dreams would not come to nought.

walking contradiction

2009-06-27T21:25:00.004+08:00

Everything I write seems excessively self-important.

Who do you think you are?

Applied Drama essay blues.

Why do people know so specifically, what they want and want to do?

Validation and Verification. Please direct me to the respective counters. a

Poesis is still not poetry, similarly I'm neither here nor there.

My muse hates me.

That is if, I have one.

My essay's still on the fricking assembly line.

Listen to me groan and lick my wounds.

It's amazing how much one essay can do to me, simply because I have no idea or indication on how to do well enough for this. Pathetica me is drowning in the quicksand. My demons make sure I go down with em'.

If, so you say, procrastination is fear masked in laziness, then apparently I've lived a lot of my life in quiet despair and disrepair.

I suppose, this is exchanging your dreams for plans.

It's the same grinding feeling that eats away at your stomach. Same feeling I've gotten after the improv test. The uncertain is at odds with me. Between being called and dealt the punishment, it is the part where you walk towards your disciplinarian in apprehension and clenched fists that really sucks all life out of you.

I'm not the lakeside girl. (clearly I don't write as well, she kicks my arse real good: http://lakeside-girl.blogspot.com/)

I'm Corny.

I suppose, this is what Corny, not officially 17, half-washed writer in training, will have to deal with and this is how she is going to express it.

Thrown into a bewildering world, slippery as quicksilver. Not quite the most eventful life, not the brightest banana, quirkier than ever, still singing the same melacholic songs.

I feel like masticated bubble gum, coated with saliva, flavourless and discarded with a ph-tooi! on the sidewalk, only to ruin someone's day when they step on my sticky, parasitic form.

C'mon. Don't deny that. Shit happens, and when I get stressed up, people can't stand it. For today, I believe I've finally found the analogy to describe that.

If anything, people will just tell you off for stressing them out when you're on an episodic release of neurosis.

On the bright side, (silver lining!!!) your true friends, loved ones will be the one to watch you in silence, let you be and then offer you some ice cream.

Good to know I've found mine.

Screwed up as I might be, a remnant of the train wreck from almost a year ago, I'm amazed I've still got the same few people (and potential ones) standing by me. It is inevitable that I would come to love you people.

It's not egoistic to know it in your heart that I do, so let me inflate your ego like helium, for I won't do so when I'm pretending to be sane.

cassandra

2009-06-23T21:48:00.005+08:00

Milk. Eggs. Cookies.

Check.

That was the last of the groceries on her mental checklist. Aimlessly traipsing through the aisles of marmalades and toddlers with unsteady gaits, another lazy Sunday afternoon slipped away.

Bump!

Annoyance and a bit lip. She turned around hastily. There went a portly queen. One without a crown.

"She didn't even say sorry,".

Flab rubbed against thigh, unwillingly consumed in black tights, as the fleshy posterior and overblown hair made her an everyday caricature.

Today, she didn't feel beautiful.

Not that anyone has made her feel that way recently. As much as she pondered about life more often than others, recently it has let her down, for it was as mundane as the shelves of canned sardines.

Ayam Brand. Extra Chilli. Mild.

No, life doesn't come with extra chilli. It would do nothing to force down the bitter medicine that is life, as one discovers moments of melancholy or apathy. No spoonful of sugar will ease the passage.

In the most unexpected of places, life takes an affecting turn. It was today that she would learn that explicitly.

Around the corner, she turns into another aisle.

"Hi, excuse me?"

A handsome, albeit quirky stranger in pink holds out a daisy. How did he know those were her favourite flowers? She stared at the delicate white petals, fluffy and fresh. Like a clean break from an unwashed day. Her spirits lifted, as though heaven pressed the right buttons.

"A flower for you, Miss?"

Or was he handsome only because he offered her a daisy? Was it one of those moments that made life so surreal? She held her breath. The thoughtfulness of a stranger to go out of the way to make her day? Finding love in a supermarket, like a shining pearl in a dull oyster?

She smiled, the first in hours.

Life in drab was given a makeover with colours from Van Gogh's palette.

Why would he do it? Who cares why? It was beautiful all the same.

It was just a pity the daisy wasn't an orange one...

"Yes Miss. Our line of pantyliners has just changed the packaging and we are holding a promotion this week. Here's a voucher for you."

He shoves a piece of glossy coupon into her hand before she can decline.

It said,

"Looking in your extra zing in your life? Find the comfort and confidence in ______ Pantyliners today! Pantyliners softer than daisies, comfort guaranteed. For daily use. Antibacterial. 50 per pack."

She blinked at the salesman.

Taking a moment to register the situation, she nodded. Yes, a man promoting ladies' necessities.

Well, she couldn't deny it was the first time she had seen a stranger passing out flowers instead of pamphlets.

It was still advertising, but it was also a quirky surprise. One that made her walk on with something to chuckle about. With every cloud, there is a silver lining. She crossed her fingers, knowing that the day where she will witness a rainbow behind a cloud is not far away.

The daisy went on top of the cookies.

**********

Inspired by Cassandra's uh, cute encounter. ;) http://loving-abhorration.blogspot.com/2009/06/in-midst-of-hullabaloo.html The way I see it, sticking to the situation as much as possible.

Hope this post cheers up the holidays-ending blues, and the fact that MOE'S not gonna extend our holidays on the pretext of H1N1 communal transmissions.

The glory of life reveals itself little by little, so watch out for the next one.

For some reason, her post reminds me of Lily Allen's vid for LDN: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmYT79tPvLg

the gift of thought set him apart

2009-06-15T00:23:00.003+08:00

Where have I been? Good question.

With my Lord, of course.

Will update on church camp after a many a sleeping hour, for now, I'll content myself looking at my wallpaper - a picture from camp, taken by John. Jasmine's so bubbly, it looks as if her cheeks are stuffed with pistachios (kai xin guo) and Samuel's looking like, uh. Samuel.

Now I spell out my meditation. (See, I've been doing my homework)

If there's anything the Bible does outstandingly, it is the imagery presented and how it challenges all conventions of the world, even today's. Oh what book dares to claim such greatness? Only one of God's Word.

Knowing that in the time of my absence in camp (and much meditation, nursing and slacking thereafter), the Poly mates have been running around in their little lives, it almost seems amusing to me. It appears to me that I'm the only one standing so still. If some were in my shoes, they'd make me get off my ass to busy myself with something, if anything at all. Or sleep for more than half the day away.

In a position where one would kneel at the feet of Jesus to listen, and honestly, it's rather enjoyable. The conflict of Martha and Mary anyone?

It's the pace of the world, or at least this part of the world, to keep running and relaxing comes only once in a while. No wonder so many of us lose ourselves in all that activity. What is the point of forgetting, then remembering, wiping a stray tear away, then back to the process of forgetting until it all simmers to a cool and the forgotten.

God is weird. I just don't get Him at times. He slows me down in a time when everyone's rushing to somewhere. The next meeting, getting projects done, studying, Singapore Idol (if you're lucky), SPX (which happened when I was at camp), camps, National Day, volunteer work, CASS, ccas, and side projects. Go go go on our feet. I've never slowed down like this before.

It's as if there's a million and one things I ought to be doing (the culture gets to you), but He's telling me that He will provide and there will be a time for all that, and time happens to be a provision that will be aplenty if He wills it.

I can't help but feel I'm being tuned to seek first the Word of God before doing anything. No more rash descisions. No point getting frustrated with things you have to decide on. Patience, makes me think of how much of this I've lacked. Running amok in the wrong direction didn't get my anywhere, well, duh.

His Word is harder than diamond, yet more flexible than gum. Laws written in His best interest for us.

Haha, I've received my due punishment for wilfulness and it is now a time of training. Training to listen (that means shutting up) and communicating with God to make the best possible descisions for my life. Thanks for putting me out of my misery. So much energy gone to naught is an upsetting thought anyway.

In my belief, His Word is infallible. Think of it as insurance beyond all policies, one that would come to fear, obey, respect, love and understand. Tis' no time to argue with the non-believers. That'll be addressed sooner or later.

Sometimes, people turn away from the Word because at the end of the day, they've got no time for the Lord, or they're just afraid to surrender whatever they've made of their life to something intangible.

Understandable. I persecute no one.

Okay back to the topic. Thinking of Mary and Martha, I suppose I needed to be kicked out of the Martha mode. Eventually it just got too tiring anyway. Mary was a servant of God the way it was supposed to be. Spiritually, it's a matter of who our master is, innit?

Again maybe that's why. Non-believers have been stripped of trust, simply because it is in a way, a practical form of survival instinct in play. Just goes to show I don't talk without understanding what it's like.

As for who the true master is, everyone's lives are written down already. This line is open to interpretation. There's more to this sentence than meets the eye, more than what our minds can already perceive.

I won't ever want another master. No addictions for me. Maybe that's why a part of me spoke out so strongly against a friend wanting alcohol to cope with a crisis. I never understood why, and part of me took it as a having a personal thing against that, something that your conscience cannot allow. Might've made me sound like a prude, but my mind is made up. I now know why.

The seed was planted when I was 7 (after which another one had to be planted, or was it the same?) Unknowingly, I'd opened up myself and everything I didn't understand to the Lord. Kids do the darndest things.

Who would've known. 9 years would pass and for some reason, I'd never go far beyond where my conscience would allow...

Sit at His feet today. Let wisdom beyond all the comprehension you've been in touch with bless you.

If you're reading this today and made it this far, you've got some kickass attention span to listen to such meditation.

don't say no

2009-06-03T21:04:00.006+08:00

I can barely wait for Shakira's new single... let alone her album.

*breathes* That's okay... good things are worth waiting for... especially for time periods like say, 4 years... I'll be okay...

Hmm, apparently that anxiousness translated to some... extra informacion personal on my Spanish test. I wonder what Antonio would say.

Short write-up on some personal information... name, nationality, languages, home phone, mobile phone number, address, profession, email etc.

Yo me llamo Constance Lim, soy Singapurense. Hablo ingles, chino y un poco espanol, soy estudiante, estudio Teatro y Psicologia. (closest I can find for Applied Drama and Psychology, here it is Theatre and Psychology)

So far so good....

Until Spanish started taking the form of English.

Mi direccion es ... calle ... bloque ... #...

Mi numero de telefono es 6*******, telefono movil es 8*******.

Mi correo electronico es ... @hotmail.com.

Just takes a little concentration and common sense to figure this out.

I wonder how I'll fare. Tsk. I wonder what my classmates wrote. Let's just say everyone was really unprepared.

I still can't believe I wrote something for the "Etc." part of the question.

Me gusta musica latina, porque Shakira es la mejor cantante.

(very rudimentary Spanish, but you have to start somewhere, right? besides, it is personal information... made public)

So... if we were to go with the direct translation, it would be "I like latin music, because Shakira is the best singer"

Praise the Lord! I've mastered a very small portion of the vast language!

Am really starting to love Spanish class beyond Spanish itself. At least the people I sit near to ;)

Oh gosh I think we're so gonna remember each other for freezing in Spanish class, laughing at our incompetence in catching the voice recordings, laughing at each other, trying to help each other out and usually ending up nowhere and getting scolded by Antonio for not asking him in the first place, watch each other get sleepy (class is in the evening), making the most noise in class, then ranting after class and getting to know more about other schools in SP.

Lovely even distribution, we've got people from every school.

Sucks to think we'd only be seeing each other for 2 sems.

Oh well...

English is somehow identical to Spanish. It's strange how I love English as a language, but sometimes all the rules just throw me off and I can't be bothered by the linguistical gymnastics, and I end up thinking "It's not gonna matter unless I actually study it in uni. End of story", yet at other random times, say a hot afternoon, I'd be pondering

"If I know today, what I had known yesterday..."

"If I had known today, what I knew yesterday..."

"If I knew today, what I have known yesterday..."

Shit, I can't remember the right combination. So tell me, if you've read the book and have a photographic memory or happen to have a stronger basis in grammar than I do.

Okay, so English is like having a usual pb and j sandwich, but Spanish is like having it with the condiments on the outside.

Very foreign and exotic, well duh.

It's exciting to get your fingers sticky, but at other times it's frustrating.

For example, por ejemplo,

English: What is the email address of The Sun?

Spanish: Que direccion de correo electronico tiene El Sol?

Direct translation: What email address it has The Sun?

See? (sans marks and upside-down question marks)

It is very tempting to write it as "Que tiene correo electronico de El Sol?"

It would probably confuse a Spanish speaker, just like how the direct translation makes us think of how foreigners are delightfully inadequate in the ways of English, you can actually tell there are quirks in their speech.

I don't have much longer to rely on direct translation.

On the other hand, I'm so glad all that time of listening to Shakira and noting the similarities between English and Spanish in her lyrics paid off. So yeah, I'm not entirely clueless. That's how I can roughly understand what Antonio's saying.

Some of us take Spanish for the practicality.

I just enjoy the language.

It's a world beyond mine, one that is possibly more romantic, passionate and dramatic. There's so much imagery so clearly expressed, that it'd sound corny in English, hence the poetry in my writing. It is influenced by something I don't exactly understand. I'm a stranger sitting tentatively in bated breath, on my host's couch.

Here I go again.

It is perhaps the most beautiful cultural clash I've experienced.

So until I'm trilingual, barely (it'd be Chinese that I'll be struggling with), I'd like to document this journey to the best of my ability.

As for students taking Spanish as a foreign language,

if you have the patience, this is for you:

http://desdecuba.com/generaciony/

and in ingles,

http://desdecuba.com/generationy/

With exposure, you'll get the hang of it. Afterall, it is identical to English.

Helps to learn through song too.

http://www.shakiramedia.com/video/detail/862

Estoy Aqui. That's where I learnt how to say "I'm here". So don't be lost when Antonio asks you if you know the song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_oBpmiJ7tc&feature=related

Inevitable. With English translation, and a live performance. Listenable singers are those with the vocal chops. Preferably multi-talented too.

There will be words that we've already learnt.

Who would I see at the end of our 2 semesters?

sealed

2009-05-22T20:35:00.004+08:00

Writing. We're all inspired by someone. Anyone. Something. Anything.

Now, a combination of keys, and every "Enter" will make a breathless thud. Inspiration drawn from all that I have ever known, at no pressing demand, materialises. Not more what some deem a faceless picture, but to some credit, pointless banter.

All literary merit is incidental.

They've never related, understood? Less so.

It is a law of nature that no life shall be a carbon copy of another. Mimicry is permitted though. Just like how three-leaved clovers, no matter how populous in clusters from Asia to Europe, each one is similar but not the same.

Perhaps writing might induce some notion of understanding. Then again, only those who listen with an open mind will be more likely to go home with enlightenment. I'm a fool. I'm expecting inconclusive, cold judgement to do the impossible.

We all make passing remarks, but we never fully understand. Automatic thoughts spill off one's tongue as fire would consume a building. By then, is it too late?

For some, it has been. I live to tell my story until mankind stops belittling the wisdom of the ancients: The tongue is the most poisonous part of the human body.

Having never expressed this clearly enough, depression is the parasite of the mind. It never has enough; it never eats its fill. By the time it has, all that is left is an empty shell, or memories of the strange fellow who once was.

Some have sold their souls. Similarly, you sell your mind to control. Yes, you control. Unfortunately, you are also controlled.

Not everyone makes a shrewed businessman. There is great potential in the human race. Almost every hour, an idea or a shadow, is born that will someday revolutionise the way we live. Now, if life is about the extremes... there is the extreme alpha good. Then, there is the opposite.

If we are capable of one, we are not incapacitated of the other.

You clutch the sheets of your bed. Keel over. Breathing to keep the body alive, and all else melts away to oblivion. All the drama of teenage angst. At some point, many would feel its trail. Hormones bubbling over the angry effervescence of water on a hot stove. However, less would go to the stage beyond typical rebellion. Even less would perish, but they still do.

So there you go. Dread awaits you everyday, so you live a life so surreal... you're not even sure if you truly exist...

Now, isn't that awful?

Now you know.

just another day

2009-05-22T19:23:00.002+08:00

Had loads of fun today! Erm yeah, sugar highs give you that kinda effect... like, your mind races fast and your body keeps up, or the other way round. Unfortunately, now I'm so hungry I can't remember the last time I felt this hungry. Or sick, or exhausted because of this.

Sugar. Definitely not for champions. It's a not-so-harmful dope... giving you that extra spurt of energy to go vroom! That is of course, besides the fact that everybody seemed a little off today, on the energy chart.

Devised Drama, Lifespan Pysch and Effective Interpersonal Communication was good, except the last seemed like a gossip session, with the lecturer trying to be productive.

Honestly, it's only been more recently that I've noticed that huge potential in this course. I like everything that I'm taught, and yeah its empowering. Ooh, and go Theatre!

So the other highlight of the day was meeting up with Mythili and Sharon. I guess I don't have to explain how much I've missed them and all. Gossiping, bitching (girls bitch, guys feedback), swooning, complaining, discussing, unglam pics, we did em' all.

Aites, enough about my life in motion (which I should really talk more about). We all have something that we want to achieve.

If you don't know this already, this is a conversation I had.

Them: Can you play the cello? Or the violin? Or the piano? Or any musical instrument?

Me: Nope. Haven't got a musical bone in my body (bet you've heard this before so many times)

Them: Can you draw?

Me: Lousy copies, yes. They're still impressions okay!

Them: Can you fight?

Me: As in?

Them: Martial arts... Muay Thai! *squealing*

Me: ... Yeah I can lose.

Them: Dance?

Me: Am the most inflexible person I know. I just can't register physical moves and coordinate.

Yup, I've made myself come off as a complete loser.

Kinda makes me feel that their compliment before was kinda wasted on me.

Of course, then again, I can act, read (okay fine, I like to. Everyone's literate, ya?), sing (to a pathetic extent, but it's better than being tone deaf), and write. I like languages. Sadly, that's about all there is now to me.

I'm not so sure about teaching. Haven't done enough of it. One primary school kid threatens to make me throw in the towel.

Sucks.

Erm yeah, that's under supposedly... special talents. So, let's not count things like being charismatic, leadership etc. That is, until I get a clearer definition. More of, something you can do. A phenotype expressed... Genotype.

It is a time for us to expand that little circle of identity. There is so much in one's genes that Science can never fully decode and now I'm motivated to search within for potential or interests that has eluded me thus far.

Ah, drama. My first love. It is not just a trophy you can win, it is a battle that wages on now and forever as long as oppresion is in existence... but that's for another story.

I want to be better at this, in that. I can never write well enough. Maybe I won't ever. My blogging style has changed so dramatically, it reminds me of Piaget's Theory of Cognitive Development (HA! I GOT IT RIGHT!). Yeah, you know me. When I tell you something I know, you know it gives me great pleasure to enlighten... or confuse. Brand me mischievous or enthusiastic, bubbly (not perky). Okay so anyway, there is a time when toddlers go through trial-and-error learning (if you believe so) before they can achieve control by being able to solve problems like holding a milk bottle.

Same goes. Sensorimotor stage, tis' they call it. Sometimes, I write as if I speak, and I speak as if I write. At other occasions, writing takes a turn for prose or poetic lines... or overdressed content. Awkward, overdramatic, an insightful duh. It's a process where you explore the environment and your reflexes, then build upon that. Shit happens, but the world makes more sense to you when you can navigate better, doesn't it?

A conflict for every stage. We are at the forefront.

not an epic

2009-05-13T23:28:00.006+08:00

This post won't have much structure.

I'm going to try to update regularly. Feed off my writing bug. It's annoying how persistence and inspiration to write or study comes like, at 1130 when I'm supposed to be in bed. Hence, I'm never in bed early.

Well, to all who stereotype poly life as "slack", I suppose you're gonna have to eat crap, or your words, whichever. Now if you know me, you'd understand I'd be sniggering when I say this ;)

Poor Samuel's up to his neck in poly work, and so are some unfortunate souls that I'd rather not know of.

Maybe the real work hasn't come yet. All the crazy schedules and all...

Maybe the real work involves work that you can't see, like actually needing to study your ass off when they don't give you too much work.

Maybe I'm just not feeling so much pressure cuz of the JSS experience (which is everything but the Beyonce experience. Haha if only life was as easy, pleasurable if you want, as watching her unwaveringly shake her booty).

Maybe it is the patience that God has given me... or the patience that I have impatiently waited for God to give me.

I'm not that flustered. I'm very much in control of my own emotions, even though it's that time of the month. No PMS, just a little quieter than usual, quite comfortable with lounging in the background. I'm not particularly pissed when people keep asking me the same questions.

I feel the need to talk about this... porque, I'm crankier than your grandma when she can't find her dentures. On a bad day, the aftermath will look like Mount Vesuvius' exploded. Blood. Lava in a pot of negative emotions, trauma and pretty much nothing left of the tiny settlement at the foot of the volcano.

I need to sleep early. Or earlier. Gawd, it just so happens that my mind's in its most contemplative at this time of the night.

Poly life is okay, for me that is. Having CASS on the "mountain" (ouch!) ensures that you'll get a workout going around campus. Oh well.

I guess I'm not gonna join any other CCAs. Oh to fend off claims that I have been attention-seeking (not in SP though, thank God), I'm finally gonna talk about this.

Well, as much as I still do self-deprecating humour and laugh at my screw-ups a lot, I'm proud to say I'm not afraid to laugh at myself. I can totally parody Constance. Wanna see? So now I'm gonna say, boy am I a bit of a loser to ramble about some fault in the past that has probably forgotten about this by now. No. The hurt went beyond the exterior.

In the words of goth girl Janice when she lashed at Cady in the car that turned around the bend,

"You're a mean girl!"

I feel so ashamed. Yet I'm more than ever shameless. I wouldn't have addressed it like this in the past. And on a public space. At least not making it obvious enough that it (you hear me, IT) is a female (the more diabolical of the homos sapiens) and from my past, in a wretched present and self-imposed gloom-and-doom future.

Sometimes, I feel more sympathy than hatred and ridicule for you.

How is it true that you can do this. Are you the antagoniser, or the representation of my conflicts? I believe, both.

Oh how you give my insecurities and terrestial foes a face.

A dog-like face. Then again, it would be an insult to dogs.

First and foremost, yes to some extent, aren't we all attention seeking?

Could you, in all the honesty you have left in that little primordial skull, accede that in a bid to seek attention by creating negative attention and then directing it to so many others, you yourself, have given the game away? Yet, you are ever so unaware.

Aww, you don't even bother to give me ingratiating smiles. What a pity.

I'm just speaking to the past I guess... I don't even know where you are right now, whose life you're attempting (you've never succeeded) to ruin. Or maybe, time and maturity would make a direct correlation.

Oh well, in every high school drama, we all need an antagoniser. How cleverly you've played your role. Ooh did I mention that, somehow, statistics also show that 95% of the people you know will also fail to understand why he or she is your antagoniser and assume that you've lost it. Well I did lose it, but that's besides the point.

Guess what hun?

I am attention seeking.

YES I AM ATTENTION SEEKING.

LOOK AT ME!

I HAVE THIS BLOG. THIS IS MY SPACE TO TALK AS AND WHEN I LIKE IT. I WILL SAY THINGS I WILL REGRET BUT SCREWING UP IS A PART OF LIFE THAT I'M READY TO ACCEPT.

I HAVE THIS BLOG ALSO TO GARNER READERS. I FEEL HONOURED THAT PEOPLE READ. I'M NOT AFRAID TO SPEAK. I WON'T CENSOR MYELF THE WAY I USED TO DO. I WANT TO SHARE EVERYTHING I'M PASSABLY GIFTED (YAY GOD!) AT WITH THE WORLD, BECAUSE GOOD THINGS WERE MEANT TO BE SHARED. GOD GAVE TO ADAM, EVE, SO HE COULD SHARE THE FRUITFUL, BEAUTIFUL GARDEN WITH HER. SEE?

I SKIP IN PUBLIC SHAMELESSLY, AS YOU MIGHT HAVE SAID IT. WELL, I WANT TO. IT IS MY FREEDOM AS A CITIZEN. MY LEGAL AUTONOMY. SUE ME IF YOU HAVE THE MONEY AND LACK THE MATURITY. GO. SUE ME FOR EVERY POSSIBLE MOVE I MAKE. HAVEN'T YOU ALREADY ATTESTED TO YOUR CRONIES AND NON-BELIEVERS?

CHILDREN SKIP WHEN THEY ARE HAPPY. FORGIVE ME FOR INDULGING IN ALL CHILDLIKE JOY, EVERY EXCUSE TO BE HAPPY, THAT YOU HAVE BEEN DEPRIVED OF. MAYBE THAT IS WHY YOU ARE ALWAYS SO FULL OF REMORSE AND MALICE. FORGIVE ME FOR TRYING TO CHEER MYSELF UP. WHOSOEVER SAID I CAN'T MAKE THE SUN SHINE FOR ME? OR AT LEAST TRY TO?

THAT, IS THE LEAST OF HOW YOU HAVE WRONGED ME. AND YES I AM IN DRAMA BECAUSE I LOVE ATTENTION LIKE THIS. IT'S HEALTHY ATTENTION THAT MAKES ME MORE CONFIDENT OF MYSELF, PLAYING A ROLE THAT MOST HAVE NEVER COME INTO CONTACT WITH, SPEAKING WHEN IN CHARACTER WHEN I AM CRIPPLED IN PERSON.

I'm a diva like this. I'm a self-professed drama queen. I couldn't keep my emotions in before.

Thank God... you have always failed in dragging souls into your bottomless pit. You, have made us stronger, You, have brought us together. You, have made us fighters.

Reverse psychology? You bet.

Of course, you can't do all that. Don't give yourself so much credit, we all have lives that preferably include other obstacles.

You and your cronies. You and everyone like you.

Speak if you would. Nobody has ever spammed me in a negative fashion, and I don't see why they should. If they do, all I can say is, idiots refute all reason.

That is, beyond the scope of me apologising for mistakes I've made, of course.

You have silenced me for so long.

Today, I will silence you. Maybe not. He who is in the heavens and on earth shall pass judgement.

I am imperfect, hence my following statements...

Oh, I've learnt this in Spanish class:

Estupido. Loco. Idiota.

And this from the TIME magazine on how Indians feel after terrorists bombed Mumbai:

SCREW YOU.

I shall now enjoy this triumph of mine, bask in all the attention my diva-ish self so hungrily feeds on.

Go God!

2009-05-08T20:55:00.004+08:00

I need to get my act together.

Thank God I'm still not as busy as my friends' in SP/other polys' courses. Or JC.

Thank God I didn't go to JC. It's not for me, an A levels' cert is not worth what JC students cough up. Well, that's just me. Of course poly's gonna get tougher than the honeymoon I'm in now, but yeah.

I'm still a good girl, I pay attention when I have to, the homework (or am going to get to that), extra reading (not a lot on psych/lifespan/applied drama yet), do my fair share of work in presentations, agonise with my group mates over choosing to use applied drama to teach Science, am still complaining (but not that much, and doing it for the sake of amusement), sharing unbroached topics with a bunch of people I've known for only 3 weeks...

Damn I'm getting bolder by the day. Refreshing as rain over the southwestern desert, where parched earth melts away and cacti blossom. For someone who's been in so many shells (not to say I'm not in one now...), at least those that do me more harm than good, it's... it's...

Breathtaking.

I love being a part of this world. This is my reality now, the way I choose it to be. It's a delicate balance, in tandem with other worlds. We're on one planet, but on the expanse of blue, white, green and surprising man-made brown, there are many more worlds than we know of. Geography reminds me of how I constantly failed at that dumb textbook munching subject, mostly because my sense of direction was (and still is) atrocious.

Okay that's not the point. I've dropped Geog since Sec 2 and can navigate better in Shakespeare's crummy elizabethan speak and sexual tendencies in his plays. Oh my. So anyway, I'd like to think of myself as having a different view. I will go the other way with a compass, no matter where you put me, but if I were to test you my way, you'd be lost halfway through my question.

On hindsight, that probably explains why I'm a difficult person.

Thinking planet Earth... the Himalayas, Amazon, Mongolian Steppes, Northern Lights, Antarctic.

Narrowing down... Singapore City, indigneous Maori and Inuit, Moscow, Arizona, Brussels.

In detail... Mexican drug cartels, North Korea's showcase Pyongyang, Bullfighting rings in Spain, Cherry Blossoms in full bloom in Japan and Washington, Chinese New Year in Shanghai.

Zoom... An old lady getting mugged in London's mean streets, wageslaves on the Shinkansen, rubbing noses in Africa, Mas Selamat's capture, I step on chewing gum even though it's banned in Singapore.

More... She goes home fearful for the night, they are exhausted and trapped on the cycle, they are pleased and they flash an endearing smile, Home Team resuscitated in the cynical public's image, and guess what? I'm bloddy pissed. For once I'm glad they banned chewing gum cos sods like the jerk who glued the masticated piece of rubber with his spit to the ground ought to have chewing gum stuck to his nose.

Snap! She thinks about her son who is far away in the U.S, they have a reputation and a living to eke out, they are getting married, we are relieved, and now I'm sitting here, telling you all this. Is it realistic? Why not?

That camera-zoom and focus is to illustrate how there are worlds beyond ours. Of course, how you define 'world' is another matter. Makes me think about how everyone's got their own lives and, we're not so much living in seclusion, even if we want to be. One way or other, you're not really a hermit because your world (let's say you are one living in the mountains) is still in contact with nature. The valleys, the sun, the crazy altitude. Adapting in limbo. The earth shakes as if to scratch and shake off a pesky flea as a dog would. More subtle changes like rock wearing away to nothing also makes an impact. Now, you're living on a mountain. So when the earth speaks, you still respond. Do you move to a different spot with a easier access to a water source?

Damn I sound like a tree-hugging hippie now, but ever since Claire spoke of the idea of how when every muscle and nerve of our body is connected, anything out of place would disrupt the system. In a disruption, it can be as mild as your voice sounding funny... or as bad as getting lung cancer. Your conscious, subconscious and unconscious are a system of their own and in each other...

Everything that shapes you physically, mentally and spiritually.

Organs in your body.

Body in skin.

Blood in passage.

Person in comfort of home.

Person in need.

Person has freedom to give as much as he likes.

Person has friends and family and acquaintances.

Person has status.

Person has different priorities.

Person who goes to church on Sundays.

Person who has aspirations.

Person who is an inspiration.

Person who makes the world a better place.

Person who knows of other persons and how they too have this and more that you are not aware of.

See? I made good use of my holiday.

My world is no longer resistant to change but it doesn't always have to enjoy it. Flexible, tolerating, self-discovering, patient, tearing off hair at ends, laughing at every possible moment, a dose of freedom. It is letting go, especially of hatred. It still trusts, but not so blindly because it wears spectacles now. It's a world of quirky contrast, a paradigm and unashamed silliness. Oh and it's aware and should be allowed moments of drama that makes no sense at all.

Okay I should stop now. This post isn't getting any better.

Writing has been so thereupathic. I'm still obsessing over how everything can be one step closer to perfect. In the end, it's still trial and error. It got me to this stage of writing (this still isn't very good), it got me to finding true friends, and realising what is it that I really cannot stand.

I digress. There's a lot on my mind lately, but not enough to lock me away.

Oh gosh. My world has to go study other worlds now... Psychology and Lifespan Psychology. Freud is sexually obsessed. I totally digressed again.

Just to let you know, I've been beginning to read novels again, at least 30 minutes a day. People just don't update good blogs very often because they have lives. I take Spanish classes and I've joined Theatre Compass! Drama Olé!

Recently, instead of doing some really hardcore studying, I'm just adjusting, having fun and tying up the loose ends about myself. I know I'll have to continue the path to never-ever self-actualisation while studying, but hey. I've nearly lost my mind before, so all that work half a year fixing what I screwed up is worth it.

Well, today, I'm in SP studying Applied Drama and Psychology. I'd rather be stressed by Drama in Education than PW. Bugged by juggling the terms in Learning (Psych) than O level Math. This is the choice I made. For I have never had this much conviction and control, I'm not about to waste it.

3 weeks into school, I have yet to regret. I'm not about to do so, be it 3 weeks or 3 years.

2009-04-22T19:55:00.003+08:00

It's been 3 official days of school.

I'm doing this to track my progress. Okay, quite sure I'll be loving what I'm gonna learn, yet somehow be driven mad at the same time. Nothing new.

Gonna need all the help I can get. Can safely say I'm ready for the real work. Honestly, I'll never get people who have to go to class, and realise that they don't want to do anything and just wanna be stuck at home for the next few years or so. The holidays were meant for you to do some prepping, not dread the coming days. It's like.. wasting your holiday and the past 5 months away.

Course
Lessons
Lecturers
Director

Sucks to have a lot on your mind at times. It silences you on the outside, and it won't stop talking on the inside. So yes, from the time orientation ended, it's happened.

Such is seeing things clearer than before, but feeling daunted by everything you see. Total teenagerdom. I guess that's why E-von said adolescence is the most troubling time of your life, cuz it's a time you have to give yourself a definition, an identity. Some of us struggle, some of us breeze through it with uh, blissful ignorance.

Again I find myself walking the line. I've been at this so many times already, but why am I so hesitant now? I'm functioning very well with say, only one person, or two other people. Shitz, gotta figure this out. Is it but an irrational fear? Part of me fear being judged, among other things, you are only really lonely when you feel alone in a big group.

Well as much as I'm studying psychology, all this... and the environmental factors, social cues, prejudices... I wonder if I'll actually be self-actualised. (No way Jose.)

Now, I'm just feeling bad I couldn't comprehend how Hongwei felt before, so I wasn't of much help. Sorry dude... gonna try my best anyway, with what I know.

At least I'm quite sure of God's instructions for me now... well only the ones I'm picking up.

I'm hiking where the road is long, the mountain high, the terrain treacherous.

Have I grown up too fast? Well, if I were to assess myself, it's in my nature and experience that I had to, for foolishness leads to demise. You'd be laughing at how rosy my world in an oyster used to be, and yet it still is.

Sometimes I don't get teenage emoness, it puts me off, yet somehow I understand it, I do it myself, I discourage it, I encourage expression, what a place to be.

And would you think I'm emo now?

Guess what, I refuse to be labelled as that right now. It is not a suitable description for this under-control mess in my head. I'm coping well. I have all the support I need. It's really just a matter of who's on the inside, and who's on the outside.

Note: Am only really emo when it's that time of the month. Emo means unnecessarily, unexplainably, nonsensical, unwarranted sadness. To think it's such a misnomer at times, simply because there's no other way teenage minds can express it.

On a different note... here's my take.

To all teens out there who keep complaining your life is boring.. I totally agree with Hon Beng (excellent director). My teenage life has never been unexciting, simply because I choose to make it not so.

Things don't always happen to you, but you can make sure they do.

So much for complaing life is "sian." and "more sian."

GET OUT THERE. THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD WAITING.

For you? Not necessarily.

No matter how much I've screwed up my life before, it's so much better than to just ... sit back and do nothing. Nothingness leads to more nothingness. At least what you do is a result of your actions, not a result of inaction. Trial and error. When you get there, it will be the second most beautiful place to be, the first being Heaven. The ardous journey would sometimes prove unbearable, but you've got to stop and smell the roses and the stinky friends who have always been with you, persisting with you til the end. Partner-in-crime or fellow crimefighters, give them the credit they deserve.

For every wound, there's a salve. Sometimes when you do something as silly as say, when you cut your finger, there might be someone to kiss where it hurts. It doesn't take the pain away, oh, but pain is more pleasurable like this. Okay I'm not masochistic/sadistic or anything, but really... knowing that they are there for you to cushion a fall, it's worth the fall.

God is good to me. Amen to that, continously. I might not be as 'fortunate' to get away with some things in life (hey, He's not responsible for THAT), but He makes sure I'm clothed, fed, studying, sane and living a meaningful life.

Oh, for when your eyes are opened, you won't like everything you see, granted. Just as we're told to live life the age we are, it doesn't mean we should stop believing in some worthy cause as a child should. Sincerity is still a virtue. The world needs a little bit of you. Guess what, as faith, love and trust are interlinked, eventually, imperfections are more beautiful than when you have initially perceived them to be.

Good, that's out of my system.

Could've wrote this one better... oh well. *publish*

Where?

2009-04-20T22:46:00.005+08:00

I'm feeling like a little bit of inspiration...

Put me in your backpack

Together we will

We can

Travel the world,

You and I.

Catch a falling one and

Put into your pocket,

Never let it fade away.

For every apple that falls,

Enlightenment it bestows.

Wisdom pertaining to

The mysteries of life

We hold in our hand.

The less we know the better?

I beg to differ.

Putting in that little bit of

Inspiration

Comes forth a pouring rapid;

Mona Lisa, Oliver Twist and the Moonwalk.

Relativity, Plato and everything that goes BOOM!

No matter what the motivation

No matter what the circumstances

No matter what the consequences

What all of us need

Is that little bit.

It's here somewhere,

but I'm such a scatterbrain,

I've think i've lost it.

Eluded sight,

Memory and pleading

Left in all that confusion and urgency.

Oh wait,

I remember now.

It's in my backpack.

At the back of my mind,

In the boot of my car,

In Picasso's paintings,

Uh,

It's black and white,

Colours more vivid than light.

Lost in time travel,

Bending all of space and physical laws.

For a song, my song,

But for nothing else in the world,

My little bit of

Inspiration.

I am esctatic.

Now... I can get to work

Fluid as the Magdalena,

Beauty unsurpassed,

No constellation outshines it,

My muse returns.

Heralding my next invention,

The next song I will write,

The greatest discovery to be made.

How to placate a fuming woman,

How to bring peace to the Middle East.

I looked for you up and down,

Earth, heaven and my heaven.

Now I found you.

All because I started,

Looking in my backpack,

Where I put it,

And there it shall always be,

My little bit of

Inspiration.

Full Circle

2009-04-13T00:58:00.004+08:00

This is gonna be a short post to end my writer's block. Decipher if you must, though it's confusing me too. Or, let the words flow as music would in a private studio at night.

*****

Disillusion is caused by illusion. Who really gives birth to ambiguity?

Philosophers, questionable sub-species of Homo Sapiens. She hears silence and nothing else, but he is audience to a riot. You seek, hence I question. I seek, but you question more. You are my answer. What's yours?

My love for you spans across languages. Even, if I were blessed with the gift of the Babelfish, infinite vocabulary and beyond would never suffice for a song for you and of you. So, I never write poetry.

*****

Yesterday she was here. She hardly faltered. She pries into my visually, logically helpless head. 2 hours of working at that damned thing. Her work was eventually rewarded, but she doesn't know. Grace, amazing Grace.

Closer to today than yesterday, You were here. You never faltered. You, Omniscient One, saw me. A lifetime of eternity working at that damned thing. Your work is rewarded in the past, present and future tenses. I bet You know it too. Lord, Grace, my Amazing Grace.

In fact, you'd happen sooner, a step faster than the next second, a leap before tomorrow.

*****

Is there no justice in this world? I tremble in fear and anticipation of my thoughts. I am their mistress, but I am also at the mercy of my mind.

Life imitating art imitating life. I slipped. I'd rather live in art, or so I thought. Catch you in the next production or the painting next door.

Laugh if you must. And laugh they did. For every vibration that comes from resonating laughter, I understand that your criticism, aurally, needs no Simon Cowell.

Pain ranges from a ticklish scab to a searing scald.

Lingua franca, inane failure! Many tongues in one universal speech, but nobody understands the other, since the beginning of the end of the Tower. Unfortunately, nobody ever minds their own business anymore.

We have nothing more to fear than fear itself. Wait, isn't fear a product of fear?

*****

I choose to be aware. I choose to listen. I choose a path out of Fear.

I became aware, a welcome visitor stays in my heart. I listened, His voice louder than all depressing distractions. I chose Peace.

A carnival inside of me. One that is more colourful, louder, livelier and more celebration than Mardi Gras and Barranquilla put together.

I was colour-blind, deaf, bedridden and an overstayer at the psychiatrist.

From Peace onwards, You changed it all.

*****

Love, in all I see. Love... love... words elude me. Who invented this wondrous entity? I must personally shake His hand.

Love is an overpowering emotion that seeps into you as water would a sponge. I want to be the second most emotional person in the world.

I'd let You and you, be the most emotional.

*****

LIFE! is art itself. This is my conclusion, my theory of relativity. Never seperate. There is art in life, and life in art. My dear I shall never stumble when I put on my glasses.

*****

From 1.15 Am to 1.50 Am, from 1.50 Am to 1.15 Pm, 1.15 Pm to 1.50 Pm, 1.50 Pm to 1,15 Am, so on and so forth. My mind centres around You.

You who gave birth to all from the beginning, O Creator. Apparently, You're also the maker of my beginnings.

Eventually, my ends.

Maybe for You there is no concept of Time, only Beginning, In Between and End.

I still have to live in the human world, so in everything I do,

I'll go full circle for You.

*****

thinking twice

2009-03-21T15:17:00.002+08:00

How old are we really?

Nevermind that silly facebook quiz, who knows I might be an old woman in a 17 year old body. Or a chimp in humanoid form.

HAHA, celebrating Jasmine, Rebecca and Samuel's birthday made me realise one thing: While we (2009 17 year olds) were gloating about having passed the 16 hurdle (access to NC-16 movies yeah!), it appears to be um, not much of a big deal when Jas and Rebs are like, 18 this year.

Sure, as long as you're above 16 in Singapore, you can have consensual sex. 18, commercial sex. Not like I'm encouraging promiscuity or anything, but I guess being trusted with this responsibility makes some us feel all self-important. Like me getting my own laptop! Ho yeah! *cuddles laptop*

Anyway, besides feeling all grown-up and even the Man has given you a say over your own body, question is, being seen as old enough in the eyes of the law ... are we really as old as they would like us to think we are? Well, they've got to generalise. It's culture at work and labelling is ultimately the best way to get around it, along with advisory prevention and protection.

Did I mention how much that ad on the MRT with a pregnant teen girl and what appears to be a trail of blood from her navel creeps me out? Man it gives me the heebie jeebies.

Well, I might be old enough to paint my nails without my mother objecting. Oooh and they're a lovely plum and vermillion. Faceshop.

Back to the point. I'm old enough to paint my nails and so I do. Unfortunately, I'm not skilful enough and I get nail varnish all over my cuticles and finger. Good thing is, for something like that, there's always a nail polish remover and a wad of soft cotton.

As for having had sex, well I guess they have stitch-up surgery if you want your virginity back. Unfortunately for everything else where STDs, unwanted pregnancy, pride, social stigma, trauma (if there's any), any side effects, any regrets... well they haven't invented a remover for that.

Oh and I think German people are real smart. Einstein was German, but he switched sides. Hey, who would've known the top Nazi brains and brilliant minds were that good? Hitler made sure somebody shot them before they surrendered so nobody could get to the Nazi technology. Mmhmm so they went beyond the V2 rocket. Gotta love em' documentary channels.

So anyway, some of them got away and were scattered across North and South America. Now that's a fact. As for whether the Nazi UFO Conspiracy is true, well, after watching that documentary, I'm starting to lean towards the fact that UFOs might just as well be terrestrial.

Now, I just thank God for the balance. Gosh, can't imagine what would've happened if the Nazis had more time to develop their prototypes. Of course, according to the documentary, the Americans took over and had those developed and then made a cover-up story that UFOs were from outer space.

Techonology's sweet but shit happens if it falls into the wrong hands.

Speak

2009-03-21T00:54:00.004+08:00

Wow I'm still running on another late night, a rumbling tummy and a sliver of inspiration, I write.

Remembering how E-von (yes I'm going to have to do without the Jiejie, at least here. Especially when you know, her age isn't too far away from mine.. just a decade shy) asked me if I wrote stories and poetry, I said no. Well as for poetry and fantasy writing, I can't write something that isn't real to me and especially not something that you never knew could be bound by so many rules.

Well, not anymore. Maybe I could when I was little, but not now. Probably never in the future.

Maybe after being a lit student, with a lack of confidence, I know poems, haikus (gosh I don't understand the beauty of those) and the like could never materialise in ink. I hate feeling like an amateur in this case, like how I never showed anyone else what I wrote, after Mrs Aidil nearly read my compo to the sec 4 class. Then, you'll never see 'Peace' again, cuz it'd probably be in the Tuas landfill by now.

At least hardly anyone got to read it.

Then again, is what I wrote worth being in the rubbish heap with yesterday's apple cores and last year's soured milk? Unfortunately, the A she gave me is also there. Kinda sorry about that now. Not like I'm showing off or anything, cuz I'm not really in the mood for that right now. Yes I now show you I'm shameless like that, hehs.

Reminds me oh how I used to keep diaries and then tear out the pages from dissatisfaction. The rest of the pages would be used as scrap paper for Math. Boy did I use a lot of those.

Again I question myself, I've been in internal conflict about this for a long time.

Am I ashamed of what I wrote?

Maybe not. I don't blame a celebrity who's gone bananas and thinks all belongs to the King himself, and by that I mean the biggest boss (and gut) of rock n roll. Kinda like a different mirror of virtual reality I might say.

Is there anything really wrong with that?

To play with the different perspectives of the lunatic, the doctors and the lawyer was my main purpose, and man it makes me so proud to think I would've thought of that. I guess I threw it away during the time I cleaned up my sec sch things because I was afraid of exposing the flaws in the composition, which would amount to the flaws in my delivery and ultimately my mind.

I spent 3 hours writing that. Well Shakira did say giving birth is not without delivery pains. I spent 30 minutes on edge as Mrs Aidil scrutinised what appears to be a doctor's handwriting on my compo, and you had no idea how I was scared shitless. I took only 3 minutes to decide that it should go with my Math homework, into the rubbish.

Now I know why I frequently have nightmares of being publicly naked (especially last year) and running away, hiding behind every imaginary pillar.

Apparently, that's the sign of being afraid of people knowing your weaknesses and a sleepytime manifestation of escapism.

Oh Mdm Priya, it didn't just happen in drama, it happened in my sleep too.

I guess it's got more to do than shyness and being a perfectionist.

I believe in artistic therapy more than ever. It is true that what you draw, write, play might reflect your emotional state of mind and becomes a peep-hole to the vast reaches of the lock-under-chain mind.

Now I shall reconstruct my essay:

Peace

Lawyer with a latino last name goes into a hospital. The walls outside are grey concrete. The air inside is ... clinical and the corridor foreboding. By the vending machine, he adjusts his tie and makes sure he looks as professional as possible. He's in his business suit and polished shoes.

He is taken to his client where they are supposed to discuss his will. Mr. Celebalooney (not his real name, I couldn't remember what I named him) was to name the successors to his estates and royalties. As he enters the ward, Mr C. is having an episode (and he's singing an offpitched 'Hound Dog') and all the doctors and nurses are trying to restrain him. Mr C. appears to calm down and return to his senses when he sees his lawyer. Doctors and nurses are relieved.

Lawyer begins discussion with a dishevelled Mr C.. For a while he seems to understand, and reassures him that he's okay, then he starts to enlighten his lawyer. He insists he doesn't have any children and all his money should be given to Elvis whose address was the North Pole. Lawyer tries to reason with him but thinks he's really lost it and the paperwork has to be postponed.

Mr C. starts losing it again. Outside, the paparazzi a la Britney Spears' case is gathering outside and causing chaos.

Lawyer contemplates the situation and ponders the question of reality and society.

When he's done, he sees nurses dragging him to the solitary confinement room. Mr C. sings a different Elvis tune.

Lawyer is convinced that Mr C. is at peace in his disorganised mind and away from the world.

He straightens his suit and heads to door, seeing the world differently from when he came in.

When I write essays, they usually start with real life questions and situations as inspiration, then grow into a readable story, with the fictional characters and happenings mirroring or parodying non-fiction elements.

I suppose, with all that stress and all, I was beginning to question what was real. People telling me that this and that is real, how would I know if they didn't seem real to me anymore?

Sometimes I felt like Mr C.. Who knows I might be better off living in my own world, though it had consequences, especially stemming from isolation.

I might be as judgemental and cruel as the paparazzi, because reality was not for the individual to decide, but the masses. Oh my, what would brainwashing do.

Most of the time I felt the answers were always hanging in the balance. We'd never know, but do we have to pick a side? Now that's the lawyer's opinion. Common sense isn't exactly Sherlock Holmes beyond the superficial.

Nevertheless, eventually I settled for a good-enough answer, then with God, the best answer anyone could give me.

Through writing and re-writing, I learnt what Cambridge might've been really pissed with, but maybe our trails, like careless footsteps cemented in wet cement, can't keep the cat in the bag.

Artists and creative geniuses (think Van Gogh) were always plagued by stigma and overwhelming emotions that were felt more than two-fold of the not-as-sensitive majority.

Like people who don't know how to play any musical instruments, when musicians speak at length about musical elements that make up their music or compositions, you know when you dont understand, you're left out. Hence, they're in a world that is incomprehensible and unreachable to those who do not have the skeleton key. Same goes to artists or people who've gone off the rocker.

While the majority writes them off as basketcases who are too over-emotional, I guess, I'm taking a stand for them.

For even when I'm generally at peace, there will still be some to insist I am just about as unstable as a house of cards.

Layers and interpretations, that's the good thing about being a lit student. Eventually, you'll see how in a lot of writings, there's more than meets the eye and less than we'll ever uncover.

Just as some of us choose to believe that Elvis is very much alive today, who says he doesn't still live on in our music and in our hearts?

mmmhmmm.

2009-03-20T23:47:00.005+08:00

Huiyi and I once had this conversation,

She said, "Why do people have to be two-faced? It just makes life more difficult for everyone. Why can't they just be themselves?!!". And yes, she sounded positively frustrated.

So I said,

"Don't be silly now. If they were to just be themselves, everyone would know they're assholes".

Hmm. Well, you can't deny that's almost half the explanation.

Next, Sam got me this job where I had to transcribe one hour of tape for 30 bucks. Honestly, I had no problem catching on to the (boring) recorded interview, but I had to listen to some parts for a few times.

Samuel: You should stop procrastinating! Get back to transcribing. (yes I haven't completed one tape yet.) Pray to the Lord for the patience and persistence, it's the fruit of the spirit!

So I said,

"Tomorrow lah."

Procrastinators unite!

Besides the fact that I'm procrastinating and my mother's out of town... I painted my nails.

Oh gosh I miss her so. Not just because she's away, but mostly because the boys (yes, my dad has crossed the line) at home are driving me crazy.

Isn't there like, an obedience school badly-behaved-around-the-house males should go to?

1. They make messes they don't realise.

2. They don't clean up after their messes.

They were just about as clueless as fattened chickens headed towards the KFC supply chain.

3. They expect everybody without a (crude but I have to say it) penis to do everything else for em'.

I gotta admit this, but they can't freaking order pizza over the phone, try to reheat pizza, attempt reheating pizza without realising the switch is on 'OFF' (and wondering why the toaster's all screwed up), make porridge for dinner etc.

Oooh and this one takes the cake.

Pretty much all the chores are left to me and wow, I have to stay up to wait for the washing machine to be done washing so that I can hang up the clothes. Talk about selfish and this time, I mean it. While not incapable of doing the laundry (which is fold or hang), I'm really starting to think they're overly-dependent on my mama.

So it went like this,

My dad pushed the laundry to me and I did um, probably 4 days worth of laundry. Getting pissed off and rebelling against sheer laziness only got me an annoying little snoot telling me off,

"YEA! You should be more responsible!"

Uh-huh. For anyone who still think he's cute, I swear I'm going to slap your face with my brother's damp underwear.

You have been warned. May common sense be with you.

Which reminds me how pissed off I was at dinner cleaning up their messes. it just so happened my brother gave me another passing quip...

"If you have time, you should go do some chores *snooty act-cute face*".

Somebody kill me.

Some chocolate later, I cooled down.

Haiz. This is why if I have kids, I need to have at least one daughter. I don't know how mums can live without another female if they don't have daughters.

Yes, I believe my family would be a wreck without my mama around. Oh she's always there to make sure things are tip-top and shipshape. The loving, responsible custodian of the house, I'm so glad she's coming back tomorrow.

Sigh, I guess it's been written in history. Men have conspired (oooh and ganged up by ignoring the chores and lounging their fat asses in front of the tv) since the beginning of time to push everything seemingly domestic to women.

I don't know what to say. I'm just glad I have a mother that keeps my sanity alive before belligerence takes over. Ironically, she's usually the one killing it.

At least my dad has been civil to me and not buay song cuz I didn't do as he said immediately (yes I had to do it anyway). Oh well, who would figure out how to work the toaster!

Sometimes, all they had to do was pretty much... um, move. Sedentary. But what d'you know, when they got to using their nougets,

*few minutes of inspection*

"HEY this thing is on 'OFF!'"

"I think, we should do this... *turns knob*"

"LOOK! THE TOASTER'S LIGHTING UP!"

This is why men take women for granted. Especially in everyday situations.

Of course if you're not one of these guys, you got nothing be ashamed of. So don't tell me I'm generalising here. The innocent walk free. The guilty... Thou shalt be judged by PMS-ing housewives with formidable rolling pins.

And so in Mr and Mrs Smith,

Brad Pitt said, "You underestimate me, Jane"

then Angelina Jolie said, "John, you couldn't find the keys even if you had a map and a compass."

At least it's how I remember it, or want to remember it.

We're girls with horror stories. Do tell!

instant alphabet soup

2009-03-09T18:44:00.005+08:00

It's my 96th post! Heh heh, coming towards the 100th. I haven't had a good enough post in a long long time. Oh the laziness bug and the writer's block.

The weather turned on the nose tap today. Non-stop sneezing, sniffing and leaking. Too bad there ain't no plumber for this.

It's gone from perpetually windy for a week, to scorching sun, pouring sheets, mild, once-a-day-rain, then interchangeably wet or humid.

Sharon's 17th birthday! Maybe it's not so strange after all that time would pass so fast, like, tomorrow the whole bunch of us would be 27, then 77. Looking at Stephanie's schedule while I'm basically lazing around, it does feel sorta crazy that it was only a few months ago that I was busier than that.

I saw the neighbour I've not seen in months since his sister's wedding an hour ago. A little ironic how I see my neighbour less often like this. So near yet so far. Got a little wistful thinking how one day, we'd all move out, leaving the parents with the whole house to themselves.

A passing thought... It seems to me that whenever anyone is angry, he who seems to have no more vocabulary than a country bumpkin, spews out words Shakespeare has never heard of.

In other words...

A girl who looks just about as deep as Jessica Simpson (Nick Lachey: I swear if you get fat, this marriage is so over), speaks like Brooke Shields, in fact, say it in the most serious tone possible (Smoking kills. When you die, you've lost a very important part fo your life) would, I don't know...

wax lyrical in emo 'masterpieces' and use words like 'cognoscente', with atrocious grammar in the next sentence. Wordsworth would be so proud.

I know I've said this before, but I've had a bit of a breakthrough. Do people feel the need to show their superiority in a conflict as a cat would do by making its fur stand on end, just so they could have a more threatening appearance? Oh, the things we do to have an upper hand and act like we know what we're talking about.

When people you know are naturally bravura in self-expression (heh, thank God I don't see people like these too often), or just trying to blow up like a pufferfish, sometimes you can't help but wonder: Before you typed that self-righteous admonishment, I bet you picked a random word from Dictionary.com.

When a noun is confused for a verb in plain pissed-offness (Constance speak!), oh how we blasphemise the innocent bystander, literally shooting the messenger (English Language) instead of the sender (Who you're pissed off at). Sacrilegous! (Oooh repetition!)

No reticence now, oh I feel empowered by something I barely understand!

Get it? Now that's why I don't check Dictionary.com as often, due to lack of flavour. Yeah feel free to study this post for A level's GP eh Hairil. The sun is yet again at the windowsill of the world. We'll see if you'll be calling me up for cheem phrases before your exam.

Did I mention the song which goes 'Mah heart is damaged, damaged, daaaamaged ..' is plain annoying. If a lover has given yourself a heart attack, then that's too bad, please don't sing about it like that.

Its one of those songs when you ask: Who the hell gives it heavy airplay?

Why is everyone born in March?!! I've got like 4 birthdays at hand. "Ni ma bu shi ying cao piao de hor!"

Speaking of my mother, she says more than she should, especially to little children. No wonder we lose patience with her.

You don't tell a kid whose got his lovely pencil case vandalised on purpose by someone he doesn't know that the girl who did it is being ridiculous and should stop trying to attract my brother with her inappropriately coquettish way of showing a twisted sense of attraction masked in arrogance.

I hate it when she jumps to conclusions. Undermines the victims and it proudly displays our need to be always right and judgemental without knowing the full story. Gosh, what if the victims don't even know if she's wrong cuz she's never as right as she says she is.

Doesn't matter now, as for me, I'm learning not to be that way, especially during the course of last week...

singapour mon amour

2009-03-02T12:48:00.003+08:00

Hokay, before I forget, here's what I saw on the MRT...

Okay you gotta picture this for yourself. The account is based on first impression.

They looked North Indian.

They were both in front of me and didn't seem to be able to tear their eyes off each other.

Let's see, the guy seems to be in his early twenties and he was in a pair of jeans, a white tee and a denim jacket. He had very well-defined features - skin the colour of melted milk chocolate and a delicate chin and a nose Michael Jackson would pay millions for. There was a mass of jet-black hair atop his David Henrie lookalike face.

http://images.google.com.sg/images?sourceid=navclient&rlz=1T4HPAB_enSG240SG241&q=david+henrie&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=cGurSceLL9XJkAXCiuXkDQ&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&resnum=4&ct=title

Ha, for those who have Disney Channel at home, you'd know what I mean.

Digressing: Damn you Jonas Brothers! This is what a real heartthrob is like.

Of course, that's besides the fact that it felt so dreamlike. It was a case of 'Wow you look better in person than on TV'.

(Up til now, I hope I haven't got any guy friends who are contemplating emo-ing in one corner or letting their egos loose)

The girl, erm, strangely, has the same hair and skin colour. She has doe eyes and full coloured lips. Oh and lovely shaped brows. Not tranny-ish, but very elegant. She was in this erm, African tribal-inspired dress and definitely carried it off very well. Now I know why angmoh women pay a lot for Indian hair. I tells ya, it was sleek, shiny and cascades in thick gentle curls.

(Okay girls don't start looking in the mirror now. It ain't gonna change anything. To prevent any broken self-esteem or image issues, just let me say: You can't really say if someone is beautiful if you've never seen them up close and very often. First impressions are after all, first impressions. Plus, nobody's ever beautiful without abnormalities. If they're acceptable to look at, it just means they're pretty, but not beautiful. Okay that's enough for damage control)

So yeah, the pair looked like a dream couple that just jumped out of Bollywood movie. She buttons his denim jacket for him in a loving fashion and he proceeds to put his arms around her.

They speak in a language I can't understand, but boy does it sound romantic when it leaves their lips.

In fact,

The only thing that was missing was the ubiqitous coconut tree.

Of course, this is one of the more interesting train rides I had.

scratch

2009-03-01T23:52:00.003+08:00

Okay update update! :)

I have a perfectly good reason for not updating though... More details next time.

1) Let's see, in the past week I have been given a tutoring assignment. *cheers* However, for that amount of money, you have to pay for it in high blood pressure, frustration and hair-tearing.

I don't know who or what I can't stand more: My tutee or his dogs. One of em' is a freaking arselicker. Literally. Ham sup dog.

2) Heh Adelina looks hawt in the polka dotted dress. Damn I'm a sucker for polka dots. Or someone crazay in em'.

3) Had the most fun in such a long time! This week has been very stressful with tutoring and exposure to working life. Haiz. 3 hours of tutoring is just about as bad as 8 hours of boredom. Gawsh, even Grace didn't have this much shit. And she was tutoring me in A math and Physics.

4) I'm appreciating my life more and doing my best to catch up with work and being the best I can at home and outside.

5) I'm loving church, ze people inside and the basic follow-up class. Sure is a lot of spiritual fulfilment. Only when I last thought of it, I guess I really understood the difference between 'happy' and 'full of joy'.

6) My Ah Gong turned 92 yesterday. Caught up with my cousins yesterday and for once the fun never stopped til we left.

7) I've been itchy lately. Hate being itchy. Gotta stop scratching.

8) Exhausted lately, but very energized today! xD

9) Have become an official fan of Mind Your Language! Hoyeah!

10) My hair had a dramatic transformation today.

chicken banana backside

2009-02-13T20:53:00.003+08:00

Some of you will love me for this, some will hate me for defiling their brain cells by making you people read this. Heh, enjoy!

While reading a book in the library, you heard the librarian scream. The librarian, a young man, was standing on a chair behind the counter. He looked very scared.

Write a story based on the above situation. give your story a good ending. Your story should be at least 120 words in length.

... (detailed help for the clueless primary school kid that I'm too lazy to type out)

- LEARNERS English Test Papers Primary 4

Picture Composition Draft 1 - Lim Yu Cheng

The sun was shinning brightly in the peace blue sky like a big yellow cheedar. A young man was going to the Jurong Point library.

As the young man reached the non-fiction secion he saw tons of non-fictions books. He took the book to read and borrowed some books. He went to the librarian to borrow the book. "EKK!" The librarian screamed as a rat scurried across the floor.

The rest of the people panicked but the young man did not as he was brave and strong. He took the rat exterminetor spray. With one spray on the rat, it was dead. The librarian thanked him for doing a good deed.

As he borrowed the book, he went home happily.

Now he's eating milo balls by sticking his head into the bowl. You know how horses are fed, you know how dogs enjoy dog-biscuits, you know how my brother indulges in milo balls.

Yup, it's a perfectly normal day in my house.

Did i mention I'm not paid enough?

we all have em' moments

2009-02-13T14:07:00.007+08:00

Tree: I'm feelin' the love alright.

Tree: Back off, hungry.

Tree: ARGH!!! Get offa me human! You vegetarians have gone too far!

Yup, this is one of my moments. No offence to vegetarians though, some of you are hawt like Maggie Q, okay? Lastly, I assure you I'm fully omnivorous.

I'm not much of a treehugger though. The first picture proudly displays my unglamorous teeth and the fact that I forgot to adjust my top. Oh well. FOR POSTERITY!

To my JC friends (wow first time saying it and it feels strange), stay in school, enjoy your orientation and eat your veggies.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried. - (Murphy Laws Site)

2009-02-06T22:03:00.005+08:00

Hey people out there. Being the tutor of a primary school kid isn't easy. Teaching Math isn't my thing .. so I stuck to English. Pretty much everything is going well with everything but compo. I've got absolutely no idea how teachers do it. Maybe its just that I've seen too many sec sch compos. Anyways... here's my brother's essay (p4), quarter-complete.

I'll whip him into shape tomorrow. He's actually serious about sending this in to the teacher. Sigh, how I miss the days where pri sch kids were forced to write it down.

The beauty of the backspace button...

The Misery of Drug Abuse - by Lim Yu Cheng

One fine and superb day ,I was walking home from school . as I was at the bus stop,I saw a guy he was holding drugs in his hands and he was about to eat it but luckily I stopped him from eating it .

I told him not to eat because it is not enviorment friendly he said to me shut your big yap up. I called the police and ninonino the police arrived in a rail of sirens and underwears.

(to be continued)

... I'm amazed and I know not what to say. Something tells me I'm not paid enough.

Kids DO write the darndest things.

CNY 2009 - OXOXOXOXOXO

2009-02-02T22:04:00.006+08:00

Hugs and kisses baby. Mostly pictorial and chronological post coming right up. (Lazy readers say "Hooray!") Hongwei's Dumpling blog inspired.

Ay lovey, how did you spend your new year?

Chu Xi - (New Year's Eve)

Left to Right: Stephanie, Rebecca, Jasmine, Shiting, Samuel

Had church before heading over to Ah gong's house and yes, I came into contact with some wonderful new friends. Gotta love what the girls are wearing. As for Samuel, he looked like he popped out from a Qing Dynasty film. That's okay, we still love you.

Left to Right: Rebecca, Jasmine, Shiting, Me, Stephanie

Thanks Samuel for taking the picture :) Your skills are impeccable or we just make the picture look good. Can't see my green top from the picture though. Gosh, is it me or do girls (or "matured" ladies) in church just look more beautiful?

After that, I headed over to Bishan. Geraldine *aherm* left me there to rot by myself. No wonder you're my favourite cousin.

Chu Yi - (Day One of New Year)

(pic coming soon)

Headed over to Lavender where we met the mama's side of the family. Undeniably, this is the side that I feel closer to. So many supportive cousins and relatives. They're ever so sweet and encouraging. Too bad Jasmin's family wasn't there. Wisdom from the elders:

1) Praise the Lord!

2) Engineers built Singapore. - I did learn a lot about engineers and all. Too bad they're a dying breed here. It would suck if we had to import more PRCs when we actually encompass the Singapore brand. Sigh, it's like trying to replace all the hawker centres in Sg with Macs. It just loses the local touch. Made in China? That's everywhere. Made in Singapore? Now that's something you don't see everyday.

3) Poly life is good. You don't need a supposedly fantastic start to be successful in life. Going off the beaten track is stimulating and it doesn't make you lose out if you try your best.

4) I have to fix my finger by attaching a "splinter" to it.

5) Little boys are destructive. My father still loves little kiddies though. Guess he's missing the time when he could baby my brother or me. He still babys my brother though. Everybody go "Awww".

Intellectually stimulating, yes. Boring, slightly.

Chu Er - (Day Two of New Year)

Ladies and gents, I present to you, my cousin. Gosh sometimes I can hardly believe we're related.

Angel

Freak of Nature!

Oh no! She's getting consumed by the mass of hair! Haha yeah, she was just telling me how she feels camera-shy. Picture speaks for itself. She's doing a Romeo to a pair of my Ah Gong's pants.

We have nice cheem English names, but everyone chooses to call us by our sillier pet names. *facepalm* Ping ping! Ah Ping! Bao bao!

Thank God I get called by my Chinese name more often.

Heehee, remembering one of my creepy nightmares... I was washing my face and looking into the mirror. I saw Geraldine in the mirror, screamed and promptly woke up. So now you're the stuff of nightmares.

So much for A1 in O level English. If you're reading this G, get to your compre after you're done with my post. *pauses to stop self from saying anything that will make her ego explode with glee or demoralise her*

Gave my rotting brain a slight workout by picking out the points for her summary and teaching her the basics. (Girl you were supposed to write it down properly, but noooo...)

Don't get mad girl, it's you as you are and I love it. You're everyone's favourite bad girl okay?

Of course, no CNY would be complete without some tots in traditional Chinese costumes.

Left to Right: Sarah/Dionne, Jolin, Dionne/Sarah engaging in CNY bonding

Can't tell them apart, but aren't they cute? Cute as a button baby! Well at least the twins are. Jolin's the most kaypoh, nightmarish little girl ever.
Somebody restrain her. Or give a kick to the pigtails is pretty good too.

Oh and Dionne's named after Celine Dion.

Ain't I a peach?

Pardon the blurriness, but she totally captured the joy of children in that shot. She's practically bubbly with amusement from a very simple game. Darn, nothing makes us grown-ups happy like that.

Nappy time! Spread the love and the drool!

Mmm pics are blurry cuz I was really tired then.

Ladies and gents, I present to you, my brother Lim Yu Cheng in an unglam shot!

Who said I wanted a nit-picking session you chimp!

Haha, he had his finger between his toes before that. Yes, that's Jolin for you, constantly popping out of nowhere. Hmm my bro looks annoyed.

Of course, hanging out with Geraldine is fun since she does have a great fashion sense, perfect for the tropical Singapore climate but very copy-able. Nothing like browsing chick mags with her or talking about clothes and retarded incidents.

Dessert- Fruit cocktail in sweet stuff

It runs in the family

Resemblances?

Facial, yes. Attitude, behaviour-wise... that leaves a lot to be desired. Ah well, it takes all kinds to make the world and the family.

That's all folks. I'm dead tired and Chu San, Si, Wu, Liu will be updated soon enough. Yes, hongbaos and memories coming in everyday.

Pre-CNY Eve

2009-01-24T22:34:00.004+08:00

Mmmhmm yes I've got a spot-free back. (at least in camera view) Scrubbadubdub!

Happy Chinese New Year my lovely Chinese friends and folks.

Annnd no, no telling me I'm not Chinese enough. I've got the blood of ol' China and Singapore running through my veins all right.

Have fun with the hong baos! I'll be updating when Blogger's fixed.

911

2009-01-24T21:18:00.003+08:00

It's not easy being an older sister and the eldest daughter.

Right now I'm sitting next to the a very volatile bratty kid.
Gosh, why is he acting like he's having his boy period?!

I hate blogger right now. The fonts, sizes and colours are gone. If this (glitch?) keeps up, I might have to move to wordpress. *sniff* Blogger's falling back.

Sigh, what am I to do? The agent's most likely not gonna call me back anytime soon, simply because if parents had a choice, they'd pick the Uni student over the O level graduate. Til then, I'm very much jobless.

So now, I'm stuck with teaching my brother English. Somebody kill me. Ranting to be followed...

I HATE MY JOB! I'M NOT PAID ENOUGH! I'M PAID THE WRONG KIND OF PEANUTS TO TEACH THE LITTLE INFERNAL NUISANCE!

Gawsh. I know I have to do it. There's just so much pressure. My brother just HAD to be born 7 years later (yes who asked you to come into existence!). One day, I'm gonna tear my hair out.

We're all bound to our responsibilities and apparently, I am too. I'm just getting started ya'll. The taste of an unappreciative burden. He's giving me second thoughts if I should have children, and if I did, maybe leaving them with Michael Jackson and going to the Bahamas sounds pretty good too.

(just kidding, though for a second there I was thinking of leaving him to a pedophile pop-singing petrifi-er)

I'm immensely frustrated.

I have to teach and worst still, I can't protest. You know how they say siblings can't teach each other? Yeah that's not a myth.

No fancy talk here, but maybe a year ago, I would have thrown a huge drama queen fit. Talk about infringing on human rights! Perhaps I treated him like a total liability, like, I have my life to live, I have everything else to do and honestly, you're not in my list of things I bother about to associate myself with deeply. As far as I was concerned, he was my parents' unfortunate responsibility.

Well, if you've lived with him day in and day out, you'll know. Or you can just check out your sibling and think of the times he might've given you a stroke from frustration.

God help me.

As love would have it, finishing my O levels and progressing in terms of maturity puts such a huge strain on myself at times. I am getting my wiring done properly, yet I feel like I'm going insane. HA, too late now.

Sigh. He runs away to watch tv, use the computer, sleep, stare into space or eat a lollipop, every possible ignoring action you can think of. Then when I get him to sit down, he stares daggers (yeah he's had a bad history with learning) into the pages and forever becomes a pretty short time when he's scribbling the answers hastily in order to stop his self-imposed ordeal. And I mean it.

He doesn't read the questions properly, doesn't answer them properly, ... in teenspeak, a lot of fan-hogging and emo-ing and patience losing is done.

At least I do manage to give him the credit he deserves and if he tries making use of his neurons to get the mind machinery going, he gets it.

Oh and guess who's the target of all his outbursts, anger, plain lazines, frustration or otherwise.

Gee, don't blame me if I'm easily pissed too. Gosh I should stop getting affected by that little *censored*. I'm sorry but he is.

This doesn't happen a lot. I've been immune to most of his ridiculous behaviour but not entirely.

GIVE ME A BREAK. I'M JUST 16!

To think I tried to understand a kid. Gee, I should stop waiting around for somebody to cooperate.

*slaps forehead*

Unfortunately, simply because I'm more aware than before, my mind's already wired in my responsibilities. Again with the limitations!

I know how much this means to my family. Nobody's more qualified to teach the little bugger English, and I have to just in case he becomes a bigger liability if he sucks at his studies in the future. Tuition fees are too expensive and my parents are paying for it with my blood pressure and "patience-training". CRAP. I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS! 10 dollars isn't enough for 1 and a half hours. Yet, I can't ask for more because that would be turning a blind eye to preparation for the rocky year.

Yes, I have it worse than you think. At least in my mind I do.

Perseverance.

One day, you'll hear me say "Look ma! Top of the world!"

(And i wonder where my brother would be)

O!

2009-01-19T22:15:00.005+08:00

[Edited due to major flaw]

JAN 19: The Huffington Post Preinauguration Ball (Fangirling to come)

This is Shakira performing with Usher and Stevie Wonder:
http://www.shakiramedia.com/video/detail/1494

Song's called Higher ground and I love how everyone's all dressed and stuffed up cuz it was fureezin'. Must say Shakira held her own with Usher and Stevie Wonder. If you asked me, I'd say the she did good since it IS Stevie Wonder she's performing with, she sang it the right way and made a great supporting voice. Who would've known she could do such a song (Motown?) and look gorgeous at the same time. Didja see the Obamas dancing?! Ho yeah!

JAN 20: Neighbourhood Inaugural Ball (Apparently with every inaugration, there will be um, near 10 balls and galas...)

You can catch We Are One: The Obama Inaugural Celebration at the Lincoln Memorial on HBO, Starhub Ch 60 at 7pm tomorrow and encore telecast on Wednesday at 1am (perfect for insomniacs) or Starhub Ch 66 tmr at 10pm. Its the opening celebration for the 44th (hmm, so number of inagurations doesn't mean number of presidents) President.

Of course it took place on Sunday evening in the U.S (Monday morning Singapore)

Mmmmm it will be a star-studded event, only the creme de la creme of music, famous persons (eg. Martin Luther King III) and some interesting actors (Jack Black, Denzel Washington....) Of course, all of em' have expressed their support for the Obama presidency. Yeah and the actors are giving speeches. Hope you weren't expecting them to sing. Ecletic mix of musicians and it's gonna be a lot of respectable fun!

See? Antonio De La Rua (Shakira's fiance), Obama, Shakira (pretty hair!)

Is it me or is Obama starting to resemble the guy on my toothpaste? Somebody give the man a top hat and he'll promote flouride and dental hygiene.

Here comes the good news:

If you don't subscribe to HBO, there will be a free preview for all Starhub TV customers using Hubstation, Hubstation HD, digital or HD set-top box tomorrow on HBO (Starhub Ch 60) from 7pm to 9pm.

Source: TODAY 19 JAN plus Television

Ah yes, for the good of the public. Watch it if you're bored or just wanna kick back to a glamorous, for-the-good-of-the-world treat. It's not everyday you get to see top-quality performances by stars who don't wanna mess up in front of the President, so they would probably make it top-notch.

gawsh!

2009-01-18T22:23:00.005+08:00

So these few days, I can't twitch my nose or the entire right side of my face will hurt.

Church is good for the soul, a reliable spring mattress is beneficial to the back (sadly I have to settle for two small mattresses), I'm becoming more of a big girl - dealing with a little monster and helping around the house - mmm and I have guy friends who have problems dealing with girls at a certain time of the month.

Unfortunately, I am unable to mention one of the two incidents due to vehement objection. Tsk tsk, first you're shell-shocked (O M G O M G O M G HOW CAN YOU GIRLS SAY SUCH THINGS OUT LOUD?) and now you don't want people to know why I gave up and told you in the face that I was having my monthly issue? Pfft!

There goes Number 2.

Here's Number 1:

Dumpling: How's your day?

Corn: Bad. Cramping real bad all day. (Hint 1)

Dumpling: Why? (Strike 1)

Corn: Maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm a girl? (Hint 2)

Dumpling: Huh?! (Strike 2)

Corn: *smacks forehead* Hong Wei. *stern* (Hint 3 and alert: You're making it really difficult for me here)

Dumpling: -.- (Strike 3: -.- me some more!)

Corn: I'm having my period. (And you're out!)

Dumpling: Oops!

Corn: YES. Take a hint. PLEASE! I'ma mood swingy girl on one of those days with really bad cramps! There I've said it!

You boys ask for it sometimes. Hehe, no offence Dumpling. Just giving a demo on the hints that guys USUALLY take when a girl's having some oestrogen rearranged.

Yeah and guys, sometimes there's so subtle way to say it. No easy way out. That's why I told Shawn straight in the face. Then, he freaks out into a blabbering mess. Mm, can't see the difference between a guy and a girl no more.

Corns: If I wasn't cramping, I would throw an exercise ball at you.

No, you wouldn't want to be flattened and end like that.

when life gives you lemons, opt for orange juice

2009-01-11T19:18:00.004+08:00

Hmm.. I'm nearing my 90th post. Yay! *proud of self* Well c'mon, my entries are loooong. Too bad I can't say that about my earliest entries, they were of objectionable quality. Guess I didn't pick up the skill of blogging then.

I guess I should start seperating the subjects in one entry to many different entry.

What can I say, I talk a lot, at least on this blog. Or maybe my readers are actually fun to talk to. Oh the Internet. Heh, did I tell you I used to keep diaries that never really cemented. They always died after a few entries, no matter how intelligent they seemed (they were never, sadly). C'mon, why should I talk to myself like that when I can do it verbally and tell myself things I already know.

Plus, I'm not my best audience. If I could, I would probably throw rotten tomatoes at me. Oh, and having an actual audience would be something I enjoy. Visible and invisible ones.

So everyone knows that tomorrow is the Release. I won't call the O levels the O-monster, the O-bigone, the O-it-sucks-the-juice-outta-me.

Therefore, I wouldn't refer to tomorrow 2pm as doomsday.

Kay, that's just the pragmatic, spaced-out, somehow-uncaring side of me talking. Havin' a rare moment here people!

I wonder who will be opening Pandora's Box tomorrow.

(Disclaimer: Reader Discretion Advised)

Backtrack to start of sec 4. Mm, well I could say I was extremely hopeful of the year. We all knew it was gonna be difficult, we were unsure, we had baggage from the year before... oh and CCA's a classic. Strange how you can fear and hope at the same time.

Towards mid-year, I swear I was going nuts. Everything screwed up and musical was putting on a huge strain. Mmm, life sucks eh. Lemons!

Now that I think of it, was I depressed? As in, clinically? Til' now, I'm not very sure but I felt I was losing control over myself and my mind. A bit creepy now that I think of it, cos I did experience some mentioned physical symptons too. Heh, then there was some leftover lemon juice from that period of time, and before that too.

Ah... any unfounded accusations yet? I have yet to understand the workings of my brain enough though... and you too!

Soooo... now you know. People don't just freak out excessively, cry like the world's ending tomorrow, explode like Mount Merapi on a crabby day for Indonesians, become claustrophobic, fear pointlessly, feel sick for seemingly no reason, experience an urge for physical aggression, then sometimes feeling nothing at all.. Yup, there you go.

You know how people s'posedly hear voices and all when they're mentally sick. I didn't hear any telling me to slash my wrist or go for a skydiving lesson without a parachute. It all started when everyone were telling me so many pressurising things (well you know, if u gotta tell a class collectively, people who don't need to hear it has to listen too... especially if they're impressionable) and it all translates into my own voice repeating it all. I take myself too seriously and ta-da!

Hmm, so there you go Shrinky.

I know we all got problems, but this is how mine manifested. People might've slashed their wrist, pulled out their hair, kicked little animals, took it out on people you don't really know... so I guess that's how it went for me.

Yup, if you're wondering, I'm writing this down just in case I start behaving strangely after getting my results to remind myelf of how it's a huge roundabout that's seriously not easy to get out of. Oh, and to satisfy some curiosity about volatile behaviour.

Anyway, can't say everything else was smooth sailing, but it did get a little better eventually. This, which I feel I should say, was the work of God. Before you go all 'noooo I thought this was secular!' on me, it really means a lot to me.

It was simple yet miraculous I might say. I might not have control over myself, but I do know Someone does. Once you start living for more than the fallacy of human minds and for something far greater, the assurance leaves you speechless with wonderment and contentment.

Therefore, at 2pm, it will not be the nightmare that many envision and I won't let my life and future hinge on O level results. Life still goes on after the end of the world, whether you like it or not. I'm gonna live my life for a bigger plan. Maybe I'm not made to fit the fabric of Singapore society, but I'm pretty sure me being different comes with a greater purpose. Who wants to be like everybody else anyway? If it's taught me anything, it's brought me closer to God and a testimony to how I believe we need Him.

Changing a perspective, opting for orange juice, living your life with a different purpose makes all the difference in the world.

This is a special day
I want to believe in another opportunity
We took a mortal leap
And today I return to see
A light in the darkness

Dia Especial, Shakira

a hungry corn is a willing corn

2009-01-04T18:57:00.004+08:00

To Sec 4 grads, pretty sure you've been flooded with poly ad mails.

Heh, and somehow, on every issue and/or cover, there's always a cheerleader in all her short-skirt, midriff, pom-pom exposing glory. Mmm, people who create those ads sure know how to market.

Come to X Poly and you get a once-in-a-lifetime-never-seen-in-secondary-school chance to look at preppy girls in tiny outfits very happy that you're looking at them.

Okayokay, anyway, the results have been getting me down. When I think of it, I experience physical side effects like a funny tummy and loss of appetite. No nightmares, my brain only chooses to dream about irrelevant things.

Besides the fact that I'm itching all over from a sunburn and apparently no bath, I'm just glad that I'm able to wake up on Sundays at 7.30-40. Strangely how on every other day I'll make animal noises if I'm woken up before I choose to wake up, which can range from 8 (rarely) to 12.3o AM.

So there's nothing like welcoming the new year by going to church regularly and exploring YMM and the lovely people (one of whom enjoys ties adorned with adorable porcupines), oooh and taking the first steps to spiritual growth.

Reminders...

If logistics, Pastor Tim and God allows, the lovely Aunty Michelle will be my mentor after the seminar, then we'll do basic Bible and navigational study and I'll be plopped into a cell group. Apparently, I'm s'posed to move on from there alone since I'll have the basic skills and then comes everything else I'm supposed to do.

Okay, dinner! Update about today's, interesting service later.

behavioural patterns

2009-01-03T17:31:00.003+08:00

Ooh la la! Not going back to school yesterday - totally awesome. neh-neh-neh-neh-neh-neh.

For all sec 4s this year, no complaining. We finished our prison term so we deserve to shake our asses about it. Plus, I believed we had more on our plates. Believe that.

I still woke up at 6.10 though, which is silly. Then, I woke up my brother (WHO HAS TO GO TO SCHOOL so I'm doing him a favour). Only woke up myself cos I had a tummyache. Then, I felt a strange urge to go down to the bus stop and laugh at people who have to catch the bus to go to school.

mmmm even better when I'm catching the bus to go someplace fun.

Aherm, we all have moments. Mine just comes in a quick, articulate outburst.

Okay enough rubbing it in. I don't get to do this, usually. :P

Mmm if its a solution you need, numb the feeling of going back to school and having work to do, and try to get it over with as fast as possible, give your plate as little as you can and give it all a spoonful of sugar.

Occasionally, scream into a pillow and ensure that you clear your head (for the sake of sanity) and make yourself happy (without harming anybody), as fulfilled as possible, talk to someone, live your life, do what you gotta do.

Hehs, now that I think of it, I think its true that more people read your blog than you are aware of.

1) People that like you and wanna check you out,

2) People that admire your literary aspirations and successes or your pictures that are worth a thousand words or the great intelligence poured forth from a passing thought, or

3) People who don't like you and find your day-to-day activities or the slightest occasional brain activity amusing.

So... now I have two sets of swimming slippers and a set of home slippers. Yay for shoes indoors.

The last quote of the day: You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

- Mandy from Grim adventures of Billy and Mandy.

If you wanna know, its a creepy, gross cartoon (episode where Billy jumped into Mandy's head and made her do stupid things like rolling in the mud and kiss her parents (Mandy is evil and probably doesn't care for her parents), smile (she never smiles) and of course, pick her nose.)

a first for the year

2009-01-01T00:02:00.007+08:00

Dear readers and bloggers, do update what was the first thing that happened in 2009, I'll be looking forward to it.

There's just something beautiful about a new year, a new beginning and all.. must contain elation and ignore bitten tongue! People rejoicing... surreal. Tomorrow and next year has come. Sorry, this year.

The first thing that happened in 2009 for me:

My half-naked brother shouts "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" and dances. My dad tells him to shut up. I hear Auld Lang Syne and more half-naked people cheering.

I do a crazy dance and say "HAPPY 2009 TO YOU TOO! I WOULD HUG YOU IF YOU WEREN'T HALF-NAKED!"

I wouldn't mind being somewhere else though, at a church or downstairs playing sparklers.

Then my half-naked dad watches the fireworks from the windows.

I would hug my brother if he wasn't half-naked.

Now for my first 2009 non-half-naked meal: milo and a big sausage. Eat and not exercise!

Have a great half-naked 2009! Liberate half of all your soul and being cos the other half is probably too painful to witness.

All I can say it, savour the moment and you can do it. Here, your advice for the whole year. No school reopening, now that I think of it... It's GOTTA be great!

Love,
Cornstance

the 2009 post!

2008-12-31T23:13:00.003+08:00

HOHOHO! *searches for big sweaty guy in red and big belly* Yo! Uncle Tan! (who did you think I was looking for?)

Nah, I have no Uncle Tan and its the wrong season.

I mean, happy 2009 to be in roughly 45 minutes from now!

Mmm, reminds me of the Christmas post that is very overdue. Like many other things in this year at 11.16 2008. Pfft, at least I return my library books... just a little late.

Okay, so I won't be late for this post. Looking back on 2008, its same-ol'-same-ol' in the sense that every year trumps the last in being somehow better and worse at the same time. So, for 2009, Im gonna make sure that it doesn't take a turn for too much of the worse and more of the better. Then again, it is the mindset ... but think of it, when it drizzles and you're all dressed up, ..

You think, "at least its not pouring."

Then, it pours.

You think, "at least there's no lightning and/or thunder."

Then, lightning and thunder are as compatible as hot chocolate and marshmallows. (I'm hungry now)

You think you gotta be optimistic, you can't let something so small get you down, there are so many unfortunate souls in the world much more, well, unfortunate than you.

You think, "at least there's no tsu-..."

:

:

:

:) See, thinking positive all the time is just stupid. Okayokay fine... what are the odds. Sure, it's some psychological thing that is supposed to work things out for you, if not cushion your fall. All I can say is, if it doesn't work for you, DON'T try it.

Uhhuh. Maybe, all you should do or think... is nothing. Let nature take its course. Wait, duhhh..but what are the odds that there would be people like me who didn't think of this in the first place and got themselves into some psychology mumbo-jumbo?

Its called "having expectations", which we all know doesn't work out most of the time.

Well, at least I learnt something. Anyway, one of the the things I'm gonna be doing in 2009 would be lowering expectations, unfortunately that includes not being optimistic, or pessimistic (typically, its waiting for a bad outcome. expectations)

Mm... why am I feeling that's gonna be difficult? Crap, I broke my new year resolution before the new year started.

Its like trying on all 5 nail polishes and deciding to buy the nail polish remover. You go home and try to open the bottle of pink remover. Even if you follow the instructions, the cap doesn't seem to budge. Then, you feel all insulted when the bottle says "Child-resistant cap".

I still can't believe I wrestled that bottle and it won.

Nothing much to talk about for the past year, I know what happened and you probably do. So, no emotional clap-trap.

OOOOOH IT WAS HORRIBLE I NEED THERAPY! EVERYBODY HATES ME AND I HATE MYSELF!

xD yeah right. Honestly, things can get better are ...

1. How you get smarter

2. How you try to be a better friend, daughter, grown-up, senior, teacher ... you know, with the people in your life

3. How you you learnt all your lesons and things from school, get so much better at things you've done before

4. Journeys on self-discovery

5. Eating new, good foods.

6. Trying new things

7. Earning your own money

8. Shopping with your own money

9. Getting that sexy Marilyn Monroe mole on your face and great hair

10. Strange overall satisfaction at having survived the year and have had some good times

As for things that got worse:

1. Craving for food at unearthly hours

2. Losing more sleep

3. Stumbling so much

4. Feeling like you wasted so much time

5. O levels

6. Being a badder friend even though you didn't mean to. Badder anything

7. Atrocious lateness

8. Getting screwed

9. Being angry that your once-clean face has a blemish thing called a mole

10. Bad bouts and some bad times

Oh well, if anything this list has shown me... Things turn your smile upside down are merely temporary while things that turn your frown inside out (okay nevermind) are for the long term. Achievements, scaling the Mount Everest of junk in your room and cabinet and looking back on how you cleaned up real good... how you became a better person overall.

Now that my friends, is the measure of a good year, and eventually, a good life. I sure became better at cut-throat talk. Looking back at my silly journal entries, I realise how assertive I've become. If you're a writer, words are like photographs and with a voice. Mmmm, who says a picture is a thousand words? Don't exactly care about being polite or nice, more of getting my point across and being as relevant, with a personal touch as much as possible.

Right, back to the topic. If you didn't know and are probably going to be too lazy to read, well I got news for you. A good year is not cos of the events, but how the entire year has shaped you into the person you were meant to be. Of course, it has to go on for your entire life. Oh and, do have fun along the way.

Resolutions. Blah, lose weight? Not for me!

Just some mundane and hugely important things Im gonna try to do, and not be like people who try to lose weight and explode during CNY and find no reason to do it for the whole year throughout. C'mon, you can do better than that.

So I'm going to exercise, sharpen punctuality, sleep well, do my chores, use lotion, manage and record my expenses and floss. Oh and take it all one step higher in whatever I do and grow in church and in God.

See, that's not so hard.. (wait, exercising?!)

Oh, I got a lovely present to start my year right.

Besides a yummy zhu rou zhou for dinner and seafood alfredo and ice cream for lunch...

I received a lovely blue interestingly-covered NIV Bible!! *squeals!* Now I got my own copy of the Word (Capital W!) and its personalised too!

Thank you very much if you're reading this, its beautiful and most practical. LOVE.IT.TTO

Read the part about Noah already and the Great Flood. A rainbow for the promise that God wouldn't wipe us all out in water (yeah who knows what else we can get wiped out by ... haven't got to that part yet). Oh well, the most important lesson this year is that we can't live a second without hope. So look towards that rainbow that you never bothered to find.

Lastly, my message to my readers:

If you're good at something, do us all a favour and put it to use and the best you can to benefit the human race. Who knows, you're the only one who might be able to do it your way and think like you!

Unless, of course, your talent is harsh criticism, keep it objective and until people start breaking down and you're like "Shit. No wonder I have no friends!"

Wow, 11.59 HAPPY ALMOST NEW YEAR.

12AM 2009. HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009!

the joy of constance

2008-12-26T20:56:00.003+08:00

A whole new lineup for the absence lately.

Does anyone realise everyone's sporting black nails lately? Fingernails, toenails, everywhere I go. Feels as though they're all ready for the Christmas party or doing the anti-Christmas.

Well, not me! I gots SIA-girl red nails ho yeah! (thanks mythili love you for buying it and doing most of it for me cos I'll mess it up). All in the spirit of the holiday season and they'll be off by CNY. Wouldn't want to be labelled as cheena. Anyway, killer red is H-A-W-T. Not just for aunties okay... The right shade makes it classic and eye-catching. (so don't be close-minded)

Mmm, that reminds me, my fingernails are going shiny pink. The anti-black. Love the anti-trend. As soon as I get the top coat. Oh and, for anyone who's thinking of neon pink or hot pink, it's seriously not advisable. It's terribly tacky, like.. like.. tights that hug a bit of the sole. Tights are good, but not THOSE. They scream faux pas. Blinding in a bad way.

Done playing Blackwell.

Updates updates. My patience wavers like Starhub coverage when it comes to my brother. Mrs Aidil is considerably patient and all ... which was how I started out. Nice, forgiving and efficient. Sigh, what can I do. I just can't help twitching when I hear or see an incoherent statement. If you have to hear it all the time... you'll go nuts too. Okay, that's just me.

C'mon. Being invincible doesn't mean "cannot see". As is knewed, noisely, teached, nevermind.

Twitch twitch twitch. An alarm just goes off in my head.

To give him credit, he's learnt fast enough, done better than some p6s and sec4s,uh-huh. He's been patient enough and endured my "NOOOOOOOO!!!! WRONG!!!!"s and he's just a kid. A boy kid. Which gives him a worse attention span.

Oh, he has this ... thing to call it "the whole entire thing" WHY CAN'T HE JUST SAY "THE WHOLE THING" OR "THE ENTIRE THING" WHY!

He watched too much TV, he's moody during studying (understandable and I do give concessions) and he tries to last-minute but fails badly at doing so cos he's freaking tired from watching TV. I don't get it. English is a chore to him, heh it reminds me of the relationship between Chinese and I.

Me: Do your corrections.

Brother: I feel like dying.

Me: No.. that's the easy way out.

Brother: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Okay who is responsible for this. I don't understand, he's treating English like a chore and its forcing me to do it too cos other than making him learn by rote I'm practically at my wits end cos when I do something less boring he would rather not do it and do it "rote".

You know, like how its a must to learn Chinese words by rote cos there are like 10 000 characters and everyone is different. That's why I like English better, there's less routine.

Now, that's why its frustrating.

Okay, moving on.

Ahaha, if you would kindly direct your attention to the tag that advertises Low Kay Hwa novels. I might enjoy reading, but my taste is definitely beyond those. Even the covers look cheesy. Like something churned out of a washed-up Channel 8 drama serial.

Which reminds me...

I was watching Ellen and then channel-flipping. Flip flip flip ... Channel 8.

Me: booooooooring. *proceeds to press flipping button*

Brother: NOOO!! It's Love Blossoms 2!

He's been auntie-fied.

I gotta hit the library. For the books and erm, the fountain of knowledge. Not excited about school though. Never thought I would need a library kaki after exams.

Hehs, I thought Low Kay Hwa was a middle-aged auntie... turns out its some geeky guy in his 20s. Looks so. Heh, Huiyi reads em'! Okay fine, reading tastes are up to discretion. Anyway, she let me read one of those. (Hehe, at least you're reading!) Can't believe how sappy it was! I read a little though.

:P How much pride went down the toilet in the making of those novels? Okay okay, all the teenage girl fans.

I don't know, it's .. it's as gay as Clay Aiken.

Alright, disclaimers. If you're a fan, than that's not my problem. I like Life of Pi, Hairil thinks its a roundabout book. See? We all have our own little erm, mostly-unliked likings. So I'm not gonna judge you on that, cos I got my own too! Aha (at least I don't like cheesy novels!!!!!!!)

Mmm as for my mostly-unliked likings.. wait a sec, I'm not s'posed to talk about this.

Life of Pi is very well-liked though.

Heh heh enough naughtiness.

That with writers too. Well, at least you wrote something. Something painful for me to read though. *shrugs* Take it with a pinch of salt, I know my blog is painful to read to some, but its not to me. Okay okay, at the end of the day... as long as you like it, as long as your teenage female acne-fighting, finger-crossing, wide-eyed-hoping, love-strangling fans worship it (just read the website), fine by me.

The last disclaimer: This is a critique too. I can talk about nails, clothes, pop culture references, guys and remain un-superficial.

Plus, I don't over-love myself. Seen a terrible case of an ego-exploding blog. Take cover, the debris will blind you with its life in self-denial.

Never judge a book by its cover (can't say that about Low Kay Hwa's novels though). A physics teachers in his 50s who wears glasses and a bow tie beat a guy who's got muscles and the looks of Leonardo Dicaprio and Ben Affleck in his 20s at Survivor. Uhhuh. Being pretty won't win you a million dollars but it will win you the affections of Mythili. :)

My last report of this post: Self-denial is bad for health. Humans. We just want to be something we're not. Of course, this holds true for everyone and is sadly exaggerated for some members of our community.

Societal expectations, what mama always wanted you to be, the grass is always greener on the other side, low self-esteem, forgivable to some extent.

Or, if you can't beat them, join them.

Hahs, but every once in a while, you'll be annoyed. *winks* Love ya Fatimah.

pah.

2008-12-20T16:54:00.003+08:00

Darn, as the days go by, I'm starting to feel a little duller each day. Repetition is not good for the soul after a long while. P3/4 English, Neopets, the occasional emo moment, the not-so-occasional fun, nothing else... damn...

Alright, time for a serious post for mental stimulation. (Heh, at least I don't turn to...)

Darn, it's been a depressing year 'innit'. Well for most of us that is.

Mmmhmm. That is if you've read the SATURDAY section of ST.

What can I say, shit happens. Exciting, depressing shit. Kinda makes me think of people who would rather not read the papers or keep informed just so they don't let too much sympathy, apathy and/or the plight of the world rest on someone else's shoulders with nothing that they can't do about it.

Well, stimulate your mind. Be it escapism or a case of 'what's new anyway', it kinda seems as though news is not so new after all. Riots, cross-border spat, the economy being in the toilet, the Parliament being inhabited by clowns, drinking plastic milk... damn we're a screwed up world.

Anyway, I guess the only thing really keeping me reading the news is the reading bug, having nothing else to do, needing to get distracted by things I have to do and plain curiosity.

I s'pose... in the next post, I shall update on the 2008 year.

a little bird told me the other day

2008-12-17T00:37:00.004+08:00

Never know how much I love you
Never know how much I care
When you put your arms around me
I give you fever that's so hard to bear

You give me fever
When you kiss me fever when you hold me tight
Fever in the morning
Fever all through the night

Sun lights up the daytime
Moon lights up the night
I light up when you call my name
And you know I'm gonna treat you right

You give me fever
When you kiss me
Fever when you hold me tight
Fever in the the morning
Fever all through the night.

Everybody's got the fever
That is something you all know
Fever isn't such a new thing
Fever started long ago.

Romeo loved Juliet
Juliet she felt the same
When he put his arms around her
He said "Julie baby you're my flame"

Thou givest fever
When we kisseth
Fever with thy flaming youth
Fever - I'm afire
Fever yea I burn forsooth.

Captain Smith and Pocahontas
Had a very mad affair
When her Daddy tried to kill him
She said "Daddy-O don't you dare"

Give me fever - with his kisses
Fever when he holds me tight
Fever - I'm his Missus,
Oh daddy won't you treat him right.

Now you've listened to my story
Here's the point I have made:
Chicks were born to give you fever
Be it Fahrenheit or Centigrade

They give you fever -
When you kiss them
Fever if you live and learn
Fever - till you sizzle
What a lovely way to burn.

What a lovely way to burn.
What a lovely way to burn.

Fever (1956) - Peggy Lee version (Credits Eddie Cooley and Otis Blackwell)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGb5IweiYG8

Freaking sexy song. *Girls in da room do cat purr* Check it out, seriously xD

Mmmm, definitely a classic, naughtay way to describe love.

attack of the stereotypes

2008-12-16T22:27:00.004+08:00

Houston, we have a problem.

Haha, did you watch this cartoon... astronaut says that line and people at the control station are like: Always problem, problem, problem. Don't you ever call to say hi?!

(NASA is in Houston btw)

This is to all my friends with problems with your daddies and/or mummies:

(okay forget that, sounds wannabe. its like: this is out to all my girls who suffered a broken heart. let's annihilate the XYs once and for all)

Anyway, back to the point, parents are parents. They read your blog and get mad about it, they accuse you of the most ridiculous ... accusations, they are really prickly when it comes to bedtime, they lied when they said after O levels can stay up all you want, they are terrible drivers, they emotionally scar and traumatise you, ....

and they think it's okay.

Damn did I make it worse? Alright, damage control.

With a bit of Jun Hong's 4 points ...

1. S'pore is small, therefore competitive. Kiasu parents.

2. Different era. Parents more protective cos they don't want you to suffer like they did.

3. Different era. They don't understand you and vice versa cos they were brought up differently.

4. (Sorry I can't remb the 4th one...i'll make this one up) They are parents.

Well, I won't be of much help since I don't know how to help myself much on this one.

1.Talk to them and 2. do whatchu gotta do.

Well, think of this, I'm very sure, one day.. many many years from now... you'll be telling yo'mama:

Look ma! Top the world!

Over and out (okay that line is just... cya later, alligator. lame and acting cool)

wanted - tutor

2008-12-12T22:06:00.004+08:00

Hello, I am Constance. I shall write a fun ad for me.

I'm looking for a job, and if you need a tutor for English, and are willing to pay a reasonable price, your search ends here! *corny music*

Okay, whatever. I can tutor both spoken and written English. However, I won't know everything, c'mon, I'm only just done with my O's. Give me a chance and I'll check things out for you, meaning I'll study it myself first, then apply my knowledge, then explain it in a relevant manner. Will tailor to needs of tutee (funny word).

Preferably Primary School, gotta put some years in between, cos nobody's that good in something they've only learnt for say 2 years, as compared to 9 years.

Patient, firm, not too demanding (that never works), reasonable, fun and gets the job done.

Hmm... You'll be closer to perfect pronounciation of: She sells seashells by the seashore.

Oh, and you'll get a better grasp of grammar and the basics. Of course, some materials will be provided. A little bit of vocab and skills too.

Of course, tutee has to be cooperative. Tutoring rates and times can be negotiated. Contact: lim_constance@hotmail.com

(that's my official, business-y email address, you know, one that people can easily remember and take seriously)

shop til you drop

2008-12-12T21:21:00.003+08:00

I'm very tired, but very satisfied.

Somebody please nag me, force me, pull me along to get my lazy ass off anything that is comfortable and into a swimming pool. Hate the running track. Bleargh. Bite me.

Which reminds me, have yet to learn to cycle. Did you know that cycling causes.... nevermind.

Or, you can pay me to clean your house.

One whole day of candy, junk food and fizzy drinks makes me really sick. Ughh, never want to see another chocolate, candy, ice cream, pepsi, sprite, whatever for another week. Or KFC and pizza.

Well, walked it off at the fabulous new Jurong Point and did minimal vacuuming and window cleaning. Still feel flabby though. It's time I started doing a bit of exercise everyday.

Let's see, headed over to HuiJuan's love-rly new house! Mmm, housewarming, chatting, laughing, pigging out, getting lost and watching Survivor and Just for Laughs.

Oh, and did I mention our good friend Mr Ng was there? :) Wonder why he wasn't there yesterday with the other CO girls. Anyway, no matter how strange it is, still is nice to see him again. For those of you still in school, don't look at me like that. I miss my teachers, it's not my fault I finished O levels.

HEHE.

Anyway, we all do miss each other. Big love. Of course, I won't miss some things and some people, I mean erm, some things. Big smiles.

Exploded with fun. Darn, I should always watch Survivor with the correct people. Snide remarks, laughing at stupidity and cheering for half naked guys that look hot from different angles (that's just Mythili) and physics teachers rooting for 57 year old physics teachers.

Lovely. The Bob guy looks like this nerdy ol' skinny guy wearing a bow tie, and he wins all 4 challenges. Ah, where is the world coming to?

Apparently, professional gamers aren't as pro as physics teachers when it comes to tricking each other. Don't underestimate them ya'll.

I like the Bob guy. He defies the odds, though I wish he would stop the stereotypical look of stuffy teachers. Pretend that your physics teacher rocking more than Olympic champions, pin-up models and professional gamers in Survivor challenges.

Anyway, we all caught up with each other. Of course, after a lot of walking, getting lost, confusing directions, screaming and head-smacking and "why didn't you just tell me your block was red, white and yellow?!!".

Then, we headed over to revamped JP. Now it kicks the ass of all the other malls. It's beeeeeautiful. Ooh and the shoes. SHOES! Of course, lovely shops. A little too tired to relate what happened there, gotta see it for yourself. Ran into Alvin at JP. Not exactly, ran, but oh well. So i see yo' sister's all grown up.

A shop called Skinfood? Yum! Won't be reviewing the shops today I guess.

Planned out my next week already and so far, this has been the slackiest week, but a welcome change from the last.

Plus, I have a tutoring job now. With my brother.

It's a lot more acrobatics than you think okay. 10 dollars for 2 hours? I have to relearn my grammar rules (it's one thing about knowing your English, and another thing about STUDYING english, then teaching it), make it relevant to the brother, and explain it in a primary school manner. Uhhuh, well I am proud of myself of figuring some things out. Go corny! Haven't lost it yet.

When my brother gets all hyper or emo (I swear he acts like he's on his period), that's the worse part.

mmmm, did I mention mua got a part in a video for Stephanie's (K's) client? Yeah baby, 80 dollars at the end of the day! the 4 out of 15 that wuz chosen! Ho yeah! All black. Gotta love being paid to act! Getting paid to do something you like is definitely better than getting screwed by what you sign and a job agency and standing at the cashier getting yelled at by customers and managers. I'd rather have the director yell at me.

Week 1 was full of Stephanie and eventful. Many firsts and celebrations, and getting things done.

Week 2 was full of job hunting, sleepover and slacking.

Week 3 was full of cashiering, going to Fairprice and quitting. Lovely.

Week 4 was full of slacking, going out and tutoring. Real money after so long, and I did get some things done. And a new arrival.

Time flies. It's been 4 weeks already?! Awwwwwww.... Doing whatever you want, doing whatever it takes to earn money, doing whatever it takes to get out of trouble... ahhh... in fact, the only thing I haven't done is prob just altering my new jeans, exercise and spend money on clothes (my own money). Of course, hanging out with some wonderful people, which I have to do more than once. A pretty green top and black jeans.

Next week would be just as eventful. As promised. For now, I have to get rid of my streak of slight insomnia. Any suggestions? Preferably not warm milk, it makes me sick. No medicine, cos I hate it and it feels like artificial sleep.

Anjelica

2008-12-10T20:34:00.005+08:00

This post will be all about Anjelica. Why?

From a quiz eons ago, Anj was tagged. Goes like this:

http://www.oreocookie-sucker.blogspot.com/

Yeah she's the oreo cookie sucker, guru of all horniness, cat eyes, rugrat, corrupting everyone she meets. Otherwise, pure evil. (Ho yeah) Grovel at her evil feet.

It all started some time ago. Ah, EL remember the times we weren't as corrupted in the mind? Wait, it's all coming back to me.

"Hello my name is Anjelica." (she says to us)

"Oooh you mean like Rugrats?" (the mean kid on Rugrats that bullies the babies is called Angelica if you didn't know)

"Oh. yeah. Rugrats."

"I'll call you Rugrats then. Rugrats rugrats rugrats" (my annoying habit of naming people I just met is getting worse these days)

"So you're Anjelica. Are you angelic?" (I'm too nice)

Today we all know better.

Okay I shall first give her credit for saying nice things about me. Thank you :) And I'm honoured to be thought of like that. Love you too Scarlie, and so says the rest of us.

Ah the adventures of Scarlet (yeah she picked the name from the camp. toldcha she was horny) and Tiffany, 2 confused blondes who fight over undesirable guys (to some extent), the shortest skirts, makeup and botox, and who's the smarterest of course.

It all started when...

Corny: Okay, so to know how bimbos think, we have to think like them. Do you want to be the smart blonde, or the dumb blonde?

Anj: Oooh oooh I pick the dumb blonde! Wait, there's no such thing as a smart blonde!

Corny: Glad you got that far.

Movin on, I thought we played out the scene if we were enemies. We'll pull each other's hair and scream blondely.

You have a crush on a cartoon. How sweet. All your fantasies must be in 2-D.

Ah, the things that make Anjelica the horny cat-eyed girl that we have all come to know, love and say "EEEEW!!!"

7. Characteristic i hate about myself?
- I happen to like myself a lot.

When it happens, it's quite amusing to watch.

8. For the person you hate you say?
- Sorry, whatever remarks I have for you is too much for your brain capacity to handle.

*sob sob* So on the same page with us when we insult.

6. Characteristic I like about myself?
- Humourous?

Lay on the horny jokes.

19. Who is the sexiest among the 10 people?
- ME

For posterity's sake: It's good to live in denial.

29. Where does number 1 lives?
- Not sure but she stops at lakeside MRT.

Yeah, I can't let you know where I live. Who knows what might happen on my way home?

28. Who does number 1 admire?
- She worships me.

Anjelica, when you read this, you are so dead. After I froth at the mouth, die and rise from the dead as a zombie to drag you down with me.

Sidenote: No offence if you're blonde, or if you're dyed blonde. If it's not your colour, then you got screwed.

Ginger

2008-12-10T10:51:00.004+08:00

At 11plus, you would probably be popped out in 3 hours.

12.18 Woke up from headache.

------------------------- considerably peaceful sleep -----------------------------

10am Woke up and read sms from 7plus in the morning.

10plusam Lovely surprise in an email.

To Ginger, should you ever learn to read (well, duh) and learn your ABCs, I hope you'll get to read this too. Don't worry, it's simple to read, I promise. :)

You're definitely the loveliest littlest thing ever. You looked so small, tiny, next to the love from which you came. Everything was so much bigger than you.

You know what?*

If you are as long as my palms in a line, you must be one of the smallest humans among us. Would it seem as though everything's too big or too high?

From the day that you came to be, you'll always be loved. If you asked me, I would probably say "I do".

Maybe, it is the world that is too big and too high. It is easy to get lost in it, but as long as you have a map, you'll be fine. How could anyone do anyting bad to you?

You seem rather delicate too, with tiny newly crafted fingers. Can't let anyone drop you now, can we? Looks like I can't even hug you or touch your nose because you might cry and it would be as though I used too much force.

You're ruddy all over, a most healthy and rosy glow of red.

You still seem a little wet from coming out. Oops.

If they said a baby looks like a little old person, well they're not that wrong. Don't take offence, you are only a rough sketch of what you can become. Some folds on your skin here and there.

The hairs on your head are black, curly and Indian. Wispy strands among thicker strands, awwww... just like yo' mama.

What an interesting nose you have. I'm resisting an urge to poke it.

We only see most of your upper lip. Who knows what you have to say, when you seem to be keeping a stiff upper lip?

All swaddled in a blanket, when you opened your eyes and yawned, I become more convinced of innocence that prevails in all of us, just locked away deep down. My, only a few hours old and you're doing great things already,

Ah, who knows what you would make out of this world? Who would you choose to become?

When you're 16, I'll be 32. Aww, darn, you make me feel old.

And yo'mama. A woman is definitely most beautiful after she's experienced erm, the miracle. Be sure to tell her that.

In your ultrasound scan, you looked just like a blob of molten ginger. Therefore, until and after they decide your name, you'll be known as Ginger to me.

Happy Birthday to you Ginger.

Literally.

*Hafizah is a bad influence! Meanie!

welcome to the wonderful world of willy wonka!

2008-12-06T01:17:00.009+08:00

1.16 AM I'm still awake and darn my 2006,2007,2008 November resolution for sleeping early and rising with the MRT. And who on earth craves for KFC chicken (except for Hairil). Alright, besides getting strange cravings, and erm, at unearthly hours (like a sudden urge for carbohydrates, preferably in potato or tapioca form), nothing is up.

Btw, my strangest craving yet is for tapioca. Good solid tapioca with things that get stuck to your teeth cooked in a big pot with some salt and to make it all slippery in your mouth. The smell is one of a kind, as is the texture and taste, potato-like, but with more kick. Sweeter, but not too sweet. Chewy, but doesn't make your mouth all dried up like sweet potato. Got so addicted I was lolling off my seat the next day and relating my craving to a new friend I've only met for 2 hours.

1.23 AM These few days have been enlightening and frustrating. It's a good thing I learnt things the hard way before I really get slapped in the face and there's no law to protect fully matured adults.

Frustrating:

Sigh, feeling the stress of the working world (drama, but yes) and how money being able to pay for my desired material possessions and me being in control of it makes me relish it and run after it like a donkey led by a tantalising carrot stick that is always a few cm away from me but never in my mouth.

Enlightening:

After 2 days of lolling off over being jobless, realisation hits me that allt he material posessions I've always wanted and the power that came along with it couldn't replace my essential needs. I'd rather be a slave to time needed to be spent with people generally referred to as loved ones (and taken for granted ...) than to the driving force of all that is capitalism. Oh monay, it's a cold cruel world out there.

Frustrating:

On Day 1 of cashier training, I was subjected to more propaganda. You can smell it from mile away. Do part-timers really give a damn about the companies they work for? Doubt it. Sharon was lolling off from boredom and I was resisting.

Enlightening:

Learnt more about customer service (and ignored all the Fairprice propaganda), made new friends (who were lolling off in boredom too), studied patterns of companies and competitors (sorry Fairprice, I like Cold Storage a lot better, though they have a corny ad on tv).

Frustrating:

Day 2 of cashiering: Very taxing on the patience. Sharon doing a lot of stress control and making herself more stressed, and I catch the debris falling from the stress-hijacked Sharon. Ouch. She goes left-right-left-right and has not yet done a nose-dive into a decision.

Enlightening:

Confident of being a cashier and passing the test. Optimism on a high. Was ready to face anything and anticipating paycheck. Then, all cranky cos I realised there was so much to study and I wasn't ready. And suddenly, making the cash register spring out wasn't as amusing as the first few times.

Frustrating:

Day 3 Didn't have enough time to memorise the new info on how to work EPOS. (tinier machine for paying by cashcard, NETS blah). Aced theory test and did badly for practical. Didn't answer one question and panicked (re-enactment of SPAs, which I do need to help myself asap) real bad. Rejected receipts same no. as accepted receipts. Questioning ability as cashier.

Enlightening:

Freaked out over the fact that I could've been blacklisted by the group of employment agencies. Punked by unprofessional consultant. Resolved to quit (Fairprice cashiering and Equator) in a phone call. Tamed all hell that broke loose.

Discovered amazing innate ability to talk diplomatically out of any situation and sounding sincere and interested. Thank you God for giving me this talent. Though I might suck at many other things (everything except reading, writing, the like), it's an indispensable skill that happens to come naturally to Corny.

Thank you 8 years of drama training and experience. You have served me well.

Thank you annoying, demanding, unreasonable, stifling certain teachers of JSS. For when I had to talk to you in a nice, respectable manner (and perhaps you don't know that as much as you tolerate us kids, a lot of students are resolved to tolerating your shit too until we graduate), you really trained me in dealing with people who push you around, don't understand your situation, insist on wanting things their way and not seeing how unfeasible your "requests" are, quite firm in wanting to stifle any form of creative thinking (or politically incorrect thinking), gee, I don't know.

I gritted my teeth, I held back my little angry voice telling me to walk away or lose it. I slid a sarcastic buttered remark, for it is what you wanted to hear. And today, I'm stronger.

Frustrating:

2 days later (today), I still have to make a trip down to Tanjong Pagar. Waste ez-link card money. (Wei! recession hor!).

Enlightening:

Learnt the lesson of diplomacy, severity of black and white, and professionalism. And if you can help it, be sure to ensure that people paying you are professional. I learn from others' mistakes. Settled "debt" with agency and happy.

Frustrating:

The price to pay for fame and recognition is a pain in the ass. Damn you pussycat dolls.

When I grow up, I wanna be in famous I wanna be in movies ... *continues computer-generated twittish featherbrained lyrical content and voices mashed together digitally attempting to be passed off as singing* Damn, PCD sounds even more nasal than Britney.

Be careful of what you wish for cos you just might get it?

Yeah, sure. Strippers who for some reason never take off their clothes would never tell you that fame comes with people ready to smear your reputation and it's almost impossible to remain inconspicous. Ah public scrutiny, gotta love it.

And if you wanna take it in a candy-coated jingle...

"You can talk about me. Cos Ima hawt topic!"

Yeah yeah, with fame comes groupies and/or boobies (what can money not afford to have?)

Enlightening:

Let me get back to you on that.

2AM Frustrating: Blog-hopping on respectable blogs (cheem, reflective, interesting, intelligently funny), and little unknown blogs (some of which deserve to be forever tucked into cyberspace unrecognised cos it would blind people with sanity), darn are teens that shallow? Literary merit isn't much of a winner too ay, me hearties.

Sigh, it would be the end of the world if adults start assuming all teens write like that. Manufactured, bubblegum, dishing up emo-ness and love stories and pigeonholed (cos it all looks the same?), no writing style, bumbling about everyday life in an uninteresting manner, zilianing pics (there is a limit you know), and of course, the occasional, or everyday potty-mouth word. :) Fish! (HAHA my little cousin really thought this was the 'F' word, so adorable.)

Enlightenment:

I didn't post due to lack of inspiration, which makes dry and blah blog posts. And I realised that I don't need essentially need pictures in my blog cos my writing is what matters. Haven't found anyone with a similar style (like churning out long posts) of writing, perspective, humour (I'm not funny, never was, never will be), awareness (mmm that depends).

Read my long long posts if u want to. And pictures don't always show up cos I'm just different. I'm a writer, not an photoshopper, photographer or picture-perfect model.

Yes and I'm amused by my emo moments during blogging, cos it sure is nicer to read than ..

"sianxzxzxzxzxzxzxzxzxzxzxzxzxzxzxzxzxzxzxz. will someone ever rescue me from this pit of botomless doom? where's my prince charming when he promise he will come? reversations of the past coming back to me. why did you lie to me? my fantasy is gone. wanna see my slashed wrist?"

Ah darlings, how many mistakes can you pick out?

1) Understandably, we are SGrean, and the use of the term "sian" isn't a crime really. But repeated 's's and 'z's are reminiscent of the twit wave that used to engulf the blogosphere a few years back, it's horrible, hideous and unspeakable like like.. 70s tackiness or an unflattering purple CD cover that says "ELTON JOHN EXTRAVAGANZA".

The horror.

2) glaring grammatical errors that put off respectable readers, and it happens throughout the entire post.

3) ima stickler for good spelling. (and i NEVER had to study for spelling after p3! HAHAHA!!)

4) SVA problem. Ouch.

5) Over-indulgence in childish fantasies that take common sense to realise that it's not true, and that the blogger has been living in delusion.

6) Typical emo-ness that gets really boring. Man eat man, learn that and when it happens to you, try to describe it in another way and just say "Damn I've been screwed real bad." Everyone gets it immediately.

7) Wrist slashing is so passe. Try mentally torturing yourself. Or maybe it's cos you don't have much of a brain to be tortured with haha!

Okayokay, chill. Understandably some people just like physical pain and all (i don't, cos mental pain already gets me lolling off *wooo!*), still, it all seems rather frivolous. I'll get back to you when you check out that word. Honestly, some emo-ness is just plain... frivolous.

And never use big words that you don't know how to use appropriately, it makes you a laughing stock and unnecessarily taxes your brains and theirs.

"I HATE YOU! I HATE MY FAMILY! I HATE MY SO-AND-SO FOR MAKING ME LOVE YOU SO MUCH! (miley cyrus, you are a bad example)"

1) Ah a bit of anger and teen angst. Nobody understands you. (Darn we do take that for granted)

"NOW IM RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME AND LOOK! IM POPPING ECSTASY WITH A MARLBORO'S IN MY MOUTH AND OOOPS! I SWALLOWED MY CIGGY!"

2) Plain dramatic stupidity and a cry for attention of which shrinks should promptly attend to. Ah, the wild life, out all night, not caring if your "abusive" parents worry the shit out of themselves cos you don't come home, you not worrying that your parents seem apathetic to your antics...

"she slept with him, what a ho. i hope they get STDs together, watch out arh, next time you bathe, you see something funny on your .."

3) Won't finish that sentence. haha, nothing like a bit of spite!

Last and not least, the icing on the teenage cake:

"Fish You!"

Not to mention overtly long pauses to show depth in thought or anticipation. mmm, so don't use it unnecessarily.

2.30AM End of a fantastic blog post (I love myself too much, someone restrain me!) and a boring day. What time shall I wake up tomorrow?

my little known facts, weird things, habits

2008-11-20T14:22:00.003+08:00

The rules & regulations:
1) Each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself
2) People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 10 weird things/habits/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly
3) At the end, you need to choose 10 people to be tagged & list their names
4) No tag back

1) It amuses me to prove people right when they say something about me (not the all the bad things though), first by protesting, and then proving them right. What, did you think I didn't have any control over myself? (Most of the time I do hehe)

2) I used to think Rainbow Paddle Pop was really rainbow-flavoured. Boy was I disappointed to know rainbow tasted like that, but I bought it repeatedly anyway. It's caramel. >.< Caramel.

3) I act on all my cravings and I believe it keeps me 'effortlessly thin' (quote from article). Haha it is true to some extent, of course you have to eat at the right time and in moderation.

4) I loved Bubbles before Blossom. Powerpuff! And I wanted to be its fourth member. That was a loooong loooong time ago, in the distant past...

5) I have erratic mealtimes cos I'm too lazy to cook and too disgusted by what I cooked. My mama cooks for me on weekends if I'm lucky and at 3 plus and she expects me to be full up after having some fishballs and porridge today. Sigh. Happens more rarely for dinner. I should stop questioning that cos I won't get an answer.

6) I'm too nervous to pick up the phone to call for a job of interview. Fear of rejection or just that I don't want to commit to a job cos i'm fricking tired after cleaning my room and running around.

7) I like cartoons and I don't believe there's an age limit for good cartoons. Just because I'm 11, 15, 16 it doesn't mean that I should start watching shows that are for an older audience (I do), and watch all chinese variety shows that aren't interesting at all if you watch em' everyday. There's nothing wrong with watching cartoons, in fact some variety shows are so washed up that they advertise for a supermarket or need people to strip on those shows. Mmm high quality cartoons anyone?

8) I can be a clean freak. Silly, but yes. I believe everyone's got a hygiene gripe that people find disgusting but they find it completely okay. Some of us don't wash our hands or mouth after we eat, some of us eat expired food, some of us pick our noses secretly (and openly) in public, so I heard (and seen). And I'm not telling you my disgusting habit hehe.

9) My brother was splat on the floor and 'swimming', screaming that he can't swim. You can't choose the mama you pop out of, and you can't determine what else pops out from your mama.

10) The best insult joke I've heard is:

You are so ugly, that when you were born, the doctors slapped the wrong end. - Anjelica.

& Confucius says:

He who sleeps with an itchy backside wakes up with a smelly finger.

Ah I'm so easily amused. I'm done with Clari's tag! YAY!

crowning glory

2008-11-20T14:03:00.002+08:00

I'm loving my new hair, and quite glad Stephanie does too :) Mmmm

Light, bouncy, voluminous and still brown-black. And un-flat. The colour's staying this way cos I like how it is, no need for artificial dyes yet.

And hair extensions are so.. ugh. Fake hair that doesn't look real... okay that does make a lot of sense. I mean, everyone can tell it's not real hair, so why bother? Ah, trends, right. I guess I do have a thing for real hair, like how hair that's so little when you tie it up it becomes a stump of a ponytail it just really puts me off, looks like hair extensions do too. Pathetic excuses for hair.

I'm speaking up for my hairy (hairy I tells ya) rights now. You may have criticised my hair for the past 4 years of my life, but I have thoughts that I never bothered to voice out, though I changed my mind now. Well, not a lot of criticisms, or criticisms, just some remarks that seem harmless, but I do take them to heart cos it's my hair and you don't have to tell me what to do about it. I love it the way it is, so be it. Therefore, it seems like a criticism.

I don't tell you: Hey! I think you shouldn't have such hair cos it's pathetic excuse for hair. Yuck, stumps? Problem is, people follow trends and they don't see that it doesn't suit them. Have your own mind! Oh well, at least being different makes you apart from the crowd, something that I'm glad I did.

Honestly, once or twice, comments are fine, but if you keep it up, it just gets annoying and it's like you telling me what to do. Especially if it's things that I already know and I don't want to hear.

And if you do it in an ah-lian tone (don't get all twittish with me here), beware of the volcano erupting inside. And yes, just referring to negative comments (that might not seem negative to you cos you can't see things my way)

Let me be who i want to be, and change into what I want to become.

I can tell you about your hair, but I don't stop you or seem like I'm hindering you from doing so. I respect that right.

Okay enough of hair-raising ranting. I guess I do get frustrated when I feel I'm being imposed with something that I don't want to be imposed on me. We all see things differently, evidence from how we wear our hair. I suppose I should see things your way too, and if I can't, I'll just say it once or twice, and shut up.

It just seems like I'm more "in the wrong" and having criminal hair cos of trends. Now that long hair is in, do you see me telling you "Oi! Your hair is too long lah! Cut!"

How strange, it's what I've been told so long ago. Like I said, we don't leave to serve anybody, just ourselves (in this case).

Mmm... I love my new hair.

episode 8

2008-11-19T12:57:00.005+08:00

Gosh... feel so sleepy.. for months I haven't slept before 1130. Now my biological clock's all messed up, hence always waking up after 1030 unless I have to get up before that.

The big cleaning is done! Now I only have left is bag cleaning and file clearing (when the karang guni comes). Sooooo..

Headed over to Steph's to become fat with her (good news for me). Lunch was bei mian, rice, sushi, and an accidental hard-and-soft boiled egg.

Then we had Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles and Cookie Monster ice-cream at 10pm. Act on your cravings! It's goood for you!

Nothing like eating and getting fat with a best friend. Mmmmm... Did some card-making, a pathetic attempt with good enough inspiration. Thinking of Andy Warhol and pop art, and coming out as... nevermind.

I should just stick to writing.

Reminder: 330 S-11 Friday for cab with Joan and Clar to West Coast BBQ pit 9 so we can arrive at 4.

To think I nearly thought it was East Coast.

episode 7

2008-11-18T23:16:00.005+08:00

I'm at the top of the world but falling off cos my limbs are aching and I'm a tired little corn.

2 nights of uncomfortable sleep (downs of being a girl) and cleaned my room (yes i cleaned it) yesterday and today, total time w/o breaks: 9 hours.

So much dust bunnies and things to be .. well, cleaned, rearranged, thrown out.

I cleaned everything except for the bed on the top (too hard to clean), the staircase storage contents (nobody cleans those) and the wooden drawers (too many things and too disruptive to clean), vacuumed twice and mopped once.

Oh gawsh, I've got to do more superficial cleaning if i want my room dust-free. At least now my room is organised and my clothes are no longer in a mess. I can actually see my staircase. *pats self on the back*

Now that I have less pressing issues to attend to, it's time to kick back more. These past two days have been tiring, but fulfilling.

Definitely a kickstart to exercise, all that stretching to clean hard-to-reach places. Speaking of which, it's time to start *gets lazy ass off couch and whines*

Gosh, everyone's out and about these days. Doncha haveta clean your room or spend family/friend/alone time?

Bought a present today (pointless if you know what is already is) and spent some fun time, very very fun time :) Walk walk West Mall and dropped dead at home.

Been to the hair salon for the first time in my life. So comfy i could've fallen asleep. And yes, I do like the final product. Not much of a drastic change, but definitely an interesting experience and a lighter head. A new long fringe, layered hair and shortened. When I'm ready for a drastic change, then i will be ready, just not now.

How do you tell your mum you like going to the hair salon? And hurt her self-esteem, pride in being able to cut hair and rob her wallet of 12 more dollars.

Ohwell, off to bed and to Stephanie's tomorrow.

i tawt i taw a puddy tat. i did! i did! - tweety bird

2008-11-17T13:37:00.003+08:00

I can be so inattentive when I cook. Rice turns out.. yucky.

I know, how much can you mess up making rice???

It gets all clumpy and feels uncooked, which is bad when it's meant to be porridge.

Okay enough of the porridge-talk. It's time for a deeper post other than my "frivolous" activities.

A crappy take on serious .. things:

From a conversation yesterday before sleepytime with Smarties, it did make me wonder if at some point in our lives, all humans would have attempted to seek something beyond our earthly grasp. Not necessarily succeeding, but attempting, and questioning the existence of a higher power.

Hence, religions, agnostics, atheists, free thinkers. Since they have at some point pondered the question itself, they would've picked a belief, not necessarily religious. More of formed an opinion of the world, the otherworld and how it all works.

Then of course, for every person who puts forward a point of view, there would be many challenging it, that are by reason not too incoherent.

Then again, it's called faith yo. Faith with reason hardly makes any sense to non-believers of any kind, whereas a believer would probably find that it makes all the sense in the world, and if it didn't (because of our limited experience and knowledge), how strange is it that they still believe in it.

Self-delusion or divine intervention?

Sidenote: This is why I'd rather not read anymore materials that challenge any point of view. It's like, we all know (common knowledge) we don't know everything (aka not omniscient), and by insisting that somebody doesn't know everything because he doesn't know the things you know (arguing that one point of view is false or incoherent), it seems to say you know everything from the things you already know (your limited knowledge), thus you are challenging the knowledge (that we all know) that we don't know everything (biting yourself in the ass).

HEHE, just say the whole paragraph without the brackets.

Of course, this is just one point of view if we take into consideration we don't possess all knowledge as of now. Some of us might choose to believe that we'll know in due time, but the irony is well... a bit of a headache. Cos we don't know everything now, how do we know if we'll know everything in the future?

If the serious crap (oxymoron alert) I'm talking is confusing you, you can stop now haha.

So anyway, I shall state my stand in a world of differing views. Being a Christian, of course you'll know what I believe in (duh). Not too complicated to know the basics of the basics.

Therefore, I believe that there is indeed a higher power. A 3-in-1 that is. (well it makes the concept a lot easier to understand, and don't mistake it with coffee).

Like every other Christian, in all innocence, I do seek connection with God. Which brings me to this: How am I going to do that?

Not like I have an answer of course, this blog poses more questions than answers, more opinions (sometimes emotional) than facts (then again, what's a fact? Until someone can prove that Newton's laws are false, we take them as it is, yes? And everyone studies them til their eyeballs drop out and one day they decide that "oh sorray, some genius proved centuries of Physics wrong" then we gotta re-study everything. Of course, this is just an anachronistic setting).

Mmmm, well the last time it was a nice, reassuring, engulfing warmth that took away all my troubles and made everything more beautiful than I had noticed before, like a mother's touch, but more surreal and having a strange otherworldly quality. The stresses of the world melted away like butter on hot toast, leaving a delightful aftertaste and a more confident corn.

The air was pretty still but for that to happen, I seriously doubt it was self-delusion because for the people who might argue I was feeling warm cos it was a night with still air, it's a little hard to explain how a rise in temperature (that I felt) could give me so much security and reassurance. A psychological working of it's own? I doubt it too, I can't manipulate my body and mind like that, and as far as I know, I've only done it in a negative way.

Perhaps that is how it's going to be done for me. If He comes in ways that we are most receptive to... of course to only selected people, I suppose it's going to be how I'll be spoken to. Not say, in a dream (I have weird dreams), an audible voice (that could freak me out, so no. I'll think I'm hearing things), a chorus of angels (dramatic seh), a moment of realisation (okay maybe).

Well I guess that warmth works best for me, because for the proceeding months, I kept that experience in mind, knowing that I was definitely safe and taken care of. Which was what I need, and I was able to withstand any challenges to my adversaries and doubts of that experience.

Smarties might be of the prophetic kind, Steph might have dreams that she was so sure it was more than something her brain was capable of ... for me,

I'll believe it when I feel it.

Time for some card-making and Ruffles.

episode 5/6

2008-11-17T12:26:00.005+08:00

Out to lunch and writhed in pain yesterday. Not something I would like to remember, but a good dose of divine providence never fails to ease the situation. Thank you! If not for the fact that I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, I would have throughly enjoyed yesterday. Yup.. but soon I was at the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the right people. Thank God *whew*

Resisting urge to post more ambiguous lines. Ok I shouldn't.

Well today seems to be a lazy day. Woke up refreshed after a nice shower at 11. Ah well, I'm still nursing myself. I have yet to learn how to upload pictures that I want to be of the same size using photobucket... argh... especially if the pictures have to be edited one by one. Feel like such a tech idiot.

Room cleaning today, more dust bunnies! And the resume of course. I wouldn't want to be too busy with work yet. Gotta re-lax! And badger my mama to buy me clothes. And new hair.

Episode 4

2008-11-15T23:55:00.003+08:00

Details about the presents I gotta get and the clothes on the racks that are begging to be worn are putting a new stress on me.

Ah well, at least I enjoy this "stress" a lot more. :)

Came to some conclusion with my mama and explained to her I'm going to splurge on clothes like never before because my wardrobe sucks and I hate hand-me-downs that don't suit me cos I'm too skinny, too fat (yes I can't believe this either), too old or too immature for the clothes.

Same for shoes, and I will not be forcing my feet into any nice close toed shoes if I can't wear them Stephanie' Fancy putting your best friend through foot binding. Evil girl.

Went to Sizzler's for dinner with the parents. The Verdict: Sizzler's can make steak, salmon, whatever, but their grilled chicken is still the best. Juices flowing out of the chicken and the tender meat that isn't too chewy, with a nicely grill charred skin that's got a nice light red-brown colour. Mmmm did I mention the aroma? Never had another grilled chicken like that.

Don't miss with them when it comes to the Singapore Spicy Chicken or the chicken breast (which has diced tomatoes on the side and a layer of molten cheese). No one grills like the pros.

And of course, the salads! So much variety.. all quality salads with every dressing,M! You'd have salads you never heard of. Yum! Fusili, Bacon, Madras, and mix and match your own. Heaven comes in veggies. 2 plates.

Soup! Had Spicy Chicken Gumbo, Clam Chowder, and Cream of Mushroom and the chefs were having a good day.

The not so important part was the pasta (soft) and tomato basil. Not bad though, it was fragrant.

Had dragonfruit and soft yummy rockmelon (really good, like soft honeydew).

The ice cream sucks. So i had none. My brother used a cone and filled it with choc fudge, the dressing for ice cream. My parents flipped cos we could be charged extra for wasting food.

Didi (to me): What, you've never been a kid before?

Me: Not a stupid one.

Mama: Lols, the kid I saw, he did the same thing, except he added rainbow sprinkles.

A day well spent, I might say. :)

reminders

2008-11-14T23:43:00.004+08:00

Things to do:

1. Update facebook (lowest on my list)

2. Catch up on the mrbrownshow.

3. Shakira songs to catch up on.

4. Clean out wardrobe, room, bookshelf.

5. Satisy cravings: - Ruffles, Hi-Chew, bread, ice-cream... Yum!

I had Nips which are chocolate coated peanuts and not what you think the name implies and some orange Fruitella.

6. Write a resume and find a good photo that is presentable.

7. A new umbrella, cos mine's getting wonky.

8. Picture posts with captions. And my pictures are never twitty, zilian or whatever!

Sizzler's tomorrow ya'll, which means more pictures! I sense a disturbance after the salad buffet...

episode 3

2008-11-14T23:02:00.004+08:00

Today was my off day with just lots of time to slack at home.

What I did:

1) Headed over to Steph's to kiap some brekkie and say goodbye.

2) Watched Food Lover's Guide to the Planet. Yum! Go young, new-age French chefs. Expensive gourmet though... I shall live it up in my fantasy or until I get a sponsor.

3) Read Nat Geo mag about Neanderthals (some of which I know) and pretty turqoise chested bee-eaters.

4) Read TODAY. No President has ever been as curious as Obama as been.
You have to go through a series of tests and produce evidence for everything you've done in your entire career to be top dog in his admin. The funny shit was the caption and the cartoon. The dude in the picture does the survey and the speech bubble says: I don't know Joe the Plumber!

5) Knocked out for 2 plus hours from drowsiness.

6) Added and customised my Cbox!

7) Chatted, played Neopets (while the novelty lasts), uploaded pictures to com and photobucket.

8) Folded the clothes and I did it better than my mama (on my to-do list to be helpful around the house)

9) Organised my textbooks, assessments and TYSes from Sec 3 and 4. Threw out all dusty shit that never made sense.

Sadly, I'm not done yet. Sigh, when, oh when will I be done. I hate cleaning things out. So much dust. Tsk! I swear that's the best excuse for a maid.

I have yet to organise it more thoroughly and wipe the bookshelves, then put back what I want, then put the rest in the storeroom. The papers go out to the karang guni.

Helpful mummy did the rest after I was too tired. Gosh, where the hell does she get her energy from, she just organised my brother's school things.

Had a yummy homecooked dinner. 2 failed attempts at making sausages today. Lunch was exam-style. Lazy to cook, lazy to eat. White rice to fill me up. Pulverised some ants, disgusting insects. Do them in with some spray. Watch them wriggle, pulse and ... stop moving. What a glorious sight.

Other than the fact that I have to do cleaning (I'd rather do the dishes), today's a relaxing day. Oh yeah. Nothing too pressing on my mind besides all the dust I have to clean out.

Well, for the more emotional part (it's just me), I get all angsty, angry, frustrated at everything like I'm on one of those days. I speak fast, my heart beats with the stress in my head, I'm snappy, extremely impatient, torn up and all I wanna do is kill some people I don't like.

Oh my.

I suppose it's partly due to my mother's nagging. Now ya'll see why I don't find Mr Lim all that naggy. I got the worst hand.

I hate it when my mama acts like a know-it-all. Of course I know that I don't know my results yet and if I'm going to retake, she just makes it sound like I'm ignorant and NOT LISTENING TO HER. LISTEN WOMAN, THE MORE YOU TELL ME, THE MORE I'M LIKELY TO IGNORE YOU.

Okay drama-mama moment.

She doesn't want me to throw out my things, she wants me to reorganise painstakingly like the past few years of my life, she's acting like gee, for my next exam or working life, I have to write another SEQ essay. What are the odds of that? AND, I can start from scratch. esp if I'm unlikely to rummage through more dust.

I hate dust. I love vacuum cleaners.

And its also partly cos I'm haunted by the future and the past, how infuriating it all was. People don't know how to handle my academic weaknesses and I just get trapped in the terrible never-ending cycle.

No worries. I'll handle whatever comes, and overcome it.

What I want is just a fresh start.

So many dead trees from wasted paper.

It's only a waste if students don't do the work that teachers print for them right?

Not the fact that the teachers care about us enough to give us practice when we need it, right?

You know what?

Why are we given so much holiday homework? I can't remember a single holiday that was a holiday. Such is our society.

We know you care about us and the trees, yes Mr Lim (and Mdm Rani hehe. Huiyi totally hugged a tree), but if u give us so much, we can't finish it cos we're all not the pros or the elite, or just plain muggers (crazy shit), even if we want to, the stress just piles up and it drives us away.

Eventually, it works against you. Students don't care because they feel so pressurised they turn off, and the trees die because of students, and it's our faults. Another expectation to live up to. Hooray.

We love ya'll, we don't care how you're brought up cos we got our fair share of shit too. I do appreciate the work teachers do (have a post on this), but times have changed, move on with the times and different circumstances. And I love trees, mind you.

Well, maybe it's just me alone that's like that.

You can treat me as an isolated case who wants to do well and fit it to the fabric of success.

Pent-up emotions are still with me. Awwwww... gotta find some way to release em'.

At least I'm not living in Seoul, sitting for their CSAT. Life's much worse over there. Poor kids. So much for the Asian models. I do wish to see a shift in attitudes.

:)

Like the bit of wisdom imparted to me today: God gave us contentment in living, not disappointment in trying to live it up. Life's worth should not be priced with anything except life itself.

Just depends on how someone defines life. We all accept simple pleasures deep down though.

My, I tend to get emotional. Time to find a counsellor. A professional one, mind you. Non-professionals haven't been all that successful with me.

episode 2

2008-11-13T23:55:00.006+08:00

Day 2 of Post-Os. Sounds like a cereal.

Woke up with the sniffles and some crankiness. Oooooh it's that time of the month again!

Went to Stephanie's with Sharon. An afternoon of unsatisfactory bei mian, donuts (in many many colours and flavours yum yum yum), chocolate, snacks... which by the way I gotta get Ruffles tomorrow. My favourite potato chip, you're mine! Rufflemania. I like, Doritos, Twisties, Pringles, (hate double decker, corntos is ... blah), Cheezels, but the ridges are all mine! Come to mama!

Well now I'm actually glad that I have less thinking posts, that's why I say I'm a half-thinker, I wouldn't enjoy thinking all the time. The brain has to leave the building ... and when it does ... oh my. And when my brain's doing the thinking, I think i do scare a lot of my friends.

Anyway, back to the day.

I had a scrumptious, weird-interesting-tasting green tea donut, and I can still smell it, a bit of a sugar-frosted jam middle donut from Sharon, and a little of the creamy holeless donut with strawberry icing and white cream.

Then the main attraction, we played Monopoly Global, oh yeah. It isn't as fun when you're losing though, cos it feels like it's money you're losing. The game goes on for hours, no wonder it's a family favourite. To keep the kids occupied until they got so bored they'd rather go to bed. Or when they're losing muahahhaa.

Sharon monopolised the game. Grrr! You never lose your money to 2 people, but 1.

1.

That's painful yo, at least we weren't playing with real money, or monopoly money for that matter. All in credit cards, complete with electronic banking (banker is a little machine), card slots, CARD REJECTION (hehe stephanie arh...), pity discounts, evil laughter, hard thinking, business deals, interest, the updated capitalist world. Where you buy landmarks like Rome, Tokyo, Belgrade (some of mine), New York, Hong Kong, Istanbul (Sharon's), Taipei, Jerusalem, Montreal (Stephanie's). Or power supplies and transportation. Cool shit.

Tiring but fun, and thoroughly amusing. Set us thinking about how unpredictable the business world is, and how I'll end up losing all my properties cos I sucked so bad at monopoly and was unlucky.

No notes that will end up curling up and yellowing were used. Everything in a fancy credit card to be punched in for transactions...

Mine was red, Sharon's was pink and Steph's was yellow.

Ah well, the race for the first bankruptcy was between me and Steph. Fun while it lasted.

Moved on to my house for dinner. It's her first time having a proper dinner at my place. Steph eats everything that I don't. And Sharon eats everything that we do and don't. Don't mess with her, she'll eat you.

All candid moments on pictures up tomorrow!

On a more thoughtful note, instead of getting haunted by my incoming results and doubtful performance, I guess I did do my best, given my circumstances.

Sucks big time, and my h key is getting screwed. Screw you back stupid keyboard. *pout*

Mmm I do want new hair next week, swimming with the cousins (not the fishes), watch Mean Girls with Mythili (never seen it before, feel like such a loser, but Lindsay Lohan's an even bigger whacked up one now)

Gosh I used to like her. What's up with Disney girls becoming skanks or are skanks-to-be? Not worth idolising or even liking. Put on your acting chops girl, I wanna be entertained! And yes, you are an entertainer. Get your game together and stop partying like the whole world's gotta entertain you Lilo. We ain't got time to be lesbian and be ambiguous about whether we're bisexual. Or maybe the rehab's not working. Okay I should stop.)

Christina Aguilera's the only one that's still respectable. *listens to Keeps Getting Better* Even though she got dirrty and is stuck in Britney's shadow, at least she didn't screw up so much. She overcame her hospital and isn't in a mental hospital now. At least now I know that she really is comfortable with her sexuality such that she wants to show you her bits but definitely wasn't marketed as a sex object (by someone else).

We might question her style, obscenity, how her singing is annoying when she screams like her mic's not turned on, or her long or high notes... she's got brains lah. And even if her boobs are like...nevermind. Go scar your eyes with the strangeness if you want to.

Alright enough digressing. Just know I won't like Disney girls (or boys. Zac Efron. You're a pretty boy who can't act, and you're not pretty to me, sadly. Damn you Jonas Brothers. If girls had more taste, or different ones, they wouldn't be grovelling at your feet. Twits. Jonas Brothers so not heartbreaker material. Go home to your mummy you pubescent boys who can't rock and have a terrible band name. Jo Bro? Ju gotta g(r)o(w). I wouldn't watch you anyway.)

I hate pretty boys for that matter. Go pick who you wanna be already. And pretty isn't "handsome" so says the definition of a good-looking guy. On a crappy note, I would die if the guy I'm next to is prettier than me. Oh my I have vanity issues.

Another late night, oh no. I have got to come home earlier. Well, can't be too late tomorrow. Another fun fact: watched Soviet UFO Secrets and Tribe today.

Tomorrow's another day that I'm looking forward to.

episode one - post o-levels celebrations

2008-11-12T23:37:00.003+08:00

I'm painting the town red. Well actually, not really cos JSS's red too. damn. okay, red, orange and yellow is out.

I'll paint the town polka-dotted silver and blue. Yup, christmassy!

So yes, after the O's, I went for the last drama lesson (oh dear!). Edwina is indeed wonderful. But she seemed a little strange when she stared at me. Since it's my first time there, I forgot to remove my shoes after the break, and I thought she was pissed at me cos I was late (no toilet paper. see la! im moving to a better place, WITH toilet paper).

Did breathing exercises, which did make me feel all floaty. My blocked nose is blocking out the air. I couldn't breathe well enough. -_- And yes Shawn. Edwina is lovely, just like StephanieK, so you should keep up your fascination with older women that are extremely nice.

Instead of celebrating my O levels' end, I celebrated StephanieL's bdae with Sharon. Oh yeah, and calling it the 30fus is a little cheesy though ... (you named a group of people?). Headed to IMM a hungry little corn, and had ban mian again cos I was curious. Pictures will be up tomorrow, since the Stephanie is hoarding it right now. The usual Garden Plaza, Daiso, Mini Toons. I ended up babysitting again.

Bought the mama a nice pretty glass oil or vinegar storage container and a pretty black pepper shaker in a black figurine.

I thought it was really practical, until she said

"What do we need the pepper shaker for? Ours is more effective!"
"Where to put all these things?!"
"You know hor, to use the glass bottle, we need to use a funnel, of which we must clean after that!"

I give up. Practicality beyond me.

Yes, I made a list of things to do and buy. First and foremost, I'll need a nice, presentable, preferably non-pimply picture of myself for resumes, not cos I'm zilian. Then, a job. Turns out that it's harder to find than I thought it would be.

I'm ready for the holidays yo. Come to mama! Will be touching lots of money tomorrow. Lots of properties, taxes, banking... in Monopoly.

Awwwwwwwwww

One game not affected by the recession, which by the way, when you use such words these days, it makes you seem big and important.

Check out the new blogskin. It totally speaks to my holiday mood, and it's not very twittish or too common. Can't stand twittish blogskins. About how I'm ready for a new life, a relaxing holiday and new exciting discoveries (whether I like it or not). And after removing the sheep killing blogskin, I've definitely progressed. From completely losing (or not having) an identity in the first place to seeing a bit of the light. I'm ready to see it all.

New sights, and going around the quaint bends... I wouldn't go to London, since it rains everyday there, but it sure is picturesque, especially of my current state.

Visiónes Impresionantes ... Breathtaking Views.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. - Good Riddance, Green Day

2008-11-12T23:07:00.004+08:00

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

I'll hop into a race car out of the school and wave goodbye to the yellow, orange and orange building (dammit, paint it a different colour!). And i'll wave to the people inside......

"SEE YA SUCKAS!!!!!"

THE O'S HAVE ENDED FOR ME YA'LL.

My entire existence in secondary school has ended, which leaves me great relief. I need a break, a permananent one frm secondary school. Sure the memories are great and all, but the pain of realisation isn't worth going through again. We've learnt what we gotta learn, so let's move on. And if you can help it, be happy about it, of which both i glady oblige.

Oh well, even though I didn't breathe the huge sigh of relief or join in the yays, or laugh at the bio students, I was pretty disappointed with the last paper. God save the corn. Fret fret fret, that's what I did.

Anyway, I'm going to start blogging (hopefully) everyday for my days of freedom. Entertaining, thoughtful quirky banter dished in a lovely accent.

So... no more worrying. I gotta reassure myself that no matter the outcome, there's still a big Plan for me to follow, just that I don't know what it is yet, but I can find out.

And in this span of time, I'll be going on a journey (not to Vietnam), but one of self-discovery, now that I can impart my time fully to what I love. Plus finding out what else I'm good at :)

On the upside, NO MORE JURONG SECONDARY SCHOOL! YES MUAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!

*pops champagne and bathes in it*

I shall now gloat about how wonderful it is to be O-U-T.

No more stifling shit, no more getting screwed by the same few system and the same old system (even if im gonna get screwed worse, a change is good), freedom from stress of studying, no more juggling things that make my head ache, going out with friends and contacting them so I won't miss them so much, freedom to blog, an open voice to talk talk talk freely without feeling I'm watched by CCTV, all da bitching to be done, ...

no more stresses about getting stepped on, walked over, or people feeling like I'm walking over them, no more of such misunderstandings after I've understood myself more, ...

starting anew, afresh, FRESH AIR, doing what i wanna do, believing in myself that I'm worth more than I step on myself for, so much living to compensate, a REAL HOLIDAY esp after the past 10 years of my life, so much life to live, so much hope and light at the edge of the world,...

an identity, confidence, laughing,...

knowing that I've gained more than the people who have gained short-term, no more shit jobs that don't pay me a single cent but screw me in every way, no more injustice as I know of (in this school lahs), a newer, brighter future to look forward to, long and short term, no more biased crap passed off as excellence,...

Shaking away the chains and escaping unceremoniously,

I feel like Mas Selamat.

Plug your toilets people. I might escape.

Freedom to be as crazy as I want to be.

My library fine of ... 60 cents is settled. -_- I thought it would come up to a few dollars. Sorry yo, Hairil, had I known it was 60cents I wouldn't have insisted you paid one-third of it. Sowie.

Note: Do not take the sentences below too seriously

*drama queen fit*
I shall rip out the little square on my uniform and stomp it flat on the dust! now DIE DIE DIE!!!

Celebrate, tear up your entry proof, burn your books, anyting to celebrate, though today I didn't properly celebrate for the ending of O's.

No regrets.

*flips hair*

*walks away*

the man on the moon

2008-11-03T18:27:00.002+08:00

If the cure for a broken heart is love (so says Shakespeare), then the cure for broken faith is a miracle.

(This will be an egocentric post)

I gotta stop being unconfident. And I need a professional counsellor.

At 2am, before I slept, I decided that what I'm seeing now isn't my true potential. Surely I could do so much more before, why not now? It's amazing how 4 years of secondary school really dragged me down like this, but I won't say it hasn't toughened me up. The O's is just another test I suppose. Wine becomes more valuable as it ages... wish I could say the same about women.

Watched the Proud Family Movie yesterday, haha well, I love Oscar the daddy the most. So unreasonable he's actually funny. A very Will Smith kinda daddy, but a lot snappier. He disallowed his daughter to turn 16 cos she kissed a boy. LOL freaking funny!

Grandma: I'm going to soak in that hot tub until I get all wrinkly.

Oscar: Too late for that mama.

Anyway, I'm going to have to stop this unconfidence from standing between me and a successful life. I can do so much more, and I will. Like Pi says, fear is but an impression. I used to have a lot more drive and motivation... and I did reach heights I didn't think possible.

Therefore, I conclude that I do have strengths besides academics. And that I'm not academically stupid. If I did it before, I can do it again. If I haven't done it, then I can do it too. I know what I'm doing.

Counting the number of "I"s, this post is really... diva-ish. Haha oh well, personal space.

Anyway, on a positive note, I'm really glad to see that EL is getting more recognition, esp after the musical. Well, negative recognition is nothing that we can't handle. Just that I knew that focussing more on the musical would be a long-term bargaining chip, and we got the best drama and debate trainers now. Saved!

Well, just really happy that what the seniors wanted to see (for generations) did happen. Of course it probably comes with catches since it's obvious that they aren't really into cultivating arts for all the authentic glory that it has. More of, I train you, you do propaganda through drama for me. Quite a shame, but it's a start. So be prepared juniors.

Well, I'll be needing work in the holidays, something to keep me occupied and earn my keep! Sounds so...

Haha, anyway, which reminds me it's time to be very good friends with StephK.

fashion statement

2008-10-29T17:49:00.007+08:00

You know how you gotta update your look once in a while?

Yup, after my O's im gonna get a new look! Mmm, so I know I'll have a fringe for sure. Completely straight and flat (yup, fringes that pop out don't work for everyone, sure my primary school classmates can vouch for that)

Just cos I looked "cute" then it doesn't mean the look will work for me now okay.. I've erm, grown up. (not a lot)

Not too excited about looking like someone else.

And being told "HEY YOU KNOW ARH YOU LOOK LIKE (fill in the blanks, lols you guys should know lah)."

It's like, why doesn't anyone tell her "YOU KNOW YOU LOOK LIKE CONSTANCE OMG YOU'RE SO LUCKY WHY CAN'T I BE YOU!"

Okok, jkjk. Indulging in my inner diva. If Beyonce's Sasha Fierce, Mariah ey is, well Mariah Carey, hmmm..... Ya, people never look like me. I look like so-and-so.

Yeah!

1)Lady Gaga:

Fringe and retro hair sloping at the ends. 70s glam, 80s vogue? Mhmm, of course in the natural black-brownness of my hair.

Yeah, that's her brand of music. Considerably visual and slightly strange. Like a hammer smashing a huge ice block is "breaking the ice" and having pretend sex with an inflatable float is called "humpback whale".

But her presentation of pop music is interesting though. One of the few dance songs that I actually enjoy. "Just Dance"

2)The latest Christina Aguilera:
http://www.tu.tv/videos/christina-aguilera-vma-2008

Haven't been able to found a still picture, but it's long, layered with a flat fringe. Futuristic technica, cue synchonised dancing and Andy Warhol pop art. Yup, planning to be as colourful and bold as that. Flashlights, silver and black.

Ready to save the world in my new hair.

3)Cleopatra

Halloween might be over, but we all love Cleo anyway. Of course, only a few people can pull off exotica. And I'm doubting I'm one of those people. C'mon, look at that fringe! Risky! Haha, at this rate am I going to layer my hair? Cut yes, layer.. maybe not so much.

Doubt I can do the gold-plated braids though.

That's Elizabeth Taylor as Cleo. Legendary beauty and screen actress.

Hha, what's up with the eye makeup for all 3 candidates anyway? They don't look the same by the way. Getting tired of my Shakira-esque do. Not much a do, but she did have the same hair before.

Shakira

Yup, the closest picture I could find. 1996 Shakira, singer-songwriter, rock more than pop. Yup, latina women change their hair all the time. Authentic stay-true-to-yourself look, anti-mass influence look.

Which I have been sticking to quite some time now.

Maybe ...

Without the purple. Las de la Shakira. (she's the one in black)

Haha well I have been against mass trends though, takes away individuality doesn't it? A stump of ponytail in 2006 is not a ponytail. It's a pathetic excuse for tie-able hair. Sorry, but it is.

Now that people are into long flowing hair, I happen to be chopping it off. Unintentionally though.

Ah well, gotta stick out and be one in a million.

Do post your opinion in the tag box! xD

Nobody can't hold us down, us down - Christina Aguilera

2008-10-29T17:11:00.007+08:00

Disclaimer: Don't read this post if you get distressed by my rantings. If it should make you feel any better and boost your confidence on someone being down and out in the O's and you're doing really fine and you can use someone's low to take u higher, by all means.

No really.

Wanted: Punch Bag

Humans and inanimate objects free to apply.

Call 1800-I-SCREWED-UP-MY-O-LEVELS.

Damn the O's giving me a big headache. I've felt every form of negative emotion (except for a suicidal tendency cos that's just dumb). Frustration, anger, disappointment, dejection, anxiety. Least I haven't felt apathy yet. Closest I get is just unmotivated. Then I'll just pretend I don't care or just laugh at the impossibility of it all. (I haven't lost it okay... that's contradictory)

Sucks when you don't just disappoint yourself but when you felt like you've let down your whole world. I mean, of course, if you're your whole world ... haha diva!

Now I shall curse my Mp3 for dying on me when I need it's amazing ability to play songs from a tiny stick. damn you technology.

To everyone I know: Sorry if I piss you off with my post-paper negative chakra (is that what it's called?). I'll be fine. Just thinking of how I've disappointed myself and the people i actually care about. (makes me sound so... uncaring to the rest of the world) haha... sweet irony. Because I care about me and you, I get angry at you, which makes you think I don't care for you cos I don't give you a break.

Nope, I'll get over it. Even if I've shown that I couldn't, but I will. You gotta feel upset for all there is before you can move on without a load on your shoulders.

Sometimes its so hard to think positive.

One chance to do it, one chance to screw it.

So much for being bound by your limitations. Don't be too hard on yourself if things haven't been going your way for the last 4 years. No really, just take it easy and hope you don't fall in the last lap.

I'm running low on endurance here ya'll. Why am I losing my patience when I need it the most?

I just wanna do well in life. SO STOP MAKING IT SOUND LIKE THE O'S ARE SEC 4S LIVES PLEASE I DON'T WANT MY LIFE TO REVOLVE AROUND AN EXAM! They should never have told me that O levels determine what and what. Cos now I can't get it out of my head. (This my friends, is a suggestion, not an accusation even though it sounds vaguely and angrily like one)

What next? It only takes away my ability to be happy and move on. And it eats up my endurance. And it gives me a gloomy perspective of life.

It's all about studying to move on to more studying to move on to an ideal.

Watch what you say educators. Your words have a huge influence on people who care. Or care too much. At least on the subconcious it has an effect.

I suppose it has a lot to do with how I deal with things. (Well, duh) Gimme a break now, I'm growing up. In Singapore.

I have got to re-wire my mentality to put it to success mode. yeah right, tried that so many times. I have got to see a shrink. I can't help it. Why am i stressing so much over something that I can't see?

I suppose I'm just afraid things won't turn out the way I want them to. I need them to.

I want my As! Do I think I have done enough?

Did I panic?

Did I try my best?

Did I try my best to get over it?

What's wrong with me?

Don't answer these for me, I know. I suppose it's like driving through the middle of nowhere without a map seeking for solutions. When will we get there? I told you, we'll get there when we get there. Shut up for the rest of the drive.

Still, it isn't a case of "The more my prayers, the lesser my grace". God has been kind enough to me, and I don't blame Him for things that don't seem to work out since I'm not omniscient. How would I know that it can be part of a larger frame of things that work out? Haha, well its a different story when you know the question's easy and how to do it, but you panic, there's no time and you didn't study it clearly enough, but you did study it.

Moral of the story: Don't assume things and point fingers at divinity, demons or humanity. We ain't blessed with an all-seeing eye.

Well now I see a bit of the shining point lighting up the despair. Suppose I can start off by not writing off uncertainty as positive.

Cos you'll never know. Just hope it doesn't bite you in the ass.

Also, even if things don't work out when the results come out, they're also a part of uncertainty that's in the rest of your life.

Bah, will be lending my textbook, notes, TYS and solutions for next year O level students. Haha, you'll like my notes if you can understand it.

I've done what I can.

I'll fly higher cos they can't stop me.

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Just what I can say about things that screwed me. Hahah, what better way to put it?

I always believed that women have rights and that there are some women that are intelligent enough to claim those rights. - Shakira

2008-09-21T12:13:00.004+08:00

Disclaimer: Slightly random post which is quite nonsensical, so if you're a minor celeb or a race queen, don't be offended.

LOL, I had no idea. (overused phrase)

I feel extremely clueless. This morning, there was erm a bunch of people, like the amount of people in a small protest, in white and black, and they're congregating at the ground floor of my block.

My parents say a celebrity resides in the same block, then "din dei". Gee, I've lived here for 9 years and I don't know anything about this, or seen anyone famous. Must be really blur.

Unless of course the celebrity is really a nobody, maybe in my eyes, since I don't think any Singaporean celeb is worth fangirling over. Or I haven't watched TV in a loooong time. LOL, dumbass stalkers. Pick a more famous stalkee.

Ah well, besides that, I read the Saturday papers on a Sunday morning. So much for the F1. Sex sells. Real fast. The booty and the bonnet makes good business, try saying that real fast :) haha, damn the picture on LIFE! with all the race queens on it (international blend), some of them look like transvetites oh gawsh. Too much makeup doesn't help. Less is More, darlings.

The highest paid race queens are rather well... lucrative. 3000 bucks for hanging around the race track in a short skirt and tiny top. Guys -_- A no-brainer really, at most you just get to do is wave the flag and don't stand in the way of the racing cars. And be leggy and have a substantial top half of body.

You know what they say, beauty and brains make little company nowadays. No lah, just kidding. Shakespeare's line was: Reason and Love keep little company. Still, I don't get it. If they were really smart and successful at something else, they probably wouldn't resort to being worth as much as a racecar.

Kinda like talent shows: People with no talent go talent shows cos they're not very good at anything else. Cos if they were that good, they wouldn't be wasting their time slogging through a competition, they'd be focusing on the thing that they're really good at. So much for "Oh I'm an undergrad and I'm doing this for a once-in-a-lifetime experience and I love racing". It's hard to take someone like this seriously when they're posing in a tube top and short skirt.

Still, unless they needed the money, why would they let people they don't know look at them like that? Of course, some do enjoy the attention, not all of course.

Same goes for FHM girls. If they were really smart, why would they feel compelled to project their images and bodies in such an unclassy manner? If you're really good at modelling, try fashion magazines then. Why a men's magazine and it's like, being marketed as a sex object. So much for dignity.
And making sushi behind a glass panel in your lingerie in the middle of Orchard Road doesn't count either.

Heavily modified Lamborghinis, heavily modified girls. Just as race cars and racers alike will have fans and critics, so will the race queens. They're girls, not women. It's like, models backstage before going on a runway, they're always addressed as girls.

Still, car models and race queens, when being put alongside commercial cars or race cars, their status becomes the same of that of the product that the company is selling. Specifically, it is such models even though many products are advertised with females. That's because they dress in such a way that it's titillating so that the formula goes: Guys see car, feel the urge to buy. Girls flash, guys decide on buying.

Apparently, the article also had someone attending the F1 saying that people are of course not there for the well-endowed cars, but also the well-endowed girls. How much are they worth now? To be looked at like a product instead of a human being. Maybe just a sales technique.

Appearance-based, and they're always behind the glass of a shop window. Lack of individuality and brains. Being sexy, like what J.Lo (Hello, it's J.Lo) says, is to withhold something special back, not give it all away. And it sure doesn't mean whoring oneself out.

Men will be men (Changing them is impossible. If it wasn't, Playboy wouldn't be circulating now) Ladies have a choice on how they want to project themselves on the other hand.

I'm Done (for).

Regret Only Stays Regret If You Do Not Let Go Of Past Circumstances

2008-09-14T11:43:00.004+08:00

Been out with the cousins yesterday. Catching up with them was a lot of fun, though not without misunderstandings (and gossiping). Ah well, I'm so darn un-fit, this is real bad, and I'm losing my patience with my goggles and water-clogged frozen ears. uhohs.

(Hmph. 16 rounds and counting in the pool damn you. Make me feel so bad about myself. And Jasmin's faster than me now NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Time to shape up! *gets fat ass off couch* Not to mention, I have 2 mugger-NJwannago-s cousins. Feelin' the pressure ya'll. *feels real inferior about wanting to take alternative route*)

The O's are in less than 2 months, 30 plus days to be exact. Time to get back to studying today. I'm going into deep thought.

So much for conflicting advice.

To do what you like to do so you won't regret (or would), or to go down the mass route (whether you will regret or not is another thing)

Wings take me higher, sky please come lower.

The swimming pool and the study room, then eventually the exam hall. What's the difference? It really makes me feel that whatever it is, I'll never have their speed, stamina or skill. Now, even our aspirations are different. Not like there's a problem with that.

I learnt to kick my legs to keep myself afloat, to breathe underwater, to make sharp turns in the water, to save myself if i was drowning, and i was pulled out of deep water twice when I couldn't rise above the surface.

The feeling of sinking is never fun. To think they were the ones to teach me how to swim. At least now, I know I would never die as quickly if i was thrown into uncharted territory.

I still find that most of the time, I'm struggling to keep myself afloat.

When can I be on par with everyone else? I don't want to lag behind. Then again, it might not be so much of a case of being like everyone else... Damn I'm confused.

I want to be my own person and find my own direction, and yet I feel that I cannot be far behind others cos I wouldn't know if it's foolproof. And yes I need it to be foolproof, its the o levels for pete's sake, not just another challenge at swimming to see who can get to the other side of the pool first.

In that case, I know I'll always be third best.

hold me and control me and melt me slowly down, like chocolate - chocolate, kylie minogue

2008-09-05T20:44:00.005+08:00

Ever heard of Kylie Minogue's Chocolate from her 2003 album Body Language? That was before she had breast cancer, but that's besides the point. I'm glad she's back and definitely electrifying and magnetic. Go Kylie.

Kylie Minogue - Chocolate

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1LOSQ6wSmw

Fragile seams
I opened up too quick and all my dreams
Were walking out i'd slowly
Lost my fire
With every single man a river cried

I had no sensation
Completely numb, left with no satisfaction
I thought no-one could ever get me high again
I swear, I was not looking

Oh, waited so long
I thought the real thing was a fake
I thought it was a tool to break me down
You proved me wrong again

[Chorus]
If love were liquid it would drown me

In a placeless place would find me then

Melt me slowly down

In a heart shape come around me and

If love were human it would know me
In a lost space come and show me
Hold me and control me and then
Melt me slowly down
Like chocolate

Tastes so good
My heart's been mended who'd have thought it would
An empty bet and still I won the cash
A man who I love and who
Loves me back

Oh, waited so long
For love to heal me so I'd feel it
Thought it wasn't breathing then you came
You proved me wrong again

[Chorus]

Like chocolate come here
Zoom in, catch the smile
There's no doubt it's from you
And I'm addicted to it now

Just one look boy to melt me down
Just one heart here to save me now
Your candy kisses are sweet I know
Hold me tight baby don't let go

[Repeat]

[Chorus]

If love were liquid it would drown me
In a placeless place would find me
In a heart shape come around me and then
Melt me slowly down
Like chocolate

Listening to the song itself, it really well.. sounds like a sweet addiction, or if sex could be translated into a song, it would probably sound like that (not that I know it will sound like that lah!)

With Kylie's wispy vocals (which Mythili says it's the same noise you get when you pinch a baby), and the perfect blend of pop music, it's like you'll find yourself absorbed into the content of the song. Like... being drowned in a pool of warm, smooth, sticky high-grade chocolate. Ooh and it has this numbing, heavy, lingering, anaesthetic smell that punctures all your senses.

Sounds like alcohol. They have chocolate filled with alcohol anyway. In my previous post, I said I don't touch alcohol in itself (which means it would exclude yummy yummy food like herbal chicken), which points to mhmmm I don't know, vodka?

It's like, when you change the context of the song, alcohol becomes like the love Kylie is singing about, or the chocolate that she's having that really tastes like love. I suppose people who take alcohol, appreciate it, REALLY REALLY appreciate it *ahem* or just try it out of curiosity might feel this way, since I wouldn't know just yet.

Skipping the part on how alcohol is good for you, bad for you, or the fact that you're an underage drinker, I'm not really gonna talk about that since it's your life and how you wanna run it is your business.

What's really fascinating and disturbing is the addiction.

Perhaps being at this age, lack of understanding from erm, life experiences, and the fact that I don't want to think about this now, I can't really describe an addiction except through analogies. Well when I do get an answer I'll update.

What I think an addiction is:

you try it for the first time -> you can choose to like it or not -> you end up wanting another go at it whether you like it or not -> because somehow it does something for you, even if you say, no, just by going back, something is definitely ticking -> you have it a few more times -> you keep coming back for more, whether it makes sense to you or not, sometimes subconciously -> addiction?

The effects vary of course. But I'm guessing how it pretty much goes in the process.

Mhmm, just by ordinary everyday speech and emotional reactions, even if we don't really know the person, we can somehow tell what their lives are like behind the facade we see. And of course, whether we choose to close one eye or not is up to us.

History Lesson:

The USSR under Gorbachev continues an anti-alcohol campaign which is hugely unpopular with the ordinary Russians, especially when vodka is the only way they can get plentiful, cheap and an escape from the misery of living under a Communist regime.

It is met with a lot of opposition, and I suppose if my class had a say, Gorbachev would lose his presidential post even more (which he did).

I wouldn't say who, but by the angsty posts when I blog-hop (nothing in the Net is ever private), making observations of them going "WHY WOULD THEY BAN VODKA?!", or maybe a trip down to the supermarket and being asked how to pronounce "Bacardi" and watching someone get fascinated by the alcohol shelf... secretly whining for an older person to buy some off the shelf.

Well, like I said, even if you don't take it regularly, simply by wanting more of it when its access is restricted to you... or not, isn't that already an addiction since it's clear that a dependence on alcohol has been formed.

Doesn't help that you're only 16.

Apparently, it's a mental thing. Is it an emotional state of mind? I don't know. I'm not stopping anyone here, unless they're my 16-year-old friends. For one thing, I care. Ignore this message if you think I'm talking crap, but if you're specifically a friend of mine, you'd better listen to what I have to say. As far as I'm concerned, it's an obligation of mine that I'll have to tell you this, but whether any of you are going to listen, it's a personal choice.

Wanting lots of booze, damn doesn't it sound destructive? Yup I don't really care if I sound like a virginal geek now. So what if I am? I understand the implications of posting this on non-private cyberspace, and yeah, this is my blog. Welcome if you haven't realised.

Whether you think this is a bad thing or not, and that you can get off the hook cos, c'mon, you're not really addicted, and it just makes you forget all your troubles when the stuff trickles down your throat.

HUH? CONTRADICTION MUCH! It's like saying, I don't need it, oh wait I do, I don't want it, oh yeah can I have some now?

Get it?

Precisely it is the dependence that's really scary. A little once in a while is fine (as long as you're legal), but you're not. There's a reason why it's imposed on the underage. Besides preventing lawlessness, it's like a barrier that doesn't want you to feel a need for it at such an age, when you're physically and mentally developing.

Logically, it does make some sense because when you think of it. Like how there are laws against sexual activity for and with minors.

Besides the socio-economic factors, there is also the question of whether the teen is ready for marriage and sex. Not like people don't know how to have sex (that's why the Internet was invented). it also has to do with the mental development. The logical side isn't as developed as the emotional side of the brain and the physical development.

Hypothesising, the same goes for alcohol. People depend on alcohol when they're getting on their years because it energizes them, or relaxes them, or when they're old enough to handle it and not abuse it (unfortunately many adults haven't grown up either).

Being a teen and making comparisons to say, people in their 20s, 30s, 40s etc., it's obvious that teens have a natural revitaliser that works a lot better than older people, why else would they yearn to be 16 again, taking O's, and up and about for the whole day and not feeling as tired as they would at their ages?

Like how I don't do skincare products except for cleanser and in the future, pimple cream, I don't wish for my skin to get so pampered by the products that it can't start working it's natural magic for me when it actually has the ability to. By having that dependence, a sudden lack of NIVEA hand cream etc. might cause some side effects since you're so used to it.

Or who knows, your natural revitaliser wouldn't work as well as it should.

Addiction's still the worst, you want more when you don't need it. Gonna carry this for the rest of your life? Also, if you start something unsuitable earlier in life, most likely it's going to have some consequences in your later life.

Bristol Palin, Jamie Lynn Spears (who cares, they're rich), mhm Lindsay Lohan? She had too much of fame in her younger years, and it's so obvious she can't handle it. Consequence: Her fortune's squandered away already.

10 years from now, I wouldn't want to hear of anyone I know pulling a Christopher Lee. I'd rather be an unknown loser rather than an infamous character.

Liking alcohol is one thing, though I wouldn't encourage liking it now. Of course, moderation is another. Uh-uh, by wanting more even if you don't get to drink it that often is not moderation, it's already in your head that if you can have more, you would. Moderation is only when you get to freely drink it, then you make a concious choice to balance your intake.

a promise impossible to break is a promise never made - promise amiss, peaceful isle, the transcendent one

2008-09-05T18:02:00.006+08:00

This is bad. I have to stop this. Let me entertain you with my intelligent, quirky banter in a narration of today's events, that will somehow link to your lives through mine. Go storytelling.

Woke up at 7 to sms HuiJuan about Physics lesson, cos I'm not going to be late again (like I have been for all my Physics lessons on Saturdays), especially not 1 plus hour. Drifted back and forth to sleep wondering if she'll sms back, keeping me on the edge of "Should I skip this or not?".

Why I'm a bad student

1. Why wake up on a Friday morning during a holiday to go all the way to school?

2. My SPA file is less than ready. (Guilty as charged) Yeah... I'll probably end of doing copies of SPAs I didn't bother to dig out.

3. When I get there, I'd probably feel like tearing my test to shreds cos it wouldn't make the least sense to me.

4. Falling asleep in class sounds tempting, might as well snuggle up in my nice warm bed.

5. Don't think I'll understand everything that Mr Ng will talk about, the rest of the class will be like "OOOOOOOOO~" and Hui Juan will be like "But why?!!" and I'll be like "Relax, it's probably *crap explanation*, I dunno *slips into lalaland*" . Then Mr Ng will be slapping his forehead (inwardly, i can read teachers okay.) and say erm... logic governed by the laws of Physics that don't make any sense.

Why I'm a good student

1. I can't stay in bed past 10 or 11 anymore, and have the temptation to slip back into sleep. Being forced to go to school is a good thing. No more of such terrible habits that spring their ugly head during holidays.

2. I'll feel really really really bad about skipping. My conscience wouldn't forgive me for snubbing Mr Ng like I was some kind of diva by turning up fashionably late (it's never fashionable to be late though...no matter how late I turn up, I do understand this and try my best to get my lazy ass off the bed), or not turning up at all (it really bugs me, especially if I know I did have control over my actions, it's not like I was knocked out completely. I was half-awake at 7 for goodness sake)

3. Kept awake by the word to be a good girl, and it doesn't help that it so happened to be the birthday of the friend my mouth had to open and say "okok I'll try". As again, I was half-awake. It's a concious effort.

4. Damn, I have to stop saying things I might not be able to fulfil. I made a big big promise (to Someone more important of course, so going to need all the help I can get) to take care of myself. And going for Physics is like, a huge neon sign going blink blink "What are you waiting for? Get off the bed you... sloth? (so my friends, do not commit one of the seven deadly sins, especially if you have control over yourself)". Oh yeah... running from temptation is definitely better than resisting it headfirst.

5. If I never went, I'll never know. He might not ask for the SPA file, I'll magically know how to save my Physics test (fat chance), Data Source questions are actually my thing and I can do them so much better than Literature (sarcasm to be taken at the fullest). Or I can mooch off Hui Juan's data source and expect myself to understand everything that he says.

6. Maybe there'd be so little people turning up he wouldn't even touch SPA or Data Source. *crosses fingers* Eventually, I'll have to do both anyways, if not today, next next week in school. Worst still, have the test when I go back to school staying back like a sucker.

You can guess which was it that I picked. For the 17 other classmates that turned up that is.

Amazingly, simply because within the time I waited anxiously for Hui Juan's sms, and never once hoping that Mr Ng would cancel the lesson, being thrown back and forth to sleep and my conflicting thoughts, simply on whether I should turn up or not, would lead me to a descision that I should fulfil if not for anyone else, myself.

I guess it's a good thing I was unable to fully go back to sleep after 7am messaging Hui Juan. Simply from that one hour of questioning the 2 sides in my head, I guess it's brought home a bigger conflict that goes beyond going for Physics lesson on a Friday morning in September's bestest non-school week, which I guess I've got that covered.

Well... Physics was just a test and going through of the test, after that consultation which I didn't stay for, since I came empty handed for consultation materials. No SPA file, no Data Source (oh yeah!) *uncrosses fingers*

Despite being groggy, it's quite impressive that I'd probably have scored the same (as badly) as when I'm fully awake. At least I didn't panic ... just stare at the paper and reason with the little I remember, before deciding Faraday's Law (the only thing I really studied) would come into handy. Still can't believe I scored full for a.c generator when I don't know all the shit about it.

(I've never had alcohol as itself, though don't partake in vodka, bacardi, booze etc. will explain this later). Like being all groggy, half-asleep, half-dreaming, like running through virtual reality, all detached and pale. Sniffling and my mucus tap just won't turn off, my hair looking sick, yup sick. I'm more inaudible than usual, mumbling things that I don't hear and expect fully of others to hear it. And I feel like I can push my hand into anyone's face just to shut them up.

Mhmm hmmm girl you gotta stop this. I know I can't wake up every morning like I've gotten a hangover though I've never drank before. I guess the bigger conflict resolved would be knowing that besides laziness, it is just the fact that I don't want to get up at all cos getting up just reminds me of a school day where there's so much shit ahead.

I'm not a morning person, and it certainly isn't one of those rare days when I get up and say "Today, I shall conquer the world".

I suppose the reason why I don't want to go to sleep would be that it would be ending my favourite part of the day, which involves no school and no stress, well not a lot of it anyway. (This is after much thought. Not very much an excuse to me)

Time to stop running away. I guess I just gotta let it stop getting to me and biting me in the ass. Maybe that's why I had to make that promise - I never trusted myself to overcome this demon alone because it sure goes beyond liking to hibernate. More of the alluring comfort of sleep, that when I'm in a different realm, at least the subconcious where no one can touch me.

Perhaps because I felt so weak wanting to keep this to myself and not talk about it that I've never really given it much thought. You don't say prayers without a reason and I suppose when I was half-asleep, I've been wanting some help with this. And there the promise slips through my lips, since I know I won't ever be alone on this.

There's a whole day ahead for me to go after, and too much sleep will deprive that.

Goodnight and Good Morrow.

and the star spangled banner in triumph shall wave - us. national anthem/defence of fort mchenry

2008-08-23T14:20:00.007+08:00

If there's anything the Olympics have taught me, (oooh an entry about sports, so unlike me)

Africans can run.
Ang-mohs can swim.
Chinese can play table tennis.

And no, I don't idolise athletes, find them incredibly hot or dashing, or wish to marry them (people in China do that if you don't know) I have some sense in my head, well, some.

Fuelling stereotypes? As long as it doesn't hurt anyone, I'm cool. Quite entertaining actually. Must say this year's Olympics interested me more than Athens 04, for one thing I could watch people compete in sports without falling asleep. Not bad, considering how I can't stand the fact that we're made to watch school Sports Days, like I don't really give a damn unless I see someone I know on the running track. Then it's back to pissing off the cheerleaders due to my.. erm, lack of spirit.

Say it loud and say it proud. I'm for the Arts over and over again.

Well, guess from the reactions of people who park their asses on the couch watching (or at the Nat Day Rally), there's a lot nationalism and politics behind the Games.. I'm just wondering if it's the story behind the sweat, slip-ups and record-breaking that's so intriguing.

Congrats to Singapore on breaking the medal drought anyway. I didn't expect a win, much less a Silver medal.. to think I was laughing about this to Sharon during PE. *eats my words*

Of course another subject of discussion would be our imported talent, imported sportsman, imported salaries-to-be-paid to, imported pride, imported silver medals... Yup that's in short for what everyone's talking about. Quite clearly there's nationalism here, like who wouldn't want to see a true blue Singaporean bring home the glory? That we can hold our own against foreign athletes and show that yup, Singaporeans can run, swim, and paddle. Nothing wrong with feeling that way actually.

Or do entrepreneurship, make babies, pay more without grumbling to ERP gantries, make babies, up the replacement rate, make babies, date, marry and most importantly, spawn.

Oh my, I can see SDU starting to interfere with young adults to "change their mindset" already. NO!!! You can't touch us in school! (oh wait, they already did) Alright, more of this in the next post.

So there, some countries just churn out athletes like a baby making machine. So much that only the best of the best can make it to the national team. Guess that's why China tends to dominate table tennis and all. Cos the best of the best are in the team, whereas the second-besters are all over the world. Apparently, Singapore's not the only country who imports second besters, so ... misery loves company. :p

If you can't produce your own athletes, they're available on supermarket shelves. Like the news said, overcrowding. Demand and supply I guess, who would want to sit on the bench and wait for four years to go by every Olympics? The athletes want a chance to represent, to train with the best infrastructure and coaches, and countries want sports medals to gain "face".

As for the politics, the Bird Nest is one thing. My country kicks your country's ass oh yeah. Whoever gets to host the Olympics are obviously rich enough, powerful enough and yup.. hen you mian zi. Of course there's a lot of complicated relations in dangling financial carrots to athletes. Plus, isn't it weird that there aren't a lot of South East Asian representatives? Ah well.

In the name of exemplified sporting spirit and untold stories, go Beijing.

is that the bright light i see?

2008-08-06T23:21:00.003+08:00

This is a blog post for the sanity of us all.

Anyway darlings, this is for you too. Just so happened today I'm shifted to the back of the class, after the previous seat arrangement with lots of grievances involved. However, when I'm back with Sharon, it means I let my guard down and start giving off a dangerous vibe. Otherwise known as "emo-ing".

I hope I didn't scare Don too much, really I don't mind sitting next to you, in fact it's my pleasure to sit next to an untidy math nerd/pro (yeah.. your math skills are just as ... distinguishable as your handwriting, no one really beats you at this!) REALLY! If you're reading this: You'll get to know me better, and I'm harmless when I emo...well at least it wouldn't be directed at the parties not involved. See I'm a good girl.

So there, emo-ing in my seat cos I was feeling frustrated at everything, especially the shit of kinematics (settled today by my wonderful, preetyful, smartass Grace LOVEYOU i can't survive without you oh great lifeline paid 50 bucks per 2hours to be forced to sit next to me). Well, Math's gonna give me a brain tumour soon. Seething emotions and a headache, like when Gek Kim doesn't get the debate motion after more than half an hour, which by the way is 'Non-biodegradable materials should be charged more in consumption'. And some other issues that seem like such a waste of time.

It's the idea of how Prelims is in 20 days, O's in 75 days that really scare the shit out of me, and yeah I felt like breaking down during Amath. I wonder if it's a mental thing to feel like I'm not doing anything though I'm trying.

Anyway, thinking of how many other must feel the same way, I guess what we can do is be mutually supportive in every way we can... Okay that sounds so MsOng.

Since I'm currently unable to spend my time with you guys (aww), but here it is anyway... Will be updating on individual dedications like everyone's doing. I'm jumping on the bandwagon to spread the loooove. Do follow the link :) Yeah it means this much that i'm posting both the vid and the lyrics, don't disappoint me! GOGOGO!!

Christina Aguilera - The Voice Within

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWixUIMTjYc

Lyrics:

Young girl, don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl, it's all right
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl, don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl, just hold tight
And soon you're gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you're lost outside look inside to your soul

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Yeah...Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll ever need to know

You'll make it
You'll make it
Just don't go forsaking yourself
No one can stop you
You know that I'm talking to you

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall

Yup... That's about it, shall blog more about this, plus the dedications tomorrow... Just some things I wanted to say but couldn't. Yeah and now I do love Christina Aguilera, don't care if some people find her annoying. I just like her vocals and strength. As usual.

Goodnight! I shan't be late tomorrow... corright Mr Ang? (Damn he still has hallucinations about me being late and starts lecturing me!)

i'm a genie in a bottle, gotta rub me the right way - Christina Aguilera

2008-08-01T23:34:00.005+08:00

Changed my blogskin! Yup, definitely a breather from the bandwidth
exceeded photobucket shit. GRR! Ah well, I've grown to like my new skin already. At first I was so pissed off at blogskins cos there wasn't any skin that really appealed to me.

The basic writing styles etc. wouldn't change (back to skimming through my blog posts), but I guess from here, it would take a more analytical, 3rd party, Freudian perspective. Like I said, "more". :) I ain't going nowhere. Not planning to!

BTW, I'm not emo in this post, haha you should know me. Just being contemplative here.

Well it's just that some serious things happened lately, and by 'serious' it really is an understatement. *shifty* Just didn't know how much it snowballed. So there, I'm using this bloggy to do reflecting and all, so be happy Ms Ong. (don't come here after I've graduated thank you! I still need you and your impression of me to write my testimonial HEHEH)

Come on over, come on over baby.

Personally, I feel that because of my ambiguity (well more so than others), I really do leave it up to people to decide who I am, as in what they think of me. So, they just map out a picture of what they think, and react accordingly. Ah well, as much as it's not been an easy ride this way, at least it's told me who I can really trust to give me hand to, and take their hands. Again it's up to them to think if it's their loss or gain.

Suddenly I have to face the fact that I've a lot more internal and external mazes that I'd like to face up to. So yeah, a lot has got to do with perspective, from the most subliminal to the blatant. Tough nut to crack eh?

It's just, I had no idea that things snowballed to this state today, it's almost subconcious. Haha, this would be a good time to say that I might be taking drama too seriously. Wait, everyone's got drama in their lives.

Take acting.

There's the actor who just does whatever the director says.
There's the actor who goes against the director and does her own thing like a freaking diva. (Please don't bring Queenie into this! I'm the biggest diva here can!*flips hair* Check me out Queenie! I can do this hair flipping thing better than you can rock your silver strappy attention-deficit sandals)

See!! RAWR that's what I mean.

Then there's the director who's pretty much blur on how to do blocking, deal with difficult actors, then just decides "Let's just get this over with" and does a shitty job.
Or the perfectionist director who's getting walked over by everything. Exerting control is futile.

The frustrated senior and the impatient junior.
The perfectionist and the slacker.
The train wreck and the completely normal person.
The girl who scares Mdm Priya and also scared by her.

But I haven't lost my sense of purpose and sanity yet.. I think. Purpose definitely not. The people around me and the world, plus some reflections have settled that. Thank you guys (: For you all mean so much to me, I've gone to this extent.

Time for the tough to get going!

(And yes, I will do what I have to do. Sounds familiar, Sec3s? Look I'm doing it too!)

That aside, DAMNIT I WAS LATE TODAY. Woke up at the same time, stood at the bus stop at the same freaking time, maybe even earlier. 3 buses went by cause of the crowd... GRR. Darn, it's always the adults (at my stop) that are the frigging hell most kiasu ones. I can't tell you how many times i got shoved, pushed, ignored and treated like... just so they can get on the bus first, though we've been waiting earlier. We gots to go to school people. LOL, trying to beat the ERP is it? Damn, and to think the school always gets complaint letter about teens. Sure they're inconsiderate but not all of us. Uncivilised? We're not always in the wrong dammit. Look at yourselves. Yes it's coming from a teenager, call me defiant and rebellious and I haven't got parents for nuts. I'm just stating a fact.

Okay la, that's not the reason why I'm late. It's just 3 buses too crowded.. so it wasn't really my day. But I'm not gonna ruin it. :)

Hmm, I wonder if some teachers got something against me already. Ah well, I try to stay out of shit anyway. HOHO I CAN READ YOUR CUES PEOPLE. So yeah, i realised that whether or not you get punished for latecoming is mostly due to the teacher's mood. Observe.

Teachers in bad mood usually seem like they're having menopause (for women) or men-opause(for men) Thank you Shawn for this bit of info. I do feel sorry for you knowing an old man in his mid life crisis having problems with that. Would a gynae help?

Well...
They almost seem like Christopher Boone. 3 red cars makes it a good day. 5 yellow cars is a black day. Seriously! Like, 3 strikes and you're out. 3 good things happened to me before 7.25 and you're all scot-free.

Good mood: HELLO STUDENTS! Ya, what to do, the bus like that today! All write a complaint letter to SBS okay! For 45 years, and still like that. We have a world class service, so we should do something about it.

Me (under my breath, deadpan stare): Sure... world class service. Like what happened when mas selamat escaped. They're not going to respond to some dumbass letter. Hundreds of these must've been written 45 years ago, don't you think so too, Mr Ang? Common sense, I might be late, but I'm not as tired as I seem.

Who knows we can do another musical about his capture 45 years later to celebrate: Our Pride, Our Toilets.

Bad Mood: Today would be a splendid example.

Now I know how it feels like to be in one of those war movies where Jews and their buddies get locked up in Naze concentration camps, ooh ohh with an oversized Nazi prison warden too! With a deep scary voice, and a burly physique. Well, today I was 10 minutes late. Sat with Anjelica at the latecomers parade, human zoo, museum, whatever you want to call it. It's a free exhibit where people can go tsktsktsk, make dumb comments, or laugh and wave HI! to the exhibits and hope they respond. HI SHAWN! YOU SAW US TODAY! *waves*

Anyway, saw Huiyi, Syafiqah, Ann Perng etc. too... haha not me alone. Ah well, at least i didn't waste 55cents more than those people who chose to switch to 154 thought they would most likely be late. Well, let's put things into context.

We were living in fear and boredom, just chatting, thinking of the optimisms and downs in life... then the warden came. Silence. Then an order to have a small space, with a specific distance from the other souls. Some barking, discussing with a higher-up, seperating the persistent cases ... and then the meting out of the physical labour.

I sigh and I would rather be let back into my ghetto. C'mon it's bad enough to be there, here too?! 1 round around the camp within a stipulated time. Making the best out of it, Anj and I took our time and laughed our asses off. She was to lose an important personal possesion because of the sweat from her forehead wasn't very friendly.

Yippee, sentenced to another round. (damn, haven't done running in sucha long time)

Oh come on, it's so... freaking alike, except that the context is different. We get cleaned up and I went for English class 40 minutes late. So tempted to tell Mdm Priya that I went for a trip to the Nazi camp, then decided to tell her I was late. Ruined the fun.

Wow, I realised that I'm becoming a lot more harsh and critical about things, rather than choosing to sit on the fence... Guess I just can't shut up anymore. LOL, my mouth isn't likely to take a holiday anytime soon.

Like what Mark Lee said:

Actually I was very quiet in primary school, but when I went to secondary school, i discovered the joy of talking. And I haven't stopped since.

OH MY!

the more footsteps she left behind, the less of her soles remained

2008-07-20T21:11:00.004+08:00

Africa's women last and least in food crisis
Cultural expectations ensure women are hardest hit amid growing scarcity:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25757291/

I get a lot of news from setting msn.com as homepage. This is gonna be a short one. Kays so this is how I spent my day:

1. Had a cramp in my left leg at around nine plus. Screamed, because it hurt so much and I couldn't move it. My mum fixed it for me, then I drifted back to sleep cos of the pain.

2. Woke up and walked with a limp.

3. Studied Acids Bases and Salts.

4. Had breakfast.

5. Studied 3/4 of Acids Bases and Salts.

6. Slacked, lying on my bed.

7. Turned on the lappy for a few hours, with chocolate and biscuits in between.

8. Had something to eat. Soup that's made from onion, celery (still think it's nicer than bell peppers!), tomato, carrot. With a mashed hard boiled egg.

9. More soup with rice!

10. Feeling the effects of gastric, but not grinding pain in my tummy. More of nausea and giddiness.

11. Writhed under my blanket for one hour trying to rest.

12. Dinner part 2. More rice, with the last egg and the little bit of soup left. (grr they ate everything! ah well, doubt I could stomach anyway)

13. Blogging, feeling the after effects of gastric.

So there, an ordinary day, with studying, slacking (mostly slacking) and a mild hit of gastric.

Read the news article :) Don't be lazy now. I can't spread awareness like this. (Damn I make myself sound so... saintly. HAHA DON'T CARE!)

My take: Just so happened that all my actions, my living environment and all conflicted so much with hers that I felt like we were living in a paradox. To think somewhere else in the world, oceans away on another continent is a woman experiencing this everyday and biting her upper lip cos she doesn't have much of a choice to start with. All while I'm staring at my lappy, having chocolate to eat, and dinner has nutritious soup with lots of veggies, and studying about acids, bases and salts.

Yet, she is a person, a female just like me. Fundamentally and anatomically, there isn't much of a difference.

Yup I do take things for granted. Life is just so unfair, ain't it? Fine fine, I'll start by having my meals on time.

que nadie más te amará así como lo hago yo. - No Creo, Shakira

2008-07-18T18:56:00.004+08:00

'Mocha Chocolatta ya ya, Creole Lady Marmalade"

Gotta love the food references. A lady called Marmalade. She goes well with your toast. And look, she comes with a mocha chocolatta latte.

Haha, like how Scarlett is a name asking to be raped.

It's gonna have a terse tone.

Darn, I let many days pass me by without blogging, and it just so happened that so many things ... well happened. Will be catching up on those though. So here's the latest thing that came into the mind, along with swimming in a chocolate pool. I'm so fidgety these days. Yeah must have something to do with Shawn being vice-Pres. I'm so restless and I can't read an essay properly without getting distracted. (ya maybe ms phua can have something to say about this) Been like this the whole morning and now I'm still twitching in my seat when I couldn't stand still just now. - eats more chocolate - - drinks more coffee - - caffeine overload - - sugar rush-

Well let's explore the cause of my abnormality, despite my usual .. abNORMAL SELF. Have this strange itch to disturb everyone I see.
I want a Macadamia Muffin. (okay random)

Let's see. 745-845 English lesson with Miss Phua and the all the English pros in JSS. The best of the best, the cream of the crop, erm erm the nut in the chocolate. For nuts-with-chocolate lovers, this bunch of people make the school academia look good. Adds extra taste and finer quality, plus something new. For people allergic to nuts in chocolate, or have a distaste for ruining the original taste, this bunch of people try to hog all the attention? Ruin everything? Such that good, solid chocolate doesn't have so much space cos all the bits and pieces, or huge bits and pieces of nuts are overcrowding the area in the entire chocolate bar.

Just put that into perspective ... think somehow any situation fits whatever people are experiencing now. Okay wonder how I managed to link academics to chocolate, from an original topic of hyperactivity.

Anyway, understandably people are pissed about the English banding. Then again, who wouldn't feel pissed. Like classing students out. WOW i can't imagine if the classed us for Math. The humiliation (don't get me started on the damned INTERGRATION test. WHO GIVES A (censored) ABOUT INTEGRATION?). Was so pissed off during the Math study camp anyways.

Digression: Why is it that I can study my arse off and I just don't get it! LIFE SUCKS. It's like, I'm always asking Sharon how to do this, how to do that. So annoying (prob to her. Sharon im so sorry) and so paiseh (me lah). Why is it that everyone gets things so much faster than me?! Feeling like I'm on one of my frustrated modes again. It just won't leave me alone, since kindergarten for God's sake.

Anyways, I know some things the teacher does is bound to piss some people off. Haiz, I don't know what to feel. First the favouritism and the stress of being in such a class with the elites, like I'm not willing to share all my ideas, thinking that they'd be disrespected anyway. (bad experiences. had lit with the elites before. hey it rhymes, but it sure doesn't take away the bad taste in my mouth). Then the stress from all the structure of "The Ultimate Essay". Why should we have all these imposed on us? If people really are this good, they should come up with their own ideas, not everyone jumping on the bandwagon. Like an abortion plotline for the compo "Loss".

Well of course, there's always the contradiction. Do I want to be on the favoured side? I can't answer that, but it sure is convenient. And yeah, since people have been saying this about me, well I can't control what other people's actions are, except my own. So don't you get all flustered at me and think that I did something when you weren't looking. (sad case, the people i trust the most in school before and now thought so)

Still remembered this point of time when i was yearning for a 4-3 English lesson with Mrs Aidil again. COME BACK TO ME! NOOOOO WHY DID YOU LEAVE US!

I do admire those that write for the sake of a good essay, rather than hankering after an A1, determined by what the marker wants to see. Why conform, when you can explore and discover so much more? This way, essays won't ever be a chore. Well at least a bore. Gotta love the originality too :) even if the idea of a love-based story in a tsunami setting seems laughable.

So there... now you know. Specifically, today we were told to write an essay within 45 minutes. So you gotta concentrate, right? Sweet irony, the teacher talks about techniques from one person's essay for 45 minutes, expects you to copy down, and somehow finish the essay she told you to write a few minutes ago. Then when you say you can't finish it, hand in on Monday, she says "Like this you will keep on stretching the date! Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday..."

You get the gist. Of course, there's always an element of maintaining individuality. I don't want to be like the rest. Surely there must be other ways of getting an A1! EMBRACE THE NON-CONFORMITY! Okay, too much sugar. Or frustration for that matter. It's fighting the pressure to be the same, and I'm losing my concentration on the process.

I pledge allegiance to the underworld
One nation under dog
There of which I stand alone
A face in the crowd
Unsung, against the mold
Without a doubt
Singled out
The only way I know

I'm getting into my Sec 1 stress again. Feeling the stress of being different, and first glimpse at how people turn up their noses. Who would've known that it would continue till now? Wait, I had known anyway.

Stepped out of the line
Like a sheep runs from the herd
Marching out of time
To my own beat now
The only way I know

Sometimes I feel like I'm the chocolate with nuts, sometimes I feel like the chocolate without nuts. (Anjelica don't think horny) Or I'm looking at the chocolate with nuts, or the chocolate without nuts.

Nah, I'll always be the macadamia muffin. :)

Ending Note: To all of the musical cast/chorus/everyone, thank you for the memories that we created from scratch. Yup we sure did watch our seed of a musical grow. Day by day, inch by inch, little by little, the magic shows~ Especially you muffins. Ya, so I won't miss the guys as much cos they're don't have a muffin name, because guys have no muffins.

There I've said it. It's just the caffeine talking.

Really!

ELDDS Camp Part 1

2008-07-06T19:35:00.003+08:00

Haven't blogged in forever, you should totally understand my schedule and lack of inspiration. Since now I'm darn sick from watching people sing and dance Indian twinkle twinkle little star in the rain, and being revenge-ed upon by my oh-so-wonderful juniors with a lot of water, I couldn't concentrate a lot of work ... just wanted to hibernate all day long. Doesn't anyone feel drowsy?

Lots of things happened, but those can wait. I shall blog about ELDDS camp 08' first.

Ahaha, just a few weeks before camp, I've been poring over that difficult-to-do activity. But everything paid off in the end. But cos of camp, I've been sleeping real late, like 1am-ish for a few days straight. Can't help it if it clashes with musical, SLC and 45th.

The theme of the camp: To Art and To Life. Plus the camp groups: Kameleon, Risata, Attitude, Fiesta, Paraiso. All decided by yours truly. The power rocks, yeah baby! Haha, it's such a pity that most people don't think too much about the theme and the group names, just throw in something crappy and go with the motions of a forced camp, both on campers and instructors.

It's retarded because it's a lot easier to stray from the objectives and directions of camp. Seriously, doesn't anyone feel it should be linked to the outcome of the camp that people want to see? Ya ... crappy names like Power Rangers, Hulk .. haha camp happens so often for councillors I find that they tend to take it for granted. Good thing I don't wear a tie and EL has me. MEMEMEME!

So anyways, shall only post the document done for the camp theme and groups in the next post. To me, it sure is a real honour to decide all this, haha must be cos the other seniors too washed out from other things. Good thing my creativity flow still up to standard.

This is a post from a first-time camp instructor's point of view. The courtroom drama took a lot of effort, and I'm kinda glad things turned out the way it did. It would've been pointless to write out the script for them. Ma'am Clar and I were in-charge of this activity, and it made up the chunk of the drama-debate training portion during camp. Mission Accomplished.

Staying up the late nights, and last-minute preps. So sad, couldn't see them report first thing in the morning. Ahh, remembering the panic mode I was in running around the house at 7am, printing and changing. Nearly late, and Joan gave me a call and she sounded like she was gonna yell at me. Can't help it though .. I was sick. Prob from lack of sleep and how 45th nearly killed me the day before.

Things still went smoothly after the bumps in the morning. Thanks to the prayers and best wishes of very good friends, Clarissa's resourcefulness and my sense of urgency. Instructors can't be late .. so it really wasn't my day when 154 sped past me and I had to wait for 240 before cheonging to school.

It was great to don the black shorts in camp for once in my whole life, okay pathetic but it means a lot to me. And by shorts, I mean ... real short shorts. So stupid ... I think I stood out the most. I must thank you too for the pouch. My pocketfull of sunshine and I loved it.

Pre-camp was horrible and nerve-wrecking though. Think for both instructors and campers, and it sucks to always adhere to the senior-junior relationships with you guys. Haha i know there's lots of questions involved.

OK, time for dinner. FINALLY! DECENT FOOD IN SO LONG!

they tried to make me go to rehab, i said 'no,no,no' - rehab, amy winehouse

2008-06-25T16:16:00.005+08:00

This shall be an intelligent post, as I promised on my reflection that Ms Ong makes us do against our lazy will ever since ... forever.

I've never been much of a gamer in my entire life, unlike some of you hardcores out there (don't deny it!). Though I enjoyed Armageddon (the one by Mel Gibson with lots of half-naked indigeneous people) and I had to admit that the explicit blood and gore were very effective images, I do still get shaken. It's a strange thing, if I'm feeling a bit of shock or fear, I just freeze up, stare, gasp and have problems breathing for the next few seconds. Unless it involves something like a roller coaster or a Shawn, a Mythili, or maybe a Mr Chen with a afro. And don't get me started on ... Mdm Rani miming the musical songs or in pink lingerie (darn you sickos put that image in my head)

Maybe until I chanced upon this article on controversial online/video games. So, my itchy fingers followed my curiosity and the web links. A few clicks of the mouse and ta-da! "Torture Game 2"

The start of my unforgettable experience: (won't post the actual game link, just in case some of us can't resist clicking either)
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25337373/wid/11915829?GT1=40006

Yep, so ... I went through some paint jobs across the ragdoll, impaled the poor dude's heart (UNINTENTIONALLY I SWEAR I WAS NERVOUS!), shot him the right knee (of course...this has nothing to do with Shawn's right knee being the exact centre of the musical final shot picture heh heh)

I must say, when i impaled it's chest (oh my I sound like a ... sick psychopath telling you my glory tales), the ragdoll made a somewhat emotionless, yet agonised groaning sound. Oh course this isn't as graphic as some games can go, but I was sick all the same.

Well, Torture Game 2 goes like, you do whatever you like to the ragdoll, just physically torture it in any way you want to, until you've done enough to kill it, it makes the groaning sound. Guess I shouldn't have pierced the left side of the chest.

Other than that, it remains practically emotionless. I won't go into what you can do to the ragdoll, just read the article. I felt my tummy do flips and exhibited the symptoms of when I'm disturbed. Which was why I ditched the game after 3 takes. This just goes to show I can never make Jack the Ripper and Wednesday Addams proud, ain't bloodthirsty, enjoy the macabre or the like.

Guess some playing the game would think it's really lame to get scared, I'm not! I'm just disturbed. The webbie says 'campy gore' and some find it a good stress reliever. Yeah, I wouldn't like to take my stress out in such a gory methods, even if it's just computer graphics.

Don't think there would be any psychopaths with a taste for humans not making a sound when being tortured running around after this game. Ah well, people get sucidal after listening to My Chemical Romance. So ... what does that prove? As much as some things are unintentional, like me stabbing the ragdoll in the chest, some things can't fall into the wrong hands? Okay I'm crapping. The likelihood is .. nil?

Should we take Torture Game 2 seriously? LOL if it's a stress reliever, wonder if those people picture their boss from hell as the ragdoll and go on a torture spree. :p Well, guilt was mentioned in the article too. Yes I feel bad >.<>